I'm not a business person. I don't know what it takes to get ahead in business nor do I understand business speak but the Apprentice is, as always, teaching me a lot about this foreign world.
To get ahead in business you need to talk the talk, yeah? So when the candidates are introduced as 'Britain's brightest business prospects' I wait eagerly to hear what these candidates, who will presumably be running the biggest businesses in the world one day, have to say for themselves. Instantly they tell us they're 'intelligent', 'charismatic', 'ruthless', 'adaptable', 'agile', wow. They sound like a cross between Stephen Fry and a gazelle so far. Stuart Baggs stands out from the off because apparently everything he touches 'turns to sold'. Yeah, as opposed to gold, see what he did there? Brilliant. And believe me there are plenty more clever word-plays and all round rip-roaring quotes to come.
Sir Allen is now Lord Sugar for all his contributions to the business world (does anyone have or know of anyone else that has an Amstrad product? What do they do?). His opening gambit is 'on paper you all look very good but then again, so does fish and chips.' I'm not sure exactly what this means, fish and chips shouldn't be running businesses? They might be as much use as fish and chips? Which are actually quite useful if you're hungry. So the first task is sausages, and they're off!
The boys decide to call themselves Synergy, a rubbish name, and with their leader chosen, aggressive Dan, they all beat their chests and head out to club some pigs for their sausages. Not really but you get the uber-masculine behaviour, no need for it. Meanwhile the ladies pick Apollo, a marginally better name, with sleepy-eyed Joanna as their team leader. Plumping for the gourmet sausages up against the boys' rusk filled, 2% meat, bargain basement sausages, it's clear from the beginning that the girls have this one in the bag. And they do and aggressive Dan gets fired and all is right with the world.
I have to say I was genuinely surprised by how the aggression spread through the boys' team in the first week so the logical course of action was to give them a lovely calm lady, Stella, to PM while Little Laura steps up for the girls. This week the teams have to design and produce a new beach accessory. And then comes the brainstorming.
What about a a sort of stand for your book?
How about a long hand to put suncream on your back, 'can you imagine?'
Ooh, I've got it, maybe a book stand?
How about a foot-glove to protect your feet from the heat of the sand? Like a sock? Yeah, just a sock then.
Please Miss! I've got an idea! A book stand Miss!
What about a towel that you can use to store your water and baby food?
Book stand?
All fantastic ideas. For the boys Jamie's towel with a cooling compartment wins out. Unfortunately for sleepy-eyed Joanna, Laura's not keen on the book stand-for-the-beach idea the girls decide to go with.... Joanna's book stand-for-the-beach idea. Confused? Me too. Little Laura doesn't seem to be coping very well with all these women and seems to give into the idea because she has a headache. To be fair this is just what I would do. They are so loud and they just keep talking; it's somehow turning into an episode of Loose Women but then I'm not in business and Little Laura is. She seems a bit young for all this really.
Meanwhile the boys and lady Stella name their product the Cuuli (?) and charmingly convince lady Stella to 'take one for the team' and pose in a beach-ware for the packaging. Which brings me to my favourite scene of the week, Chris, Christopher and Alex gormlessly shopping for an outfit for lady Stella. They're looking for a bikini top in red with tassels coming down and I'm picturing a glamorous, all be it quite slutty, Las Vegas showgirl-type outfit. So they go for a pretty vile vest top and equally bad denim shorts. Sexy.
Anyway, in spite of the outfit, the boys and Lady Stella romp to victory in the boardroom but only because their idea was slightly, and I do mean only very slightly, less crap than the ladies and they got some orders as opposed to ZERO. Boots might have taken on the ladies' Bookeaze (not bad, eh?) if Little Laura wasn't such a muppet and took them up on exclusivity.
'What's wrong with you?!' I yell at the telly as she tells one of the biggest high street retailers that it's too early to discuss exclusivity. 'No! You idiot! Get back to your pals at school and tell them all how wicked the Apprentice was and how you well would with Chris cos he's so fit how that Joanna's a right bitch and you're going to get your cousins on her for messing with you!'
The caterwauling continues in the boardroom and a 'shameful' (please bring Raleigh back next series) scene ensues. But Laura doesn't go. Joy does. She was pretty forgettable, mainly because she seemed quite pleasant in a normal, non-businessy type way. But I think the normals should stay longer than they inevitably do on the Apprentice, just for that, some normality. Well, maybe they are a bit boring next to characters like Stuart 'Baggsy' Baggs 'The Brand.' I have genuinely never seen people like this in real life and if there is one thing I love about the Apprentice it's that it brings these people out of my peripheries and into my direct line of vision and I still can't quite believe what I'm looking at.
So my synopsises of episode 1 and 2 are finally done. Been a bit slow on the uptake but I will be back with more on episodes 3, 4 and 5 before episode 6 is aired, promise!
