Doctor Who: NO SPOILERS! Just my Humble Predictions.

Did anyone see that teaser they showed for Doctor Who last night? What the fuck was that behind the President??!! I am right royally freaked out before the new series has even begun. All the Twitter hype from those lucky smugos who got to see the screening a couple of weeks ago suggest this is Doctor Who's darkest and scariest opener yet. I am so excited that I haven't been able to talk about it out loud, lest I deafen/bore/squeeze to death the poor recipient of my Doctor Who based rant/high-pitched noise. So I'm getting all my excitement out in list form. Since I was not privy to the screening this blog has a no spoilers guarantee. Don't you worry, I'm just a crazed fan like you. So here is my Top Five Doctor Who Series Six Predictions.

5.Pond Legs
I predict that Amy Pond will wear the tiniest skirts in the most inappropriate and potentially life threatening situations. For example, maybe she's trapped in a pit and is about to be eaten by a giant sand beast. She looks around and sees a wall with rocks that jut out and decides to scale it to escape her certain doom. Surely this is a situation for jeans, yes? Potential knee scrapage and all that? To be fair if I had legs like Karen Gillan I'd wear tiny skirts all the time too. Also there would certainly be outrage from the male nerd population if her legs were hidden away in jeans so thank Moffat for Amy Pond and her wee skirts.

4. RUN!
My next prediction is the hallmark of many a sci-fi show, lots of running. Look out a Dalek! RUN! You will be deleted! RUN! Must find the Master! RUN! Shit, it's the Master! RUN! Flying Shark! RUN! End of the Universe! RUN! Pft, I'm all puffed out. I predict the cast will have run at least one marathon while filming. The Doctor doesnae dawdle, eh?

3. AAAH!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
As I mentioned in my preamble this series is set to be seriously scary apparently, a return to the hiding-behind-the-sofa-days for real. Doctor Who does scary good; the Weeping Angels terrified the living daylights out of me. I still get freaked out by statues, thanks a lot Moffat! But actually though thanks Moffat, excellent scare. Another one of his great creations was the Vashta Nerada, a swarm of carnivorous creatures masquerading as shadows. And of course who could forget the Empty Child. Feeding on a common fear of the image of the gas mask and making it all the more creepy by putting it on a child (for some reason children are always well more creepy than adults) and then making it a monstrous creature that turns you into a vision of itself with one touch. 'Are you my mummy?' An advert for staying away from lost children if ever I saw one. What could possibly be more terrifying than that? The Silence, apparently. Shit.

2. BRITAIN, BRITAIN, BRITAIN
Even though the opener is set on American soil, Doctor Who is, was and will always be quintessentially British. We've got all the good history, Shakespeare, Queen Victoria, Charles Dickens, Agatha Christie, Winston Churchill and who knows who'll pop up in this series? The doctor himself is essentially an eccentric Englishman, with his bow tie and his tweed and his Police Box Spaceship, all iconic and all British. I bet Gallifrey was a bit like Britain, Britain with red grass. This series we are lucky to have an episode written by brilliant British fantasy novelist, Neil Gaiman. NEIL FUCKING GAIMAN! I am beside myself with excitement for that particular episode especially. As well as being dark and scary and all that this time around, doctor Who is always a caper and no one does a caper like we do a caper. Bring on the japes.

1. Domestic Strife?
The Doctor now has a married couple travelling with him after Rory and Amy's nuptials at the end of last series. How will the dynamics change? Will our Doctor feel somehow jealous of his counterparts because being a loan ranger has always been his thing? But then there's River Song. Who IS she? Who is she? Is she the Doctor's missus? Have Rory and Amy shown the Doctor that travelling through time and space with yer other half is actually no bad? Will the Doctor finally decide to pick a lady and stick? Oh the questions. Questions that may begin to be answered in T-Minus 20 MINUTES!

I will be back tomorrow with a short yet gushing post about tonights episode. Enjoy Who fans! GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

The Crimson Petal and the White: My New Telly Crush

Eee, that Crimson Petal and the White were good, weren't it? Based on the Michael Faber novel, it's a dark and saucy jaunt through Victorian London's Seedy underworld and EVERYONE was in it, acting brilliantly and everything.

There's a plethora costume dramas on the telly so what's so good about this one? Well first of all it looks bloody brilliant. Victorian London's underbelly is more terrifying than I have ever seen it, screams that ring out down the foul streets are met with indifference by the toothless, drunken, pox ridden inhabitants. The soundtrack adds to the nightmarish, claustrophobic atmosphere, muffled as though it were being listened to underwater, it gives the feeling you are drowning in this filthy underworld. This eerie setting is where we find Mrs. Castaway's brothel where our heroine, Sugar (Romola Garai), earns her keep.

Articulate Sugar writes of the bloody revenge she would reek on the disgusting men who come to the brothel and I am intrigued as to the reason why such a bright girl should have had to turn to prostitution. When privileged perfume magnate, William Rackham (the lovely Chris O'Dowd) arrives at Mrs. Castaway's he is like all the others, there to escape from financial woes and a troubled home-life but he becomes entranced by Sugar and pays to have her services exclusively, eventually moving her into a flat away from the slums she grew up in.

It's all happening in Victorian London as we find out that Rackham is a bit of a cunt, selfishly indulging in his pleasures while his wife loses the plot at home. It's not been revealed yet exactly what is wrong with Agnes Rackham (Amanda Hale) but whatever terrible trauma she's suffered, it has turned her barmy. Seeing Sugar from her window one day, Agnes believes that she is her guardian angel sent to save her. Sugar becomes very protective of Agnes, rushing to her aid when she collapses of malnutrition and when William casually mentions that he and Agnes have a child together, the resentment for William creeps back in as Sugar begins to see how self-absorbed he is.

Having only seen O'Dowd in comedy before it was a happy surprise to see him in a dramatic role. Also, good English accent. Garai plays Sugar other-worldly yet powerful while Hale does crazy very well. The rest of the cast are as fantastic, playing the sub plots beautifully. Mark Gatiss plays William Rackham's sexually repressed brother who finds himself having lustful feelings for philanthropic widow, Mrs. Fox (Shirley Henderson). However, he set himself on fire and she's probably just died of consumption at the end of last weeks episode so disappointingly we probably won't be seeing much of them this week. Richard E. Grant pops up as the creepy Dr. Curlew and Gillian Anderson is excellent as wretched hag and Madame, Mrs. Castaway, who it turns out is Sugar's mother! Jings. It's like a mini-soap with nice frocks.

At the end of last weeks episode, Sugar suggests taking up the role of governess to William and Agnes' thus far unseen daughter. How will Agnes react when her guardian angel comes to live with her? Will we finally find out the cause of her mental delusions? Will Sugar carry out her acts of revenge on William? Will we get to see Chris O'Dowd's balls again? Tune in tomorrow night, BBC2 at 9, to find out...

Campus: ROFL?

I need to stop getting excited about new telly programs because they are related to old ones that I love. It's an automatic response which pretty much always leads to crushing disappointment, like it did tonight with Green Wing writers' latest effort Campus. The trailers were promising, boasting the same kind of over the top, surreal antics once offered by Green Wing. The scene with Sue White (the brilliant Michelle Gomez. Where did you go? Come back to telly, Michelle!) sporting the big Monty Python-type arms is still hands-down one of the funniest things I have ever seen. I was jazzed to see a much needed injection of surreal daftness rejoining television schedules that are over-run with mediocre sitcoms and bland sketch shows. Hurray for the weird!

Campus was slow to start, introducing us to each of the characters, all of which seem to be a rehashing of Green Wing types. Imogen Moffat (Lisa Jackson) and Matt Beer (Joseph Millson) are clearly the series romance. He's an swaggering womaniser, she's a anxious mouse, they're so different but there's chemistry there so watch this space... YAWN. Seen it. Next! Okay, how about the slightly pathetic one, Flat (Jonathan Bailey), who looks up to the womanising Matt Beer, following him about like a sweaty puppy? Oh, right, that type's been done too. Then there's the bizarre, brash, nutter, Jonty de Wolfe (Andy Nyman); he gets the bizarre outfits and the outlandish lines, a bit like Sue White, yeah? Well, to a point yes. The scene where he stands in a green dress, conjures a small cymbal bashing monkey from Matt Beer's sock and then disappears is very Sue White but Wolfe also has bouts of racist behaviour that isn't funny. I think the idea is that Wolfe is meant to be ludicrous in every way and we can see his racism as an offshoot of that but unfortunately it doesn't come off that way. It's eye-rollingly stupid and nothing more.

There are hints of what Campus could be, however; mechanical engineering lecturer, Lydia Tennant (Dolly Wells) is so far sublime, "At school they called me the big shit. Because I was a big shit. And also, I do big shits". Juvenile and crude yes, but also fucking funny. There wasn't nearly enough of her, hopefully she'll feature more as the weeks go on. Also Flat is actually quite good too. He said 'ROFL' and 'sexing'. More of this please. The setting of a middle of the road uni is promising too, and hopefully we'll see a bit more student/lecturer interaction (steady), providing good dynamics for a few funny scenes.

To summarise, although there were a few good bits, nothing as yet has been truly LOLful and I'm not really sure where it's going but I'll maybe stick around for the next few weeks to see if it does finally get off the ground. So unfortunately for Campus, with Green Wing as its sister, it's never going to be the sexy one.

The Return of Adam & Joe = Probably the Happiest Day of My Life

The outpouring of joy was palpable when it was announced that Adam & Joe would be returning to their 6 Music show for a twelve week run. They were sorely missed, especially by me and you probably, like somebody had ripped off my ears and wouldn't give them back for fifteen months. For fifteen months I wandered through the radio wilderness, dipping into my old podcasts on Cd's what I made with a melancholic happiness. There's nothing like listening to an Adam & Joe podcast or a Black Squadron command with fresh ears, this week my ears were once again made delirious. Since this isn't strictly telly, I thought I'd use this as an opportunity to revisit my favourite classic Adam & Joe Show sketches from their telly days in honour of their return. I was going to do a Top Five but it was well too hard so I'm rolling with a Top Six instead. They call me Tony Maverick (not really). Aye, so, here ye are....

6. American Beautoy
This cuddly toy homage, or piss-take, of the Sam Mendes classic (ahem) is packed full of quotes, overused by my brother and I and my pals. This is the opening line: 'My name is Molester Burnham, by the end of this film I'll be dead and you'll wish you were.' Brilliant. There are a number of other things that make this parody excellent: the monkey playing Spacey that weirdly looks very like Spacey, the Dancing Bag ('Dance ye fucker! Large it!'), the Real Estate Lion King ('Hakunamatata.'), to name but a few. Intrigued? YouTube! Go! Now! Or in a minute.

5. People Place
'Welcome to People Place, the show that goes wherever there's a place with people, in it.' I'll give the person who can name the original show being parodied here a MILLION POUNDS, not really, but I will give you props. Whatever its name, it was one of those filler show, watched by no-one for more than three minutes. The beige presenters seemed to travel to shopping centers and attempt to fill a show with the blandest gubbins you ever did see. The essence of it all is captured in 'People Place': the matching yellow jogging suits, the crap, mind numbingly pointless items ('What's in your boot?' 'Luggage.') and the bizarre asides('Take a look at this mug tree. Just give it a whizz and mugs there is!' See when I was twelve, THAT was the funniest thing I'd ever heard).

4. Star Wars in Their Eyes
Buckles and Cornballs parodies using Star Wars figures were always brilliant and there were loads to chose from, 'The Imperial Family', 'TFI A long time ago in a Galaxy far, far away.', 'Big Jabba', 'Chew Wants to Be a Millionaire', but my favourite has to be 'Star Wars in Their Eyes', mainly because of C3P0 and R2D2's homoerotic (can droids be homoerotic?) Pet Shop Droids. Dressed in the yellow pointy hats they sing 'Come on, R2D2 touch me,' (to the tune of 'Se a vida e') and for some reason this line rendered me and my pals helpless. I love that the premise of the film is that Luke finds his Dad (Darth Vader, 'member?) embarrassing when he sings karaoke: 'Gee Han, my Dad is so embarrassing.' The absolute best thing about it though has to be Mattchew Kelly, a plastic Wookie in a spangly suit? Aye, that'll do me.

3. The 1980s House
Sending up the, what I call, 'time-travelling home shows' (catchy, eh?) of the time, like 'The 1900s House', 'The 1980s House' follows the Fatboyslim family as they attempt to live life as they would have done way back in the 1980s. The house they come up with is actually pretty awesome, I genuinely want to live there, I mean they've got a telly alarm. Amazing. Seriously though, pull up the video on YouTube and check out Adam, the mum's, reaction to the house and also his hair. Both are fucking funny. Joe plays dad, Paul, who works as stock market trader. After champagne and a few lines of coke he heads off to work on his Sinclair C5. Ha! Why, oh why did they not catch on? Also after you've watched this, look for Adam's 80s song what he did for song wars, it has the same feel to it.

2. Omniken: Handy Andy
This sketch is pure jam-packed with LOLZ, ROFLs, LMAOs etc. Ken Korda interviews Handy Andy-Kane off of Changing Rooms, 'perhaps the most famous carpenter since Jesus'. Handy lives on a caravan site in Lower-Blackendecker. 'Handy was the youngest child of Randy and Mandy Andy-Kane and grew up along with brothers Dandy and Sandy and Sister Candy, next to the Wandsworth branch of B&Q.' *DIES LAUGHING* Ken Korda was a family favourite, with my brother and I impersonating his bizarre Morrissey/Kermit the Frog/car horn voice, great fun to do and very addictive, others may find you extremely annoying. Also Handy Andy is an excellent sport, engaging fully in the piss-take, creating art out of old junk which he calls 'Cryptosmashism'. But how does he find time after his 'DIY time' for 'ME-IY time'? Just watch it, it's fucking funny.

1. Dr. Spankles Hollywood Waxorama
An obscure choice maybe but it's my number one because it's weird, daft and uses real people as actual paying customers. Everyone likes them wax museums where the models move and talk, right? Well Adam & Joe test this theory by opening their Hollywood themed museum with shop dummies acting out scenes from famous films. First up it's Tom Cruise in 'Mission Impossible' and as the tatty shop dummy is lowered down, the looks on the faces of the customers are priceless as it begins to dawn on them that this museum might be total shite. Look out for Tom Hanks in Philadelphia, there are no words. Some people go with it and laugh at the crude exhibits but others don't look so amused. I would give my right and left arms to have gone to 'Dr. Spankles Hollywood Waxorama', so whenever I see a run-down, shit looking exhibit, I am going, lest I miss something as wonderful as the museum Buckles and Cornballs laid on that day.

Now please go and enjoy these and the many other A&J videos on YouTube. See you next Saturday Black Squadron! Why be Denny Different?!

Oh and Stephen.....?