Writing Heaven: Peep Show Returns.

YAAASSS! Peep Show is back! Rarely is there an episode that is a miss so my expectations are always high. The series opener, the birth of Mark and Sophie's son, does not disappoint. The hospital provides a fantastically inappropriate setting for Jez to once again meet the girl of his dreams. This one's boyfriend is in a coma but obviously that doesn't stop Jez, it's just an obstacle to be overcome; 'terribrill'. Meanwhile, the boiler's exploded and Sophie's in labour. Mark is not coping so he pops out for a bucket of chicken and a shot on the arcades; 'Is this the worst thing I've ever done?'

The shows format is a big reason it's so good. Getting inside the characters' heads and following their trains of thought affords a knowledge of Mark and Jez that the other characters seemingly don't get i.e. that they're quite selfish people when it comes down to it. They're strangely likable characters though and David Mitchell and Robert Webb are consistently brilliant in their roles. The thing that drives the show is of course the writing. The writing is so so brilliant that I'm struggling to express how fantastic this episode is without just retyping the script. Peep Show writers Jesse Armstrong and Sam Bain have tackled the amazing feat of keeping the show fresh after 6 series. Here are a few of my favourite lines in this episode:

Mark: 'The cervical sweep.' Jez: 'Chim-chim-cheree.'
Jez: 'I adore to read.'
Mark: 'OK, a birthing pool,don't believe in it but I have to sell it. I'm Claire Short backing Iraq; Trinny and Susannah endorsing Nescafe.'
Mark to a snippy nurse: 'You might be ripe for a trim in the cuts.'
Jez: 'I've kind of always wanted to see a birth; it'd be kind of like Alien but sexy. Sexy Alien.'
Mark about Jez: 'Of course, brings the insufferable music then goes. He's like the 1980s.'
Super Hans: 'Plumbing's just fucking Lego innit. Water Lego.'
Mark when asked if he'd like to cut the cord: 'No. Do you want to do some credit rating or work in a Mexican restaurant? Let's stick to our jobs.'
Mark on the two fantastic things that have happened to him that day: 'My son! Minimal water damage!'

Mark's right, the birth of his son is a 'biggie' so where will he go from here? What kind of dad will he be? What about Uncle Jez? I can't wait to see where the writers will take the characters this series.

If you haven't seen it yet just WATCH IT because my writing about it, no matter how embarrassingly gushing it is, will not do it justice. Go. NOW!

Das ist SHIIIT!!!

So Baggsy lives to fight and irritate another week but he doesn't do much of either this week. What's happening here? Is he charming in Germany? Weird.

Yes, the candidates are told to pack their bags for a foreign business trip. Baggsy reckons it'll be somewhere tough like a war-zone or somewhere hot. Christopher hopes it's not Germany, he hates the Germans, so Germany it is then. They're off to flog some crisps to the Germans. PMs Stella and Chris stay behind with Laura and Liz to sort out the flavours while Baggsy and sleepy-eyed Jo and Jamie and Christopher fly away to Hamburg to sort out some meetings with potential clients. Of course they have to do some market research first, you know, ask a man what crisps he likes and eat some sausages. Job done. So what flavours are concluded from this thorugh research? Yup, you guessed it, curry-pie. Mmmmm, I loves me a curry-pie and to have it in a handy crisp snack? My mind is blown. However the rest of the team aren't so keen. Morons.

Baggs is turning it around this week, shmoozing the German clients by attempting to speak to them in German, das IST wunderbar, Herr Baggs! Jo, on the other hand gets no such snaps for not trying in any way. Instead she goes for the patronising tone and charades miming. They are German, Jo, not retarded.

Christopher and Jamie meanwhile, secure an appointment with a big hotel chain for 9 the next morning- no wait, can they make it 1 instead? Must be the jetlag. Herr Baggs isn't feeling the jetlag however so he takes the 9 o'clock appointment. Did Christopher and Jim-Jam-Jamie make a mistake there? We'll see...

The worst candidate and the worst person generally EVER has to be Laura. She gets worse every week. My blood has gone from simmering to full on boiling to exploding out of my head. There's blood everywhere Laura! You did this! Oh! It's all on my sofa, pass me the Germinator. Sorry about that, anyway so yeah, not fond of her. Herr Baggs reminds her to speak slower and clearly to the potential clients; of course she knows, Herr Baggs, she's not an idiot. Turns out she is an idiot and she talks at the poor guy so fast even I'm having trouble understanding her. Other things happen on the other team but Laura is so awful I can't even remember what they are. And there she goes again with another hissy fit. She's annoyed that Stella and Jo have nicked her meeting and they're just shitty pieces of shit, it's just SHIIIIT! Excuse me, just throwing my shoes at the telly.

That earlier meeting re-arrangement was indeed a mistake as it turns out. Stella and Jo took an order at 9 so obviously the man don't want your order Chris and Liz. No they don't want to trial the product along side the other teams product. Yes that is a shame. The man said no. Bye then.

Poor old Chris. He's lost. Again. He's going back to the Boardroom. Again. Once again awful Laura is on the winning team and they get to go shopping or something. Whatever. It's BULLSHIT!

Meanwhile, down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak cafe Chris is devestated over some sad piano music. My heart is actually breaking for him. Surely he's for the off, after all, this is his fourth time in front of Shoogs. Of course he brings back happless duo Jamie and Christopher. So Jamie what have you got to say? 'Well, you know, the early worm catches the bird.' Right. Christopher? 'I'm a nice guy.' Chris. *Sighs and shakes head.* Shoogs leads us a merry dance, who's going? Christopher, you're fired. Wow, massively surprised that Chris has survived, again. My theory is he's hypnotising Shoogs with his beautiful eyes....

Next week, buying crap for the least amount of money. Fantastic.

PerpleX Factor

Since EVERYONE is talking about it, I thought might as well talk about it too: the X Factor. Steeped in controversy, this year has been a doozy, without actually having any one person or group that are that interesting. They try to be, but they're not. Rebbecca, for instance, has unique voice, a 'recording' voice, but she's got a touch of the Leona-Lewises about her. She's timid and quiet and, like we are reminded every week, she's just a normal young girl from Liverpool. Well so is everyone. We're all normal young girls or boys from somewhere before some of us go on to do great things. 'Can you believe Mary used to work in a supermarket?' Yeah, I can. Everyone needs to earn money to eat and heat their houses and clothe themselves and they're children. 'Isn't it sweet she's doing this for her children?' Most parents are doing what they're doing for their children, whether they're on X Factor or working in a bank or a circus performer. 'But it's so we can relate to them.' I see. But couldn't we relate to them anyway because, you know, they're people? Basically, I'm not bothered what you used to do or where you come from or if you're doing this for your kids - just be charming and bloody SING!

Of course there have been two big upsets this year, creepy Wagner and Cat Weasel's inexplicable staying power. Maybe Wagner's can be explained, people think it's funny. I am no one of these people. He gives me the heebie-jeebies, really he does; that fixed ventriloquist dummy smile, that hair,eugh that hair! I can't watch him any more, he literally makes my skin crawl and also he is just awful. Ah, and Cat Weasel. She was irritating on her first audition and she is irritating now and the way it all happened, fishy no? Has anyone seen 'Green Eyed World' on You Tube? Funny they've never mentioned it on the show. No wonder people don't know who the 'real' Katie Waissel/Vogel is. Is she acting? Just because you keep changing your hair doesn't mean we won't recognise you, Katie! It's all a bit of a conundrum but the fact that she's still in means that people are talking about her. I don't normally side with conspiracy theorists but in this case I am making an exception. The whole thing stinks. It's a jip I tells ya! A jip!

The thing I love about X Factor this year (yes, I know I've been having a good moan but I do love it) is Twitter. Watching it while tweeting makes for a totally different viewing experience. It's like a massive forum and you know, people are funny. Best X Factor tweeters include @gracedent, @CherylKerl, @sueperkins and @NicolaRobertsUK. If you can't watch with your real-life pals, watch with these guys, or both, it's worth it if just for the nick names, One Erection is my favourite so far.

The judges this year are hugely embarrassing, from Louis' toe-curlingly awful 'You remind me of a little Lenny Henry' comment to Paige; to Danni constantly perving on Matt, like an embarrassing Auntie hollering and whooping after one too many G&Ts; to Cheryl and her death stare (don't argue with it Dermot!); to Simon and, well, his hair, I just can't stop looking at it... Anyway, they've been having slanging matches all over the shop this year and it's getting a bit ridiculous.

But who will win? Do you care? Nah. Let's enjoy the journey.

Q. 'Are you interested in being in our movie?' A. 'No.'

Ah Stuart Baggs. Baggs the Brand. 'Baggsy' Baggs. What a ridiculous person. Who is Stuart Baggs? What is Stuart Baggs? And most importantly why is Stuart Baggs? Every week he attempts to answer these questions but I've yet to understand his answers: his apples are orange and he is sales villain, 'Soldfinger'??? I thought I'd have a look at his audition tape to see if I could get any sense from him. And this is what he said motivates him to do what he does, you know, selling yoyos at school:

'Why not? I'm alive. There's so many people that aren't alive, or have died unfortunately, now I'm alive and that's a gift frankly.'

Hmmm. So what does Baggsy plan to do with this gift of life?

'succeed to the maximum and use some of that success to help others - where appropriate.'

It's a declaration of philanthropy with a get-out clause, only where appropriate. I don't know what that means either. He is perplexing and, as we discover through the course of this weeks task, colossally more arrogant than I ever thought possible.

The Shoogs summons them to Pinewood Studios, you know, that famous furniture store? Anyway for some reason there's a massive blue screen at this furniture store (???) and Shoogs sets them the task of selling the movie experience to the public. This involves setting up a small blue screen in a shopping centre, getting people to fanny around in front of it, water skiing or something, and then selling them the resulting 5 minute DVD to treasure forever- STOP THE BUS SHOOGS! That is the single worst idea I have ever heard. Why, oh why, oh why would anyone pay money for that? A treasured memory? 'Remember that Saturday we went to the Traford centre and I bought them boots and you flirted with the guy in Costa? Remember that? Well now you don't need to cos I've got this DVD of us skiing in the Traford Centre and you can see my boots and our Costa coffee cups in the background.' Completely pointless. Right away I fear this task is doomed for all concerned.

Baggsy and Sandeesh are team leaders and it's clear from the off that it'll either be one or the other who gets fired. Liz and Chris take over Sandeesh's team, while Sandeesh sits looking on with her big eyes and agreeing in all the appropriate places. Nick sums up Baggsy as a project manager very eloquently:

'Stuart's leadership style leaves me trembling with irritation.'

Yeah, you and everyone on the team it seems. And me. He crashes his way through the meeting like an over-wrought business-bull and then he buggers off to Brands Hatch to drive some fast cars. Whoa there Baggsy! Someone needs to reign in your 'extreme masculinity' before you forget what your here for! After his shot in the racing car he decides to do a 180 and market the DVDs to kids instead of adult cos it's just a better idea, yeah? Yeah it is. An idea that sleepy-eyed Jo had in the meeting that you ignored. Eugh!

At the shopping centre Baggsy's team are first out the gate, selling their movie experience to the public and they're actually buying it? People are weird. But Jo's doing well, talking to the kids and giving them medal's and sweets. Meanwhile, Sandeesh's team are still trying to teach Christopher how to work the computer. Finally though, they get started and soon Sandeesh's team drop their prices and Baggsy ups his. Let's see which has made the better move...

So, after Liz does a bit of last-minute cheating, stealing the other team's car idea, the task is over. It's too close to call.

In the boardroom the results are revealed and it's in the Baggs. Sorry. Stuart wins by 40 quid and pulls the smuggest, most vile face I have ever seen. HUGELY punchable. The winning team get a champagne tasting 'laid on' by the Shoogs. Baggsy doesn't like the champagne and rudely says it tastes like paint stripper in front of the host. Then Stella asks if he's ever had champagne to which he replies something along the lines of 'yeah, it's that stuff that you get free when you go into a club.' Gross.

Down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak cafe, well, they're gutted and they all say so over some sad piano music. In the firing line with Sandeesh are Liz and Chris. And blah, blah, blah, you know how it goes, 'Sandeesh, your fired.' It's been a long time coming, she is just a bit nothing. Mesmerising eyes though. Mesmerising....

So Baggsy lives to fight another week. And although he makes my blood boil, trying to be flash, crudely talking about making loadsa money and 'sitting nowhere but the top', he is stellar telly. Baggsy to win! I don't expect whatever he'll be doing for the Shoogs will affect my life very much so let him go all the way to the top, take a seat up there and then take away his ladders.

'I am with much news, which I shall now birth.'

Miranda stumbled clumsily back onto our tellies this week. I looked at it last series and thought, this looks a bit daft for me but I caught the final few episodes and just fell in love with Miranda. I don't normally like clowning, I find it too awkward to watch but she does it so well and she is so endearing; mounting the conveyerbelt of a sushi restaurant when her 'trinkity' necklace gets stuck in it was definitely the highlight of the episode for me.

'The New Me', sees Miranda attempting to reinvent herself and move on from dreamy (oh my goodness, he is so dreamy) Gary, who's gone off to Hong Kong. Unfortunately, as she tells Stevie, 'The new me is currently worse than the old me'. Having against all odds ('I farted in front of him, blamed it on an imaginary dog and sung in his face') hooked-up with the chef who has replaced Gary, hunky American Danny (you know, Jimmy out of the New Adventures of Superman, took me ages to figure that out, you're welcome), things seem to be improving for Miranda: power walking, trainers with skirts, home-made muffins, crossword savy etc. but then- DUN! DUN! DUN! Gary's back (yas!) and she ends up on the floor with a table full of food on top of her. The old Miranda's back.

It's nice to have some old fashioned silliness back on the telly, driven by Miranda Hart's warm and lovable lead. I normally say this sarcastically but in this case I am serious - oh my sides!

The Odd Couple do the North

When I heard Rob Brydon and Steve Coogan would be acting opposite in a new BBC comedy, I wasn't sure what to make of it at first. I like Rob Brydon, I like Steve Coogan, but the two together? Hmmm...

The Trip sees the pair playing versions of themselves on a culinary road-trip for the Observer magazine. Originally intended as a trip for Coogan and his girlfriend, he is forced to settle for Brydon as his girlfriend heads off to America instead.

The six episodes are split over the six inns with each following a formulaic pattern: they drive to the inn, they check into their rooms, they have their tea (or dinner), they phone they’re wife/ex/agent/PA, the end. The improvised banter between the two along the way is testament to their comic prowess. They bicker, have impression wars, which Brydon usually wins (did you see his Al Pacino? Brilliant!), they compare careers, competing to see who's the most successful but at the same time they make each other laugh and you can even see a hint of admiration in these moments.

Of course there are the odd scenes built in to reveal more about their characters, like the scene at Dove Cottage in this weeks episode. Coogan's utterly charmless attempt to cajole the woman at the counter to let them visit the cottage even though admittance stopped 5 minutes ago, is contrasted by Brydon's pleasant and good humoured attempt, which, of course, pays off. It's also helped by the fact that the lady recognises Rob Brydon and she even gets his man-in-box voice thrown in, lucky thing! It highlights what we already knew; Brydon appears more warm and likable than Coogan. Their awareness of their public personas is clear and they play up to it fantastically.

Their restaurant conversations have delivered the most enjoyable slices of chat for me. The fact that it's all improvised is cleverly played upon in this weeks episode when Brydon asks Coogan, 'Do you think we just have the same conversation in every restaurant?' Coogan's reply reveals the structure of their conversations, 'We start out being a bit awkward with each other, have a little bit of wine and exchange a few frivolities...have a bit more wine, get cantankerous and pick faults with each other and it descends into a kind of bitter, unhappy end to the meal.' And that is basically it but it's well worth seeing how they get there.

It's squirm-some viewing watching Coogan's character slowly unravelling, his relationship is on the rocks, his plans to 'do films' and break America are falling through and we see him crack-up a tiny bit this week as he shouts Partridge's catchphrase, 'AHA!' across the hills. Maybe this Coogan feels his life is going the way of Partridge. Meanwhile Brydon flirts and jokes with his lovely wife over the phone. Is Coogan's character going to lose it at some point? I hope so.

A thing like that.

As Mad Men enters the final episodes of season 4 I can't help but be a little relieved. Not that it hasn't been a brilliant season, because it has and then some, but my nerves are shredded and I am exhausted. The difference with this season has been that things have been happening, a lot of things.

Series one, two and three seemed to be carried along on metaphorical imagery, dialogue that is left unsaid and sumptuous aesthetics, with a spartan but intriguing plot. Series four has made great use of all these elements but the world of Stirling/Cooper/Draper/Pryce is dingier and more claustrophobic; the office walls are closer together with walls flimsy enough that you imagine straining to hear slightly raised conversations; Don's apartment is not the hip bachelor pad it could easily have been, it's dark and poky and is only occasionally frequented by his children or the odd conquest.

The characters are all in turmoil and overtly so this time around. I've been personally gripped by the two opposing female characters, Peggy and Joan. Joan's husband Greg has joined the army and her anxiety spills over in a sharp tongued attack on creative's Joey who has done everything to undermine and insult her. She tells Joey and Stan that when they are inevitably deployed to Vietnam to remember that they won't be dying for her as she never liked them anyway. Roger and Joan's relationship is reignited for one night which is all it takes for Joan to become pregnant resulting in a heartbreaking termination she has to go through all alone. Having been through two terminations before, she treats the situation with the same stoic, keep-calm-and-carry-on attitude.

Conversely, Peggy's character is growing and changing, beginning to explore ideas of feminism through her new friend Joyce and a frustration with the limitations her sex puts on her job. Memories of the baby she had with Peter come to the fore again with the news that Peter's wife Trudy is pregnant. While she keeps this very personal hurt to herself her professional frustrations rise to the surface in the season's most talked about episode that sees Peggy and Don finally have it out and unravel in front of each other.

We also discover Lane's father is a violent, manipulative man who still has a hold over his well grown-up son; Roger loses his baby with Joan and the Lucky Strike account all in one week; Sally Draper isn't coping with her parents divorce and arrives at her father's office after travelling across New York from her therapist to be told she has to go back to the 'Francis Residence' she hates so much; even Bert shows his emotions this season when Ida Blankenship (the Joan to his Roger) dies in the office.

Don of course has the most spectacular season yet. Divorced, estranged from his children and most heartbreaking of all losing his best friend, the wife of his name-sake, Anna. He's been so drunk that he's lost days, vomited a lot and generally been a mess physically. The first episode gave an indication of things to come, calling into question his identity, 'Who is Don Draper?' His lies have been slowly unravelling, coming to a head in this weeks episode which showed Don under investigation by the government in order to secure the American Aviation account. In his panic he tells Faye everything about his past, who he seems to be carving out an honest and genuine relationship with. Pete, also privy to Don's big secret, grudgingly saves the day, losing the account and almost losing his job in the process. So Don's secret is safe. For now.

Will SCDP bounce back from the losses and heartaches or is it the beginning of a downward spiral? I hope in the closing episodes we'll see more of Pete Campbell, odious and lovable at the same time, who's been in the background for much of the series. Now I'm off to lie down in a darkened room until the next episode.

If only I were an octopus....

I know I said I'd have my Apprentice posts up to date by now but as you can see that has not happened so I will say this briefly about week 4 - jeez Mel, talk about bowing-out graciously; and week 5 - a bit sad that Paloma, aka Grace Jones, was fired (mainly because I won't be able to use that nick-name any more). Anyway I feel I should move on and bring this blog bang up to date and also I have a lot to say about this week because it was bloody brilliant.

The episode begins with Shoogs paying the candidates a visit(I needed a new nickname to replace Grace Jones so I'm going with this one, alright? Yeah). So Shoogs is in the house (see? I think it's working well). With the candidates lined up in various states of dress, groggy and sleepy-eyed, oh wait, that's just Joanna, anyway Shoogs tells them they'll be designing a new brand of household cleaner. This includes the branding, packaging, radio ad. and TV ad. I am beside myself with excitement, please let someone rap!

The teams split off into their generic brainstorming boardrooms in the top ad agency that Shoogs has 'laid on' and choose their leaders. Apollo go with Alex; he'd be perfect for this task because of course if he were and apple pie, 'the apples inside would be orange'.....*tumbleweed*....yeah...

So anyway, Synergy go for ex-military Christopher as their leader and right away the team hash out a killer campaign model for their product: it's all black and white and you're all single and then you get this magic cleaning spray and you're not single and you have parties and passion, yeah! But at their focus group with some mums and toddlers one of the mums briefly mentions something about an octopus and 'Octo-Kleen' is born. Why do these products always have weird spelling? The Cuulliiii, or whatever it was, and now this? Their customers would be able to understand standard spelling, I'm sure.

Meanwhile Laura and Alex are doing some product research in the supermarket when Laura suggests the name 'Blitz', not bad you think but as Alex points out, the Blitz was some big bombing thing years ago in London or some shit like that and anyway the people that were in it are probably all dead. Oh Lord. When the team reconvene, armed with the product research and the info they gleaned from their focus group, they throw it all out the window and go for Chris' 'Germinator' idea. They then get some free time and decide to design a poster for a German indie film- hang on, sorry, it's their product label, a child (apparently) in sunglasses against a red background. And the bottle will be black? 'The Germinator: when an ordinary cleaner just won't shift that bloodstain.' That's one of mine, appealing mainly to the serial killer market.

Back on Synergy and running full pelt with the octopus idea, Christopher begins auditioning for a wife. For the advert I mean, not in real life and he doesn't want his pretend wife to be a minger, but she can be a rubbish actress though. And she is. Awful. Filming begins and I think Nick sums up Christopher's advert up quite well 'sending the daughter off to bed so she can, as an octopus, grope her husband.' Well eight hands are better than two - sorry, I just threw up all over my keyboard. The finished advert is shown to the advertising big-wigs. Horrific, tasteless, sexist, outdated, creepy and crap are just some of the words I jotted down while watching the 'Octo-Kleen' advert. You get the gist.

At least Synergy's effort is kinda, sorta funny-ish, 'Hasta la vista, Gravy', hehehe... Laura wants to pitch it but Alex gives Sandeesh the task and Laura sulks and huffs, it's just BOLLOCKS! Hmph! But regardless of the pitcher, the big-wigs think they've missed their market totally so really both teams make a right pig's ear of this weeks task.

In the boardroom Shoogs isn't happy and although neither team is the winner this week, Apollo win (but not really) and are sent off to claim their 'prize' of a night of Karaoke. Rubbish. Can't believe sleazy Christopher got out of this one.

Down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak Cafe, Alex is being lampooned by torpedoes of silence from his team. Awkward. Back in front of Shoogs Alex praises Sandeesh for her pitching efforts and chastises Laura for her adolescent mood swings. So naturally he brings back Sandeesh(?!) and Chris to the firing squad. Shoogs thinks Laura's getting away scott-free and he's sick of her whining so he sends her to her room along with the rest of the team. The final showdown sees Alex flare up a bit and shout, or whine loudly, that he did everything right but got some stuff a bit wrong and the others should be fired before him and blah blah blah. He comes across like a right plonker and is consequently fired, with regret though, by the Shoogs who comments that 'E's a nice enuff fella.' But Alex doesn't need you Shoogs! He's going to do it on his own! Oh jings.

oh yeah and Laura's still in a mood at the house, 'I can tell none of you wanted me to come back, Wha! Wha! Wha!' Yawn. Still, brilliant week though. Next week 'selling the big screen experience to the general public', not sure what this means but I look forward to finding out. Maybe someone will do a rap.

It's a Mind-Melter.

It's week 3 (well it was few weeks ago, I'm catching up). This week's task was, as Lord Sugar put it, 'turning flour into serious dough.' Oh my sides.

After last weeks ridiculous boardroom rammie the teams were diluted further with peroxide Mel being one of the girls sent over to the boys' team. Of course because Mel has her own food distribution company she would be the perfect leader of her new team. Yeah, you'd think but then there she goes again, using her special made-up business speak; the team should think about 'best sellery things'???? Yes, definitely tastilicious cakey-cakes.

Meanwhile back on Apollo Shibby and Jamie fight it out for the role of project manager. Outvoted, Jamie takes his defeat in the manner of Kevin the teenager, tutting and sighing and rolling his eyes. Ah, life's not fair, is it Jamie?

And so the task begins. Mel and Synergy name their ephemeral bakery 'Le Pain Artisan.' Ooh la la? They head off to secure an order from the hotel chain and I am rolling around my floor in pain. How much is it for one roll, Mel? One Roll?! 60p? Is it? What? So off they go to figure it out on their calculator. they'll only be 5 minutes... 15 minutes later she's finally figured it out. The hotel chap does not look impressed.

Now it's Shibby and Apollo's turn. How much for one roll? 6p. Done. Shibby is chuffed. Well done Shibby's Angels. And they got an order for some croissants, good job! But oh dear, we're not making croissants. SIGH.

Next stop for Synergy and their calculator is a restaurant chain - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! But it's OK, Alex saves the day; he's got an inbuilt calculator.

Paloma bowls into Apollo's meeting with big big numbers. We're making 50,000 muffins and 28 million rolls, well not really, but you get the idea. Shibby at this point manages to stop the Paloma express in her path, unfortunately it was in the middle of a meeting in front of clients. He does make a good point though, 'we're not Supermen.'

By the way, sleepy-eyed Joanna's a bit quiet this week, eh?

Anyway, in Synergy's kitchen, ex-marine Chris runs a tight ship and the well oiled production line churns out Mel's 'best sellery things.' But poor Apollo's kitchen has fallen apart and now at 4 in the morning they're apparently off to get battered, delivering18 bread rolls to the hotel who ordered a thousand. Shibby's advice to the owner? Suggest the guests go on the Atkin's diet. He's not impressed. Shibby bungs him 130 quid.

Meanwhile, Alex got an A* in his GCSE maths, you know. INBUILT CALCULATOR, MELISSA.

Both teams hit the streets and sell and argue about selling and sell some more and then it's over. Thank Christ.

In the boardroom Mel's team take the win in spite of their cringe-tastic leader. Lucky escape I think, she'll not last long [I wrote this right after this episode was first shown. I know, I'm psychic]. So off the winners and Mel pop to an eastern restaurant to be entertained by Arabian dancers. YAWN.

Down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak Cafe Shibby's team hang their heads going over their defence. What's Shibby's defence in front of Lord Sugar? 'My bad! I haven't done this before! I promise I'll learn from it!' CRINGE.

If Shibby's going down, he's taking Paloma and Sandeesh into the boardroom with him. Sandeesh's defence is that she will propel Lord sugar into world domination. Or something. Sugar points out that Hitler had a problem with that. good point. It's practically the same thing. Paloma is safe I think mainly because she's beautiful and terrifying, double intimidation. The Grace Jones of the business world. Poor Shibby's fired but it's okay, he's going to learn from it.

My brain is dribbling out of my ears.

A History of Horror with Mark Gatiss

I had this boyfriend a few years back who used to collect beermats and other beer related memorabilia. I remember he offered to show me some of his collection and I expected a muddled box full of bottle tops, beer mats and labels but to my surprise he took out a sleek black folder neatly displaying his collection and I thought this was fantastic. While I didn’t share his enthusiasm for all things beery, I shared his general enthusiasm; it’s always been something I’ve been drawn to. I suppose basically what I’m saying is that I love nerds and I use the word nerd in the most affectionate way, which brings me neatly to my bit of telly blogging for today…sort of….

I’ve always quite liked Mark Gatiss. When I was young my brother and I were morbidly fascinated by the League of Gentlemen, he’s written some great TV, Sherlock and the brilliant Doctor Who, and he’s always seemed like an amiable chap so when I saw that he had a program coming on BBC4, A History of Horror with Mark Gatiss, I thought I’d give it a go.

I’ve never really been a horror fan as I’m a bit of a scaredy-cat. I tend to avoid the heebie-jeebies if I can but I found this series so engaging, even more so because, as stated from the outset, it’s such a personal journey for Mark Gatiss. The connections with his childhood fascinations and his fervour for the horror genre growing up swept me along.

His journey begins in the very early era of horror cinema, from Lon Chaney in the silent Phantom of the Opera, and throughout he picks out his favourite horror moments and actors. Spattered through the series are interviews with actors and directors who he clearly has great affection for and they in turn seem to warm to him and his intelligent observations of the films he has loved and studied so much. In these interviews he makes great little observations like how much more gruesome Lon Chaney’s glass eye looked in its own little box.

My favourite tribute of them all has to be to Peter Cushing in the second episode. One of the most iconic faces of Hammer Horror, Cushing starred in numerous horror films before his death in 1994. Gatiss bases his tribute in Whitstable where Cushing lived for many years, up until he died. We’re shown his house complete with blue plaque, ‘Cushing’s View’ on the seafront and the museum display dedicated to him. Gatiss describes how Cushing always brought a sense of commitment and authenticity to the roles he played, carrying around the trappings of his characters in his pockets. It’s these little nuggets of detail that really convey his genuine love for Cushing and other big names in horror such as Boris Karloff, George Romero and John Carpenter.

I think I could directly relate to the third program most of all as it looked at films I’ve seen and know very well like Psycho, Hallowe’en or The Exorcist. It’s also a canon of films that are widely revered in mainstream horror but I was intrigued by the films Gatiss offers up as personal favourites that wouldn’t necessarily make that list such as George Romero’s Martin, about a lonely teenage boy who thinks he’s a vampire. Thanks to Mark Gatiss I now feel like I need to watch all of these films and have in fact made a list for me to check off as I go, with Martin at the top. After all, I’m just a big nerd too.

A History of Horror with Mark Gatiss is only on the iplayer for a few more days so watch it while you can. Seriously, do it. You will thank me. Don’t have nightmares.