The NTAs? Pft.

So lads and lassies, the awards season is once again upon us with Ant and Dec picking up gongs in every awards show (did you see they were nominated for Best Geordie Duo Who've Seen Films this year in the Oscars? True fact). Last week it was the National Television Awards, an evening of pure daft decisions and undeserving winners (yeah, okay, so next year I'll vote). Clearly I have my own ideas of who should win what, that's why this year I've decided to create my own awards. So, ladies and gentlemen, without further a-do, I give you The Suzies!

*Rapturous applause, whoops and wolf whistles*

Ah, you're too kind! The first category to be awarded is, Best Show About Life and the winner is.... da da-da da da da da DA! One Born Every Minute. You've heard me harp on about how much I love it already, the lovely old-school midwives, the biscuit-munching-no-nonsense-receptionist, the labouring women, the helpless partners and the miscellaneous tag-alongs. The programme has heart and a sense of distance that makes it less obtrusive than other documentaries. The new series is shaping up to be just as good, introducing us to such gems as the unusual first-time dad Ralph. Much much more of the same please, Channel 4!

On now to the award for Proper Best Soap and in their monumental 50th year the winner is Corrie! Yes, CORRIE! Amazingly, Eastenders managed to take the award at the NTAs; voting public, what were you thinking?! Apart from anything else, when comparing the live episodes, Corrie wins hands-down. The acting was flawless (Fizz's over-egged labour aside) and there were no fluffed lines that I could see, unlike Easties, where Jack Branning stumbled over his words like an overly nervous 13 year old in a high school production of Oliver! The effects were a million times better, no unconvincing falls here, but fire and explosions and collapsing buildings all timed perfectly and realistically executed. Yeah, there was no big reveal like Easties' 'Who killed Archie story line?' (it was Stacey, remember? I'd forgotten too because we found out and then ball-all happened) but it was so packed with dramatic moments and who's-gonna-die? teasers that it didn't matter. RITA'S NOT IN TOWN! SHE BURIED UNDER THE PENNY SWEETS!!!! And another thing, Corrie's comedy is brilliant, sharp, well written and believable. Eastie's doesn't do believable comedy well; it's clumsy, embarrassing and NOT FUNNY. Corrie has Graham and Easties has Fat Boy. 'Nuff said.

Our third award of the evening is for Best Business-Person Programme and, quite predictibally, this award goes to the Apprentice. Oh, it was good. It was really fucking good. It brought us bizarre characters form the land of business who bickered/huffed/crashed/bullied/ambled/bullshitted their way through a series of ridiculous tasks. Who could forget the monumentally pointless DVD task? 'Would you like a DVD of yourself arsing about in front of a blue screen for a couple of minutes?' Answer, 'No.' Fair enough. Or what about the Bakery task? 'We know you asked for a thousand rolls, but we made you eighteen, would that do you?' Answer, 'No.' Understandable. But surely the King of tasks this series was the Tour Guide task. 'Would you like to join me in a lack-luster chorus of 'Knees up Mother Brown?'' Answer, *SILENCE*. 'And it's known as the gherkin because it's shaped like a gherkin.' Thanks for clearing that mystery up for me Jamie, I had always wondered...

This brings me on rather neatly to the Suzie for He/She is Something Else. Of course the winner is Stuart Baggs 'the Brand'. I could justify this category by simply listing but a few of his astonishing quotes so I will.
'Everything I touch turns to sold.'
'Das is wunderbar!'
'Why not? I'm alive. There's so many people that aren't alive, or have died unfortunately, now I'm alive and that's a gift frankly.'
'I need to reign in my extreme masculinity.'
'I'm not a one trick pony, I'm not a ten trick pony, I've got a field of ponies waiting to run towards this.'
'How good are we, that even when we’re shit, we still win?'
Etc. Etc. Just wow.

Up next is the Don't call it a Comeback award which goes to Doctor Who. After the departure of Russell T. Davis as executive producer, who took with him a number of well-loved characters and put them to bed, Steven Moffat stepped in to fill his shoes. No one was worried by this transition, after all, Moffat had previously written some of the best Doctor Who episodes, including 'Forest of the Dead/Silence in the Library', 'the Doctor Dances' and the terrifying 'Blink'. So rather than being anxious, I was excited to see where Moffat would take the Doctor and how his new companion, Amy Pond, would fit into the Doctor's world. The writing was genius, with excellent inventions such as the 'very old and very kind' Star Whale, the return of the Weeping Angels and the popping up of historical figures like Winston Churchill and Vincent Vangough. Sci-fi, it may be but Doctor Who as always covers universal themes of love, loyalty, power, despair and so on with incredible pathos and heart while still maintaining a joyous sense of adventure and of humour. Matt Smith and Karen Gillan are an excellent team and the next series should prove interesting as it sees the Doctor travelling with a married couple. I literally cannot wait, but I'm not sure what can top a flying shark, let's find out.

The final award of the evening is the Suzie for The Barriest Thing on Telly This Year. And the award goes to *drum roll* Sherlock. I fucking love Sherlock. Steven Moffat and Mark Gattis team up to create an updated version of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's maticulous 19th century detective. The Sherlock of the 21st century is brilliantly re-imagined as a highly functioning sociopath played by Benedict Cumberbatch, who is is pitch perfect and strangely attractive in the role. Martin Freeman plays his assistant Doctor John Watson, an injured military man adjusting to life as a civilian. Sherlock and John have an intreaguing relationship; they are reluctantly fond of each other until the finale of the three episodes when Sherlock reveals his hand when the two are faced with the mysterious villain Moriarti (who is just AWESOME). I won't reveal the plot for those who haven't seen it (have a word with yourselves) but the end of series cliff-hanger is so gripping that every time I think of it I get proper knots in my stomach, now writing this, I feel sick. I've had to come up with a method to block out the palpable terror that bubbles up in my gut: Oh, it's Flight of the Conchords singing a song they wrote for me called 'New Pens', while I draw spirals with the new pens and oh look, here come some puppies to climb on me and lick my face....

Further awards go to Peep Show for Most LOL's Per Minute, Big Brother gets the Cheerio! award and Charlie Brooker gets the Clever Trevor award for Newswipe, Screenwipe and You Have Been Watching.

So, thanks to everyone for coming out to the inaugural Suzies award show. Until next year, keep 'em square (your eyes, I mean. Catchy eh?). Cho!

Top Five Festive Telly

Happy New Year all! I'm back after spending time with the family playing the Wii what Santa brought us, eating lovely food, inexplicably unavailable the rest of the year round, drinking a vat of wine every day and losing yet another game of Trivial Pursuit because the questions are twenty bloody years old! Anyway, as this most festive season draws to a close and we take down the our trees and begin the half-arsed diet and fitness regimes, let's reminisce on what telly had to offer us this Christmas and New Year.

5.Whistle and I'll come to you
Another adaptation of the classic M.R. James ghost story was screened this Christmas Eve on BBC2 with John Hurt in the lead role. The story has been tinkered with and given an interesting new angle as Hurt's character has just made the difficult move to put his wife, who is suffering from dementia, in a home. This new version plays on the idea of being haunted by guilt and sorrow at having lost the woman he once knew. As well as being surprisingly poignant it was also bloody terrifying. The shrouded figure, never moving but drawing ever closer is terrifying and that bust in the hotel room is by the far the creepiest thing I ever did see. It's a true testament to the original story that the most chilling aspect of all is still the phrase, 'Who is this who is coming.' It never fails to send shivers down the spine.

4.Upstairs, Downstairs
When the original Upstairs, Downstairs aired in the early 70s I didn't even exist so I entered the viewing experience with completely fresh eyes. Jean Marsh returns to 165 Eaton Place as housekeeper, Rose Buck, with a fantastic cast of new characters. It's pre WWII, the power of the aristocracy is dwindling and the King has abdicated to marry his fancy American piece, Wallis Simpson. Yes sirree, the times they are a-changin'. There's a lot going on in 165 Eaton Place: fascists, German-Jewish refugees, flirting under doors, deaths, births, drivers having it away with the lady of the house, Cecil Beaton taking photos, footmen dismissed cos they're a bit mental, missing pies, secret sisters, mute children and a monkey. The styling was beautiful, the accents were clipped and proper, the kind found only on Giles Brandreth today. Special mention goes to Eileen Atkins, who gives a fantastic performance as the formidable Lady Maud Holland, delivering wonderfully written lines such as, 'I told Agnes to vomit in her handbag, but she refused on the grounds that it was suede lined.' Also, the Christmas tree in the final scene was so beautiful it made me cry.

3.Father Ted Night
It's a brand new year but you wish it was over already because the mariachis band parading around your head are painfully out of tune and they have invited a troupe of tap dancers to join in. OUCH. So all you can do is sit on the couch and see if anything on the telly can drown them out. This year, Channel 4 put on a night dedicated to Father Ted and it was just what the doctor ordered. First of all, I LOVE Father Ted. It reminds me of being young and quoting it endlessly with my brother (after going to mass with my Dad, 'Great, mass!'). Writers Arthur Matthews and Graham Linehan reveal their influences, favourite moments and episodes. Viewer's pick their favourite episode too, 'Speed 3' (also one of my faves, Pat Mustard is a wonderfully disturbing creation) Some of the cast get together and go back to Craggy Island's parochial house, which is now a Mecca for Ted fans. Also the evening gave us a chance to reflect on the driving force of the show, Dermot Morgan. A brilliantly funny actor who is still sorely missed. Without him Ted wouldn't be Ted. So hats off to Mr. Matthews and Mr. Linehan for casting him in the lead role. Imagine a world without Father Ted? Nope. Can't do it.

2.Peep Show
The Christmas Eve and Hogmanay episodes of Peep Show rounded off series seven, providing LOL after LOL until I cried. Christmas was particularly special as the El Dude brothers battle through a hugely awkward and cringe-tastic day with Mark's parents, Super Hans and Dobby. Mark is stressed out by the whole affair, 'Merry migraine and Happy New stomach ulcer.' Jeremy's unquenchable Christmas spirit was an eye-opener as a few friends pointed out, 'that's you, that is.' And it was. I consider myself to be the spirit of the festive season and woe betide you who rock my Christmas boat. As Jez says when he turns down sex with Mark's sister in the name of Father Christmas, 'Of course I don't believe in Jesus but I do believe in Christmas. I'm a Christmasist.' Mark's dad is the Grinch to Jez's Tiny Tim, snide, sexist and homophobic but he gets his comeuppance when Mark shreds his Christmas dinner, 'Merry Christ-Mark!' Yeah!

1.Doctor Who: A Christmas Carol
Doctor. Fucking. Who. No one speak! It's Doctor. Fucking. Who. One whole hour of blissful geeking out in a very Christmassy way. Stephen Moffat's fantastically Whoed-up Christmas Carol sees the Doctor having to save the lives of Amy, Rory and everyone else on a ship about to crash. Michael Gambon plays the superbly named Kazran Sardick, who could save all their lives but he's bit of an old Scrooge (hoho). The Doctor has to change his mind and so uses the tools he has, namely a big ol' blue time machine, to go back into Kazran's past and change his memories. The writing is so perfect, as it glides along smoothly through the clever twists and turns and there's a flying shark. A FLYING SHARK. Yes, I know, it is the coolest thing ever. Katherine Jenkins does a turn as Kazran's love interest, whom he and the Doctor defrost every Christmas Eve and take her on various jaunts and japes. She even gets to do a song at the end, which is nice. Sitting on the sofa, full of turkey and bread sauce, it was exactly the right tone and pace for early Christmas Day evening. With the teasers for the new series shown straight after the Christmas special, I genuinely cannot wait. Sublime. More of the same please, Mr. Moffat!

Writing Heaven: Peep Show Returns.

YAAASSS! Peep Show is back! Rarely is there an episode that is a miss so my expectations are always high. The series opener, the birth of Mark and Sophie's son, does not disappoint. The hospital provides a fantastically inappropriate setting for Jez to once again meet the girl of his dreams. This one's boyfriend is in a coma but obviously that doesn't stop Jez, it's just an obstacle to be overcome; 'terribrill'. Meanwhile, the boiler's exploded and Sophie's in labour. Mark is not coping so he pops out for a bucket of chicken and a shot on the arcades; 'Is this the worst thing I've ever done?'

The shows format is a big reason it's so good. Getting inside the characters' heads and following their trains of thought affords a knowledge of Mark and Jez that the other characters seemingly don't get i.e. that they're quite selfish people when it comes down to it. They're strangely likable characters though and David Mitchell and Robert Webb are consistently brilliant in their roles. The thing that drives the show is of course the writing. The writing is so so brilliant that I'm struggling to express how fantastic this episode is without just retyping the script. Peep Show writers Jesse Armstrong and Sam Bain have tackled the amazing feat of keeping the show fresh after 6 series. Here are a few of my favourite lines in this episode:

Mark: 'The cervical sweep.' Jez: 'Chim-chim-cheree.'
Jez: 'I adore to read.'
Mark: 'OK, a birthing pool,don't believe in it but I have to sell it. I'm Claire Short backing Iraq; Trinny and Susannah endorsing Nescafe.'
Mark to a snippy nurse: 'You might be ripe for a trim in the cuts.'
Jez: 'I've kind of always wanted to see a birth; it'd be kind of like Alien but sexy. Sexy Alien.'
Mark about Jez: 'Of course, brings the insufferable music then goes. He's like the 1980s.'
Super Hans: 'Plumbing's just fucking Lego innit. Water Lego.'
Mark when asked if he'd like to cut the cord: 'No. Do you want to do some credit rating or work in a Mexican restaurant? Let's stick to our jobs.'
Mark on the two fantastic things that have happened to him that day: 'My son! Minimal water damage!'

Mark's right, the birth of his son is a 'biggie' so where will he go from here? What kind of dad will he be? What about Uncle Jez? I can't wait to see where the writers will take the characters this series.

If you haven't seen it yet just WATCH IT because my writing about it, no matter how embarrassingly gushing it is, will not do it justice. Go. NOW!