The Apprentice Returns: 'Is that an orange?'

It's the most wonderful tiiime of the yeeeeaaar! That's right folks, The Apprentice is back and so is my weekly run down of all things Apprentice. This week as a special treat you'll get two whole posting from me! Cos there's two whole episodes, innit. Before the the first episode last night I had a look at the candidates interviews to see who I should watch out for and right away shit-talking awkward Ed stood out for me, with his shiny head and his waving arms, 'I don't believe Lord Sugar would find anything difficult about me.' Wow, really? This guy might do well, eh? Another of the candidates I liked was Ellie, maybe it's the lovely Yorkshire accent, maybe it's her no nonsense chat, 'I'm just a nice person really, but I have got a dark side if somebody treats me badly', don't we all. How will my horses do? Let's find out...

DUM DI DUM DI DUM DI DUM DI DUM DI DUM DI DII DII! Here they come, across the bridge all in their nice suits with their suitcases, talking a lot of crap, 'Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon', candidate, Melody, reads her words of wisdom off a fridge magnet. In the boardroom the candidates meet Shoogs for the first time and he explains that this year the name of the game is different, instead of working for him, the winner will be working WITH Shoogs, who will inject £250 grand into an unspecified business. Well some of them have got businesses, others do sales and there's even some inventors. Bespectacled Thomas invented the world's first curved nail file. Impressive, no? I like Thomas, he seems lovely but be warned 'underneath these spectacles is a core of steal.' Aw! No there isn't. Nor does there have to be, stay lovely Thomas and you'll be fine. Back to this weeks task and rather predictably Shoogs splits the teams into boys v. girls. Shoogs gives each team £250 and tells them to buy some fruit, make sumfink wiv it then sell it. Simple.

Ah, the team names, always massively underwhelming and this year is no exception. After throwing some poor to middling suggestions into the ring like 'Platinum' and 'Galvanised', the girls end up go for 'Venture' *YAWN* Leon pipes up with an hilarious suggestion 'Leontrepeneur' for the boys team. HA! But the boys who have no vision and no sense of humour go for 'Logic'. Since these names are so shit I've decided this year to name the teams myself. The girls team shall now be known as SISTA TRIBE and the boys will be THE POSSE CREW. Because moonwalker Melody has been personally taught by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu (yup, that's what she said) she will lead SISTA TRIBE while waving-arm Ed will head up THE POSSE CREW.

The boys head out to the fruit and veg market in search of oranges. Picking up a round orange fruit the killer question is posed, 'is that an orange?' Wow. The girls fair a little better spending only £180 of the Shoogs' money and both teams head back to their kitchens to make their products. SISTA TRIBE split their products into breakfast and lunch, selling fruit salads and minging tomato pasta. THE POSSE CREW decide to go for orange juice and soup. Jim Eastwood (cool name, cool accent) does well in the boys team, diffusing arguments in the kitchen and behaving generally like a good chap. I like him. Actually. Weird. Disaster hits the boys' kitchen, however, when the juicer breaks and the 1400 oranges (we checked, they ARE oranges) have to be squeezed by hand. OUCH. Eventually both teams get their goods out and start selling and the girls seem to be fairing a lot better than the boys but will it be a shock result in the boardroom? No. No is the answer to that. SISTA TRIBE get the shit prize of champagne and some food in the house. Shoogs could've sent them to a nice restaurant at least. Tight.

Meanwhile down at the end of loser street in Heartbreak Cafe, Ed's team sob into their coffees. Now Ed has been 'rolling with the punches' all episode but back in the boardroom he really starts to shine. He talks. And talks. And talks a load of shite, 'that's my character, blah blah blah, I think you're soup man, blah blah blah, I don't fit the mould, blah blah, micro-manage, blah blah, when I was producing that was production, BLAAAAAH!' Jings. Ed brings back Gavin and Leon. Gavin seems alreet and he holds his corner well. Leon, on the other hand....well....

Shoogs: What was you doin' all day?
Leon: I ran the fixed unit.
Shoogs: You mean you was in the lorry?

Brilliant. Ed tries in vain to fight his case and he's really scraping the barrel for excuses, 'not only am I the youngest on the team, I'm the shortest.' Well flippin' done. Ed, you're fired. Oh well, that's life eh? I suppose you have to ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES.

Next time, the teams develop and sell mobile apps. Stay tuned for some offensive stereotypes. Welcome back The Apprentice!

The NTAs? Pft.

So lads and lassies, the awards season is once again upon us with Ant and Dec picking up gongs in every awards show (did you see they were nominated for Best Geordie Duo Who've Seen Films this year in the Oscars? True fact). Last week it was the National Television Awards, an evening of pure daft decisions and undeserving winners (yeah, okay, so next year I'll vote). Clearly I have my own ideas of who should win what, that's why this year I've decided to create my own awards. So, ladies and gentlemen, without further a-do, I give you The Suzies!

*Rapturous applause, whoops and wolf whistles*

Ah, you're too kind! The first category to be awarded is, Best Show About Life and the winner is.... da da-da da da da da DA! One Born Every Minute. You've heard me harp on about how much I love it already, the lovely old-school midwives, the biscuit-munching-no-nonsense-receptionist, the labouring women, the helpless partners and the miscellaneous tag-alongs. The programme has heart and a sense of distance that makes it less obtrusive than other documentaries. The new series is shaping up to be just as good, introducing us to such gems as the unusual first-time dad Ralph. Much much more of the same please, Channel 4!

On now to the award for Proper Best Soap and in their monumental 50th year the winner is Corrie! Yes, CORRIE! Amazingly, Eastenders managed to take the award at the NTAs; voting public, what were you thinking?! Apart from anything else, when comparing the live episodes, Corrie wins hands-down. The acting was flawless (Fizz's over-egged labour aside) and there were no fluffed lines that I could see, unlike Easties, where Jack Branning stumbled over his words like an overly nervous 13 year old in a high school production of Oliver! The effects were a million times better, no unconvincing falls here, but fire and explosions and collapsing buildings all timed perfectly and realistically executed. Yeah, there was no big reveal like Easties' 'Who killed Archie story line?' (it was Stacey, remember? I'd forgotten too because we found out and then ball-all happened) but it was so packed with dramatic moments and who's-gonna-die? teasers that it didn't matter. RITA'S NOT IN TOWN! SHE BURIED UNDER THE PENNY SWEETS!!!! And another thing, Corrie's comedy is brilliant, sharp, well written and believable. Eastie's doesn't do believable comedy well; it's clumsy, embarrassing and NOT FUNNY. Corrie has Graham and Easties has Fat Boy. 'Nuff said.

Our third award of the evening is for Best Business-Person Programme and, quite predictibally, this award goes to the Apprentice. Oh, it was good. It was really fucking good. It brought us bizarre characters form the land of business who bickered/huffed/crashed/bullied/ambled/bullshitted their way through a series of ridiculous tasks. Who could forget the monumentally pointless DVD task? 'Would you like a DVD of yourself arsing about in front of a blue screen for a couple of minutes?' Answer, 'No.' Fair enough. Or what about the Bakery task? 'We know you asked for a thousand rolls, but we made you eighteen, would that do you?' Answer, 'No.' Understandable. But surely the King of tasks this series was the Tour Guide task. 'Would you like to join me in a lack-luster chorus of 'Knees up Mother Brown?'' Answer, *SILENCE*. 'And it's known as the gherkin because it's shaped like a gherkin.' Thanks for clearing that mystery up for me Jamie, I had always wondered...

This brings me on rather neatly to the Suzie for He/She is Something Else. Of course the winner is Stuart Baggs 'the Brand'. I could justify this category by simply listing but a few of his astonishing quotes so I will.
'Everything I touch turns to sold.'
'Das is wunderbar!'
'Why not? I'm alive. There's so many people that aren't alive, or have died unfortunately, now I'm alive and that's a gift frankly.'
'I need to reign in my extreme masculinity.'
'I'm not a one trick pony, I'm not a ten trick pony, I've got a field of ponies waiting to run towards this.'
'How good are we, that even when we’re shit, we still win?'
Etc. Etc. Just wow.

Up next is the Don't call it a Comeback award which goes to Doctor Who. After the departure of Russell T. Davis as executive producer, who took with him a number of well-loved characters and put them to bed, Steven Moffat stepped in to fill his shoes. No one was worried by this transition, after all, Moffat had previously written some of the best Doctor Who episodes, including 'Forest of the Dead/Silence in the Library', 'the Doctor Dances' and the terrifying 'Blink'. So rather than being anxious, I was excited to see where Moffat would take the Doctor and how his new companion, Amy Pond, would fit into the Doctor's world. The writing was genius, with excellent inventions such as the 'very old and very kind' Star Whale, the return of the Weeping Angels and the popping up of historical figures like Winston Churchill and Vincent Vangough. Sci-fi, it may be but Doctor Who as always covers universal themes of love, loyalty, power, despair and so on with incredible pathos and heart while still maintaining a joyous sense of adventure and of humour. Matt Smith and Karen Gillan are an excellent team and the next series should prove interesting as it sees the Doctor travelling with a married couple. I literally cannot wait, but I'm not sure what can top a flying shark, let's find out.

The final award of the evening is the Suzie for The Barriest Thing on Telly This Year. And the award goes to *drum roll* Sherlock. I fucking love Sherlock. Steven Moffat and Mark Gattis team up to create an updated version of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's maticulous 19th century detective. The Sherlock of the 21st century is brilliantly re-imagined as a highly functioning sociopath played by Benedict Cumberbatch, who is is pitch perfect and strangely attractive in the role. Martin Freeman plays his assistant Doctor John Watson, an injured military man adjusting to life as a civilian. Sherlock and John have an intreaguing relationship; they are reluctantly fond of each other until the finale of the three episodes when Sherlock reveals his hand when the two are faced with the mysterious villain Moriarti (who is just AWESOME). I won't reveal the plot for those who haven't seen it (have a word with yourselves) but the end of series cliff-hanger is so gripping that every time I think of it I get proper knots in my stomach, now writing this, I feel sick. I've had to come up with a method to block out the palpable terror that bubbles up in my gut: Oh, it's Flight of the Conchords singing a song they wrote for me called 'New Pens', while I draw spirals with the new pens and oh look, here come some puppies to climb on me and lick my face....

Further awards go to Peep Show for Most LOL's Per Minute, Big Brother gets the Cheerio! award and Charlie Brooker gets the Clever Trevor award for Newswipe, Screenwipe and You Have Been Watching.

So, thanks to everyone for coming out to the inaugural Suzies award show. Until next year, keep 'em square (your eyes, I mean. Catchy eh?). Cho!

Reflections on Stella

I couldn't end my Apprentice blogging for this series without a congrats for our winner, Stella. Bookies favourite from the off, I've been back and forth on the ice-cool Lady Stella. Week two was definitely the week she showed us all what kind of candidate she was, whipping the aggressive boys team into shape. She made them clear up the mess they made of the china shop the week before when they corralled into it, horns blazing, and made it clear she'd stand for no more of their nonsense. Although their idea for a beach product was also rubbish, her calming influence led her team to victory.

In the weeks that followed, Stella's efforts were somewhat overshadowed by the large number of massive morons doing and saying stupid things; Alex and his apple-pie made of oranges, Melissa and her made-up business speak, Laura throwing strops and declaring everything to be SHIIIT. Throughout, Stella managed to stealthily avoid the boardroom so far.

She returned in week eight to project manage the crisp task, leading her team once again to victory. However the next week was not so rosie for her as her team failed to negotiate as well as the boys and lost the task. Her team then turned on her calling her too 'corporate' for Shoogs but she held her own and winging Laura was finally booted out. After a spat with Liz in the cab on the way back to the house, in which Liz implied Stella should have gone over Laura, Stella's steely determination stepped up a gear.

Week ten saw Stella take on the role as tour guide to prove to Shoogs and the rest of them, that she could be silly and let her hair down. This didn't go as planned, however and she managed to patronise a cockney, failed dismally to whip up a sing-song with her lack-luster version of 'Knees-Up, Mother Brown' and led her tour group down a dodgy alley to look at some graffiti. I thought it might be all over for Stella then but in a boardroom travesty, record-breaking Liz was fired over Baggs and his ponies. It was a lucky escape for Stella.

Lady Stella redeemed herself and then some at the interviews in week eleven by taking on the interviewer's difficult questions with a cool head, giving considered and concise answers. Up in my estimations she once again rose and I wasn't the only one who was impressed, Shoogs was too, taking her and Chris through to the final.

Early on in the final week there was no question as to who would be crowned Shoogs' apprentice. Stella led her team well, her drink idea was better and the bottle far less ridiculous.

Stella came from a council estate and with no qualifications and built a successful career in a Japanese bank who found her so indispensable they created a position for her. She works hard and is, and this is key, SENSIBLE. She's not a ridiculous character like Baggs or Alex; she's not as charismatic as Jamie; she doesn't rely on hypno-eyes like Chris; she was just better all round than all of them and was SENSIBLE throughout. Like I said at the beginning, I know nothing of the alien world that is business, but I do know that every company could surely use a Stella.

Well, that's the ponies back in the stables until next year, fellow Apprentice buffs. Follow that!

The Baggs Saga: The Conclusion

It's that time again and I've got the post-Apprentice blues. One by one the candidates have drifted from my telly back into the business abyss and I won't see their ilk for another year. I am bereft. I'll be the one hanging outside telecoms companies asking employees if they own a pony, or indeed a whole field of them.

The final was a good 'un but without Herr Baggs it was a wee bitty dull so since I was indisposed last week, I'm going to take this opportunity to discuss the Baggsy's final week. Of course it had to be the interviews that finally finished him off, he doesn't seem the type to interview well, does he? The spoilers from the week before seemed to suggest so ('You're not a Brand.' 'I think I might be.' Classic). The interviewers are three of Shoogs' most trusted colleagues; two miscellaneous business chaps and THE Margaret Mountford ('her hair is like a cloud'). Baggsy makes the mistake of greeting Margaret like an old friend, EH-EH (that is the sound from Family Fortunes when they get a question wrong, but you knew that, anyway...)! He explains that he feels as though he knows her, cos she's off the telly but with one raised eyebrow she brings the Baggs down. Her deranged professor stare is enough to stop anyone in their tracks and Baggs is buckling.

Miscellaneous business chap number one, thuggish in looks, posh in voice and French in name, Claude, takes on Baggs for round two. Right away he receives an icy reception as Baggs goes in for a hand shake, a gesture which is firmly ignored. BURN! Then he's told he's just a kid, he's no 'Brand'. BUURN! And finally after declaring himself to be a big fish in a small pond he is told, 'You're not a big fish. You're not even a fish.' BUUURRN! Oh dear, these guys have taken an instant disliking to Baggs and unfortunately for him, but very fortunately for us, it is about to get much worse.

Why do they lie on they're CVs? There's always one chancer and this series it's Baggs, of course! Miscellaneous business chap number two picks apart his CV. I'm not sure of the ins and outs of it all but basically he says he holds a full licence for his telecoms company when in fact he only holds part of a licence, or something. Prefacing his defence by saying he doesn't want to sound like he's trying to weasel out of it, he inevitably starts squeaking like a cornered weasel. But is a fully fledged telecoms company, in his mind! Right, I see. To be fair, I do think Baggs really believes this. In his MIND he is a brand; in his MIND he has a fully fledged telecoms company; in his MIND everything he touches turns to sold; in his MIND are literally fields of grazing ponies, just waiting to carry forth his brilliant ideas, like a chip to put in your pet to trace it if you lose it. What a truly originally genius idea. The crux is really this, Baggs lives in Baggs land and sees everything through Baggs tinted lenses. Oh to be inside that head and see what he sees, I bet we'd all be saying das ist wunderbar! Far more wunderbar than John Malkovich's head, take note Charlie Kaufman.

Shoogs is less understanding of Baggs' delusions of grandeur, however, and reveals how angry he is at himself that he let Liz go the week before. And a whole nation cried out, 'Thank you!' as one and lo, the Baggs was fired. Here endeth the truly bizarre tale of Stuart Baggs, or does it? I literally have no clue what he could do now. Perhaps one day, I'll run into him, a vagrant roaming the City, stopping passers-by and pitching his ideas; 'It's a towel and a cooler at the same time! Please, sir, I've seen the future and it's name is Cuuulliii!!!'

Watch out! There's a whole field of ponies running right at you!

Silly hats = great task. Fact. This week the candidates meet Shoogs at a Wandsworth bus depot and are told their task will be to set up and run a London tour company with tours on both bus and foot. I can sense the cringes creeping in already.

Stuart heads up Stella and Liz in Synergy. In the brainstorming Stella is passionate about an East End, cor blimey gov'ner, jellied eels, up the apples and pears, would you Adam and Eve it, Cockney theme. Well maybe it's because she's a Londoner, why Stella loves London so (sorry). Jo, meanwhile, takes charge of Jamie and Chris who go for a ghosties, ghoulies, blood, guts and Sweeney Todd theme. Jamie does his best Igor impression to pitch it to his team and it's a winning pitch.

And they're off! Liz finds a jellied eel man for her tour and tells him to cockney it up a bit for the punters. Oh dear, he does not look impressed. On the other team Jo is driving poor Jamie completely round the twist, nagging at him like an overbearing mother. Finally he snaps, apparently she's been 'rubbing him all day' (ooh la la). So with the walking and bus routes chosen it's time drum up some business. Each team is given the opportunity to pitch to the London Tourist Centre to become their tour of the day. Baggsy's team price themselves out of the game at £35 for an adult ticket but Jo's team fair better with Chris offering a massive 20% of ALL THEIR PROFITS. Of course they're going to take that deal but has Chris just shot himself in the foot?

Jim-Jam-Jamie is doing a pretty good job tour guiding, although his shtick is properly stomach churning and full of gore. Of course, if you pay for a ghosties and ghoulies tour, you're defo getting your money's worth. As the day continues, Jamie just gets better and better with his ludicrous facts. Here are just a few facts a la Jamie about some famous London landmarks:
The Thames - 'the second biggest river in London.'
Big Ben - 'the face of the clock is 20 diameters in width.'
The Gherkin - 'It's called the Gherkin because it looks like a gherkin,'
Wow Jamie, you are wrecking my head.

Baggsy takes it to the next level this week, hovering around Jo's team's pitch, trying to nick their customers. He's unsuccessful of course because no-one likes to be harassed, therefore no-one likes to be doubly harassed, therefore nobody likes to be harassed Baggsy style. Chris steps in to try to reason with Baggs ('just fuck off, mate') and Baggs is all in his face, 'Go on then, hit me.' Do it Chris, do it! FIGHT! Unfortunately Baggsy walks away unscathed, even though he's been asking for it all series.

Stella is the tour guide for Baggsy's team because it's a chance for her to show Shoogs her silly, fun side. However, it turns out she's about as silly and fun as a soggy jam sandwich and she has no idea what she's talking about: she announces landmarks they've driven past 100 yards ago, she can't find the jellied eel stand on the walking tour, she takes the tourists down a back street to look at some graffiti and then asks them if they think it's a Banksy and she dismally fails to get a sing-song going to 'Knees-up Mother Brown'. Oh lord. Jamie's bus, on the other hand, are having a rare old time singing 'London's Burning'. He may be the farthest from an authority on London you could get but he has charisma and the folks like his patter. Bad luck Stella.

So the task is over and although Jo's team appear to have done better, will their 20% commission bury them? It's time to find out as we enter the Boardroom. Of course it hasn't buried them! They win, in no small part thanks to Jamie who carried the whole task on his ludicrous shoulders. They're prize is a trip to....Jersey. Well, it's a step down from ACTUAL Paris but it'll do I suppose. Meanwhile down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak Cafe, Baggs believes they must all collectively take the blame but let's see if he throws anyone under the tour bus when they're in front of the firing squad.

Shoogs gives all three of them a chance to defend themselves and convince him that they should be in his final five. It's Baggsy's turn first, cue the most ludicrous tirade of nonsense you have ever heard leave a man's mouth. Not only does he make outlandish claims that he will make gazillions of pounds for a new, as yet unconceived, business he'll set up with Shoogs, he also says this:

'I'm not a one trick pony, I'm not a ten trick pony, I've got a field of ponies waiting to literally run towards this.'

I know, I have no words either. He then tells Shoogs about his prosperous yo-yo empire and how he did it all himself. I feel bad for Liz and Stella, in a how-can-they-possibly-follow-that? kind of way, not that it was good, just that it was ridiculous and they'll probably be trying to recover from it, process the ponies. Liz and Stella defend themselves but I can't for the life of me remember how, it's the shock. I hope I'm reading this wrong but is Shoogs IMPRESSED with Baggs? Well, 'as nutty as it sounds' Liz, you're fired. WHAT?! A nonsense and a travesty, however it does mean that Baggs will be about for the interviews next week which sees the welcome return of Margaret Mountford, hurray! Let's hope she annihilates Baggs the Brand, maybe she'll be the one to punch him.

Porky-Pies, Wins the Prize

I love this weeks task. It's all about buying and negotiation according to Shoogs. They're given a list of 10 obscure items to source and then haggle down to the best price they can get. It's battle of the sexes again with Jim-Jam-Jamie heading up the boys team while Liz is PM for the girls. Obviously I'm rooting for my sisters, 'mone the girls! They've got Liz AND Stella, what could possibly go wrong?

My girls get off to a flying start, all sourcing and organising meetings and whatnot. The boys on the other hand all run off, arms flailing, in different directions. Who's getting what? Where from? Who knows?! Stupid boys.

It's a cryptic list, what are these mystery items? A Tikka? A Bluebook? How on earth to find out? I mean, what would you do? Yeah, exactly, GOOGLE IT! From what I saw on Twitter, I was not the only one screaming this at the telly. Maybe Shoogs had banned it, so instead of using their logic like the girls the boys panic like a maths dud in a non-calculator exam. Wouldn't it be great if the the items were joke items; Baggsy would be sent for a long stand, Chris would be sent for some tartan paint etc. (sketch and/or impressions shows, you are welcome to use this idea).

Hmmm, but what's this? Jim-Jam-Jamie is quite a good negotiator, could the girls be in trouble? Could be, but hey, they got a whole pound off that sewing machine! Still, I remain convinced the girls have this one in the bag.

The star of the show this week, hands down, is pretty-boy Chris and his sweet little lies. When they finally discover what a Bluebook is (it's to do with the knowledge, you know) Chris explains that he needs the book for his brother who's taking his exam and he borrowed them and left them somewhere or something(?). Later we discover he needs some tartan for his nan because he's going to a wedding in Scotland and it's her birthday(?). Basically he hypnotises them with his beautiful eyes to get them down to the price he wants.

It's getting near the end of the task and everyone's panicking because this week they've got to get back to the boardroom by a certain time, a la America's Next Top Model. The girls are ticking their items off the list, one by one. Stella and Laura head to Knightsbridge for their truffles, after Stella fails to get her old mucka, Gordon Ramsay on the phone. Instead they go to a super posh restaurant and pay 200 quid for their truffles and leave. I'm none the wiser, I know nothing about truffles. The boys on the other hand are struggling to source their final few items. Poor Jim-Jam-Jamie's being haunted by a worktop. Oh dear.

As they all race to the finish line very slowly in their London cabs, things get very tense. 'Come on big man up there!' Stella implores. Does she mean God? Or Shoogs? Or maybe Big Ben, because he could hold back the time because he's a big clock? They all make it back, the girls a little late, but who cares? They've won this, easy.

Karen and Nick reveal the results. The boys have incurred £500 worth of penalties for items they've missed. Better luck next time lads- wait, what? The boys have won? But how? Turns out the girls negotiating was horrendous. Baggsy shrewdly observes the ridiculousness of the situation, 'How good are we? Even when we're shit we still win.' Quote of the series so far. So Herr Baggs becomes Monsieur Baggs when the winning team are sent to ACTUAL PARIS! A real bonefide treat, that is actually good?! This has indeed been a bizarre week.

Meanwhile, down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak Cafe, the girls are clearly feeling a little sheepish after their embarrassing loss and Stella points out the obvious, they just didn't negotiate hard enough. So disappointed. However, this does mean Laura will be in losing team, a chance for her to finally get booted off? We shall see... Liz saves Jo and takes Laura (yas!) and Stella into the boardroom because of the truffle debacle. Stella and Liz are both pretty brilliant. They're articulate and shrewd ('I hold my hands up' and 'I take that on board' aside), Laura has nae chance. She's FIRED! Ding! Dong! The whinger's gone! Thank CHRIST for that! Although I was very much on the girls' side this week, it all worked out for the best in the end and the most mind bogglingly irritating huffer the Apprentice ever did see is sent on her way. Cho! *Gets out Maracas and does a little dance*

On the way back to the house, it appears that Liz has taken some of the things Stella said a little too personally. 'It's a shame Laura went. She'll be missed.' Really? Have you seen Laura? Clearly this is meant as a dig at Stella who is too 'corporate' for Shoogs corporation(?). We shall see how this feud plays out next week when the teams will be Tour Guides. From the previews this looks more excruciating than any of the other tasks and they get to wear stupid uniforms and Baggsy and Chris nearly get into a fight. Brilliant!

Das ist SHIIIT!!!

So Baggsy lives to fight and irritate another week but he doesn't do much of either this week. What's happening here? Is he charming in Germany? Weird.

Yes, the candidates are told to pack their bags for a foreign business trip. Baggsy reckons it'll be somewhere tough like a war-zone or somewhere hot. Christopher hopes it's not Germany, he hates the Germans, so Germany it is then. They're off to flog some crisps to the Germans. PMs Stella and Chris stay behind with Laura and Liz to sort out the flavours while Baggsy and sleepy-eyed Jo and Jamie and Christopher fly away to Hamburg to sort out some meetings with potential clients. Of course they have to do some market research first, you know, ask a man what crisps he likes and eat some sausages. Job done. So what flavours are concluded from this thorugh research? Yup, you guessed it, curry-pie. Mmmmm, I loves me a curry-pie and to have it in a handy crisp snack? My mind is blown. However the rest of the team aren't so keen. Morons.

Baggs is turning it around this week, shmoozing the German clients by attempting to speak to them in German, das IST wunderbar, Herr Baggs! Jo, on the other hand gets no such snaps for not trying in any way. Instead she goes for the patronising tone and charades miming. They are German, Jo, not retarded.

Christopher and Jamie meanwhile, secure an appointment with a big hotel chain for 9 the next morning- no wait, can they make it 1 instead? Must be the jetlag. Herr Baggs isn't feeling the jetlag however so he takes the 9 o'clock appointment. Did Christopher and Jim-Jam-Jamie make a mistake there? We'll see...

The worst candidate and the worst person generally EVER has to be Laura. She gets worse every week. My blood has gone from simmering to full on boiling to exploding out of my head. There's blood everywhere Laura! You did this! Oh! It's all on my sofa, pass me the Germinator. Sorry about that, anyway so yeah, not fond of her. Herr Baggs reminds her to speak slower and clearly to the potential clients; of course she knows, Herr Baggs, she's not an idiot. Turns out she is an idiot and she talks at the poor guy so fast even I'm having trouble understanding her. Other things happen on the other team but Laura is so awful I can't even remember what they are. And there she goes again with another hissy fit. She's annoyed that Stella and Jo have nicked her meeting and they're just shitty pieces of shit, it's just SHIIIIT! Excuse me, just throwing my shoes at the telly.

That earlier meeting re-arrangement was indeed a mistake as it turns out. Stella and Jo took an order at 9 so obviously the man don't want your order Chris and Liz. No they don't want to trial the product along side the other teams product. Yes that is a shame. The man said no. Bye then.

Poor old Chris. He's lost. Again. He's going back to the Boardroom. Again. Once again awful Laura is on the winning team and they get to go shopping or something. Whatever. It's BULLSHIT!

Meanwhile, down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak cafe Chris is devestated over some sad piano music. My heart is actually breaking for him. Surely he's for the off, after all, this is his fourth time in front of Shoogs. Of course he brings back happless duo Jamie and Christopher. So Jamie what have you got to say? 'Well, you know, the early worm catches the bird.' Right. Christopher? 'I'm a nice guy.' Chris. *Sighs and shakes head.* Shoogs leads us a merry dance, who's going? Christopher, you're fired. Wow, massively surprised that Chris has survived, again. My theory is he's hypnotising Shoogs with his beautiful eyes....

Next week, buying crap for the least amount of money. Fantastic.

Q. 'Are you interested in being in our movie?' A. 'No.'

Ah Stuart Baggs. Baggs the Brand. 'Baggsy' Baggs. What a ridiculous person. Who is Stuart Baggs? What is Stuart Baggs? And most importantly why is Stuart Baggs? Every week he attempts to answer these questions but I've yet to understand his answers: his apples are orange and he is sales villain, 'Soldfinger'??? I thought I'd have a look at his audition tape to see if I could get any sense from him. And this is what he said motivates him to do what he does, you know, selling yoyos at school:

'Why not? I'm alive. There's so many people that aren't alive, or have died unfortunately, now I'm alive and that's a gift frankly.'

Hmmm. So what does Baggsy plan to do with this gift of life?

'succeed to the maximum and use some of that success to help others - where appropriate.'

It's a declaration of philanthropy with a get-out clause, only where appropriate. I don't know what that means either. He is perplexing and, as we discover through the course of this weeks task, colossally more arrogant than I ever thought possible.

The Shoogs summons them to Pinewood Studios, you know, that famous furniture store? Anyway for some reason there's a massive blue screen at this furniture store (???) and Shoogs sets them the task of selling the movie experience to the public. This involves setting up a small blue screen in a shopping centre, getting people to fanny around in front of it, water skiing or something, and then selling them the resulting 5 minute DVD to treasure forever- STOP THE BUS SHOOGS! That is the single worst idea I have ever heard. Why, oh why, oh why would anyone pay money for that? A treasured memory? 'Remember that Saturday we went to the Traford centre and I bought them boots and you flirted with the guy in Costa? Remember that? Well now you don't need to cos I've got this DVD of us skiing in the Traford Centre and you can see my boots and our Costa coffee cups in the background.' Completely pointless. Right away I fear this task is doomed for all concerned.

Baggsy and Sandeesh are team leaders and it's clear from the off that it'll either be one or the other who gets fired. Liz and Chris take over Sandeesh's team, while Sandeesh sits looking on with her big eyes and agreeing in all the appropriate places. Nick sums up Baggsy as a project manager very eloquently:

'Stuart's leadership style leaves me trembling with irritation.'

Yeah, you and everyone on the team it seems. And me. He crashes his way through the meeting like an over-wrought business-bull and then he buggers off to Brands Hatch to drive some fast cars. Whoa there Baggsy! Someone needs to reign in your 'extreme masculinity' before you forget what your here for! After his shot in the racing car he decides to do a 180 and market the DVDs to kids instead of adult cos it's just a better idea, yeah? Yeah it is. An idea that sleepy-eyed Jo had in the meeting that you ignored. Eugh!

At the shopping centre Baggsy's team are first out the gate, selling their movie experience to the public and they're actually buying it? People are weird. But Jo's doing well, talking to the kids and giving them medal's and sweets. Meanwhile, Sandeesh's team are still trying to teach Christopher how to work the computer. Finally though, they get started and soon Sandeesh's team drop their prices and Baggsy ups his. Let's see which has made the better move...

So, after Liz does a bit of last-minute cheating, stealing the other team's car idea, the task is over. It's too close to call.

In the boardroom the results are revealed and it's in the Baggs. Sorry. Stuart wins by 40 quid and pulls the smuggest, most vile face I have ever seen. HUGELY punchable. The winning team get a champagne tasting 'laid on' by the Shoogs. Baggsy doesn't like the champagne and rudely says it tastes like paint stripper in front of the host. Then Stella asks if he's ever had champagne to which he replies something along the lines of 'yeah, it's that stuff that you get free when you go into a club.' Gross.

Down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak cafe, well, they're gutted and they all say so over some sad piano music. In the firing line with Sandeesh are Liz and Chris. And blah, blah, blah, you know how it goes, 'Sandeesh, your fired.' It's been a long time coming, she is just a bit nothing. Mesmerising eyes though. Mesmerising....

So Baggsy lives to fight another week. And although he makes my blood boil, trying to be flash, crudely talking about making loadsa money and 'sitting nowhere but the top', he is stellar telly. Baggsy to win! I don't expect whatever he'll be doing for the Shoogs will affect my life very much so let him go all the way to the top, take a seat up there and then take away his ladders.

If only I were an octopus....

I know I said I'd have my Apprentice posts up to date by now but as you can see that has not happened so I will say this briefly about week 4 - jeez Mel, talk about bowing-out graciously; and week 5 - a bit sad that Paloma, aka Grace Jones, was fired (mainly because I won't be able to use that nick-name any more). Anyway I feel I should move on and bring this blog bang up to date and also I have a lot to say about this week because it was bloody brilliant.

The episode begins with Shoogs paying the candidates a visit(I needed a new nickname to replace Grace Jones so I'm going with this one, alright? Yeah). So Shoogs is in the house (see? I think it's working well). With the candidates lined up in various states of dress, groggy and sleepy-eyed, oh wait, that's just Joanna, anyway Shoogs tells them they'll be designing a new brand of household cleaner. This includes the branding, packaging, radio ad. and TV ad. I am beside myself with excitement, please let someone rap!

The teams split off into their generic brainstorming boardrooms in the top ad agency that Shoogs has 'laid on' and choose their leaders. Apollo go with Alex; he'd be perfect for this task because of course if he were and apple pie, 'the apples inside would be orange'.....*tumbleweed*....yeah...

So anyway, Synergy go for ex-military Christopher as their leader and right away the team hash out a killer campaign model for their product: it's all black and white and you're all single and then you get this magic cleaning spray and you're not single and you have parties and passion, yeah! But at their focus group with some mums and toddlers one of the mums briefly mentions something about an octopus and 'Octo-Kleen' is born. Why do these products always have weird spelling? The Cuulliiii, or whatever it was, and now this? Their customers would be able to understand standard spelling, I'm sure.

Meanwhile Laura and Alex are doing some product research in the supermarket when Laura suggests the name 'Blitz', not bad you think but as Alex points out, the Blitz was some big bombing thing years ago in London or some shit like that and anyway the people that were in it are probably all dead. Oh Lord. When the team reconvene, armed with the product research and the info they gleaned from their focus group, they throw it all out the window and go for Chris' 'Germinator' idea. They then get some free time and decide to design a poster for a German indie film- hang on, sorry, it's their product label, a child (apparently) in sunglasses against a red background. And the bottle will be black? 'The Germinator: when an ordinary cleaner just won't shift that bloodstain.' That's one of mine, appealing mainly to the serial killer market.

Back on Synergy and running full pelt with the octopus idea, Christopher begins auditioning for a wife. For the advert I mean, not in real life and he doesn't want his pretend wife to be a minger, but she can be a rubbish actress though. And she is. Awful. Filming begins and I think Nick sums up Christopher's advert up quite well 'sending the daughter off to bed so she can, as an octopus, grope her husband.' Well eight hands are better than two - sorry, I just threw up all over my keyboard. The finished advert is shown to the advertising big-wigs. Horrific, tasteless, sexist, outdated, creepy and crap are just some of the words I jotted down while watching the 'Octo-Kleen' advert. You get the gist.

At least Synergy's effort is kinda, sorta funny-ish, 'Hasta la vista, Gravy', hehehe... Laura wants to pitch it but Alex gives Sandeesh the task and Laura sulks and huffs, it's just BOLLOCKS! Hmph! But regardless of the pitcher, the big-wigs think they've missed their market totally so really both teams make a right pig's ear of this weeks task.

In the boardroom Shoogs isn't happy and although neither team is the winner this week, Apollo win (but not really) and are sent off to claim their 'prize' of a night of Karaoke. Rubbish. Can't believe sleazy Christopher got out of this one.

Down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak Cafe, Alex is being lampooned by torpedoes of silence from his team. Awkward. Back in front of Shoogs Alex praises Sandeesh for her pitching efforts and chastises Laura for her adolescent mood swings. So naturally he brings back Sandeesh(?!) and Chris to the firing squad. Shoogs thinks Laura's getting away scott-free and he's sick of her whining so he sends her to her room along with the rest of the team. The final showdown sees Alex flare up a bit and shout, or whine loudly, that he did everything right but got some stuff a bit wrong and the others should be fired before him and blah blah blah. He comes across like a right plonker and is consequently fired, with regret though, by the Shoogs who comments that 'E's a nice enuff fella.' But Alex doesn't need you Shoogs! He's going to do it on his own! Oh jings.

oh yeah and Laura's still in a mood at the house, 'I can tell none of you wanted me to come back, Wha! Wha! Wha!' Yawn. Still, brilliant week though. Next week 'selling the big screen experience to the general public', not sure what this means but I look forward to finding out. Maybe someone will do a rap.

It's a Mind-Melter.

It's week 3 (well it was few weeks ago, I'm catching up). This week's task was, as Lord Sugar put it, 'turning flour into serious dough.' Oh my sides.

After last weeks ridiculous boardroom rammie the teams were diluted further with peroxide Mel being one of the girls sent over to the boys' team. Of course because Mel has her own food distribution company she would be the perfect leader of her new team. Yeah, you'd think but then there she goes again, using her special made-up business speak; the team should think about 'best sellery things'???? Yes, definitely tastilicious cakey-cakes.

Meanwhile back on Apollo Shibby and Jamie fight it out for the role of project manager. Outvoted, Jamie takes his defeat in the manner of Kevin the teenager, tutting and sighing and rolling his eyes. Ah, life's not fair, is it Jamie?

And so the task begins. Mel and Synergy name their ephemeral bakery 'Le Pain Artisan.' Ooh la la? They head off to secure an order from the hotel chain and I am rolling around my floor in pain. How much is it for one roll, Mel? One Roll?! 60p? Is it? What? So off they go to figure it out on their calculator. they'll only be 5 minutes... 15 minutes later she's finally figured it out. The hotel chap does not look impressed.

Now it's Shibby and Apollo's turn. How much for one roll? 6p. Done. Shibby is chuffed. Well done Shibby's Angels. And they got an order for some croissants, good job! But oh dear, we're not making croissants. SIGH.

Next stop for Synergy and their calculator is a restaurant chain - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! But it's OK, Alex saves the day; he's got an inbuilt calculator.

Paloma bowls into Apollo's meeting with big big numbers. We're making 50,000 muffins and 28 million rolls, well not really, but you get the idea. Shibby at this point manages to stop the Paloma express in her path, unfortunately it was in the middle of a meeting in front of clients. He does make a good point though, 'we're not Supermen.'

By the way, sleepy-eyed Joanna's a bit quiet this week, eh?

Anyway, in Synergy's kitchen, ex-marine Chris runs a tight ship and the well oiled production line churns out Mel's 'best sellery things.' But poor Apollo's kitchen has fallen apart and now at 4 in the morning they're apparently off to get battered, delivering18 bread rolls to the hotel who ordered a thousand. Shibby's advice to the owner? Suggest the guests go on the Atkin's diet. He's not impressed. Shibby bungs him 130 quid.

Meanwhile, Alex got an A* in his GCSE maths, you know. INBUILT CALCULATOR, MELISSA.

Both teams hit the streets and sell and argue about selling and sell some more and then it's over. Thank Christ.

In the boardroom Mel's team take the win in spite of their cringe-tastic leader. Lucky escape I think, she'll not last long [I wrote this right after this episode was first shown. I know, I'm psychic]. So off the winners and Mel pop to an eastern restaurant to be entertained by Arabian dancers. YAWN.

Down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak Cafe Shibby's team hang their heads going over their defence. What's Shibby's defence in front of Lord Sugar? 'My bad! I haven't done this before! I promise I'll learn from it!' CRINGE.

If Shibby's going down, he's taking Paloma and Sandeesh into the boardroom with him. Sandeesh's defence is that she will propel Lord sugar into world domination. Or something. Sugar points out that Hitler had a problem with that. good point. It's practically the same thing. Paloma is safe I think mainly because she's beautiful and terrifying, double intimidation. The Grace Jones of the business world. Poor Shibby's fired but it's okay, he's going to learn from it.

My brain is dribbling out of my ears.

The Apprentice so far...

I'm not a business person. I don't know what it takes to get ahead in business nor do I understand business speak but the Apprentice is, as always, teaching me a lot about this foreign world.

To get ahead in business you need to talk the talk, yeah? So when the candidates are introduced as 'Britain's brightest business prospects' I wait eagerly to hear what these candidates, who will presumably be running the biggest businesses in the world one day, have to say for themselves. Instantly they tell us they're 'intelligent', 'charismatic', 'ruthless', 'adaptable', 'agile', wow. They sound like a cross between Stephen Fry and a gazelle so far. Stuart Baggs stands out from the off because apparently everything he touches 'turns to sold'. Yeah, as opposed to gold, see what he did there? Brilliant. And believe me there are plenty more clever word-plays and all round rip-roaring quotes to come.

Sir Allen is now Lord Sugar for all his contributions to the business world (does anyone have or know of anyone else that has an Amstrad product? What do they do?). His opening gambit is 'on paper you all look very good but then again, so does fish and chips.' I'm not sure exactly what this means, fish and chips shouldn't be running businesses? They might be as much use as fish and chips? Which are actually quite useful if you're hungry. So the first task is sausages, and they're off!

The boys decide to call themselves Synergy, a rubbish name, and with their leader chosen, aggressive Dan, they all beat their chests and head out to club some pigs for their sausages. Not really but you get the uber-masculine behaviour, no need for it. Meanwhile the ladies pick Apollo, a marginally better name, with sleepy-eyed Joanna as their team leader. Plumping for the gourmet sausages up against the boys' rusk filled, 2% meat, bargain basement sausages, it's clear from the beginning that the girls have this one in the bag. And they do and aggressive Dan gets fired and all is right with the world.

I have to say I was genuinely surprised by how the aggression spread through the boys' team in the first week so the logical course of action was to give them a lovely calm lady, Stella, to PM while Little Laura steps up for the girls. This week the teams have to design and produce a new beach accessory. And then comes the brainstorming.

What about a a sort of stand for your book?
How about a long hand to put suncream on your back, 'can you imagine?'
Ooh, I've got it, maybe a book stand?
How about a foot-glove to protect your feet from the heat of the sand? Like a sock? Yeah, just a sock then.
Please Miss! I've got an idea! A book stand Miss!
What about a towel that you can use to store your water and baby food?
Book stand?

All fantastic ideas. For the boys Jamie's towel with a cooling compartment wins out. Unfortunately for sleepy-eyed Joanna, Laura's not keen on the book stand-for-the-beach idea the girls decide to go with.... Joanna's book stand-for-the-beach idea. Confused? Me too. Little Laura doesn't seem to be coping very well with all these women and seems to give into the idea because she has a headache. To be fair this is just what I would do. They are so loud and they just keep talking; it's somehow turning into an episode of Loose Women but then I'm not in business and Little Laura is. She seems a bit young for all this really.

Meanwhile the boys and lady Stella name their product the Cuuli (?) and charmingly convince lady Stella to 'take one for the team' and pose in a beach-ware for the packaging. Which brings me to my favourite scene of the week, Chris, Christopher and Alex gormlessly shopping for an outfit for lady Stella. They're looking for a bikini top in red with tassels coming down and I'm picturing a glamorous, all be it quite slutty, Las Vegas showgirl-type outfit. So they go for a pretty vile vest top and equally bad denim shorts. Sexy.

Anyway, in spite of the outfit, the boys and Lady Stella romp to victory in the boardroom but only because their idea was slightly, and I do mean only very slightly, less crap than the ladies and they got some orders as opposed to ZERO. Boots might have taken on the ladies' Bookeaze (not bad, eh?) if Little Laura wasn't such a muppet and took them up on exclusivity.
'What's wrong with you?!' I yell at the telly as she tells one of the biggest high street retailers that it's too early to discuss exclusivity. 'No! You idiot! Get back to your pals at school and tell them all how wicked the Apprentice was and how you well would with Chris cos he's so fit how that Joanna's a right bitch and you're going to get your cousins on her for messing with you!'

The caterwauling continues in the boardroom and a 'shameful' (please bring Raleigh back next series) scene ensues. But Laura doesn't go. Joy does. She was pretty forgettable, mainly because she seemed quite pleasant in a normal, non-businessy type way. But I think the normals should stay longer than they inevitably do on the Apprentice, just for that, some normality. Well, maybe they are a bit boring next to characters like Stuart 'Baggsy' Baggs 'The Brand.' I have genuinely never seen people like this in real life and if there is one thing I love about the Apprentice it's that it brings these people out of my peripheries and into my direct line of vision and I still can't quite believe what I'm looking at.

So my synopsises of episode 1 and 2 are finally done. Been a bit slow on the uptake but I will be back with more on episodes 3, 4 and 5 before episode 6 is aired, promise!