Reflections on Stella

I couldn't end my Apprentice blogging for this series without a congrats for our winner, Stella. Bookies favourite from the off, I've been back and forth on the ice-cool Lady Stella. Week two was definitely the week she showed us all what kind of candidate she was, whipping the aggressive boys team into shape. She made them clear up the mess they made of the china shop the week before when they corralled into it, horns blazing, and made it clear she'd stand for no more of their nonsense. Although their idea for a beach product was also rubbish, her calming influence led her team to victory.

In the weeks that followed, Stella's efforts were somewhat overshadowed by the large number of massive morons doing and saying stupid things; Alex and his apple-pie made of oranges, Melissa and her made-up business speak, Laura throwing strops and declaring everything to be SHIIIT. Throughout, Stella managed to stealthily avoid the boardroom so far.

She returned in week eight to project manage the crisp task, leading her team once again to victory. However the next week was not so rosie for her as her team failed to negotiate as well as the boys and lost the task. Her team then turned on her calling her too 'corporate' for Shoogs but she held her own and winging Laura was finally booted out. After a spat with Liz in the cab on the way back to the house, in which Liz implied Stella should have gone over Laura, Stella's steely determination stepped up a gear.

Week ten saw Stella take on the role as tour guide to prove to Shoogs and the rest of them, that she could be silly and let her hair down. This didn't go as planned, however and she managed to patronise a cockney, failed dismally to whip up a sing-song with her lack-luster version of 'Knees-Up, Mother Brown' and led her tour group down a dodgy alley to look at some graffiti. I thought it might be all over for Stella then but in a boardroom travesty, record-breaking Liz was fired over Baggs and his ponies. It was a lucky escape for Stella.

Lady Stella redeemed herself and then some at the interviews in week eleven by taking on the interviewer's difficult questions with a cool head, giving considered and concise answers. Up in my estimations she once again rose and I wasn't the only one who was impressed, Shoogs was too, taking her and Chris through to the final.

Early on in the final week there was no question as to who would be crowned Shoogs' apprentice. Stella led her team well, her drink idea was better and the bottle far less ridiculous.

Stella came from a council estate and with no qualifications and built a successful career in a Japanese bank who found her so indispensable they created a position for her. She works hard and is, and this is key, SENSIBLE. She's not a ridiculous character like Baggs or Alex; she's not as charismatic as Jamie; she doesn't rely on hypno-eyes like Chris; she was just better all round than all of them and was SENSIBLE throughout. Like I said at the beginning, I know nothing of the alien world that is business, but I do know that every company could surely use a Stella.

Well, that's the ponies back in the stables until next year, fellow Apprentice buffs. Follow that!

The Baggs Saga: The Conclusion

It's that time again and I've got the post-Apprentice blues. One by one the candidates have drifted from my telly back into the business abyss and I won't see their ilk for another year. I am bereft. I'll be the one hanging outside telecoms companies asking employees if they own a pony, or indeed a whole field of them.

The final was a good 'un but without Herr Baggs it was a wee bitty dull so since I was indisposed last week, I'm going to take this opportunity to discuss the Baggsy's final week. Of course it had to be the interviews that finally finished him off, he doesn't seem the type to interview well, does he? The spoilers from the week before seemed to suggest so ('You're not a Brand.' 'I think I might be.' Classic). The interviewers are three of Shoogs' most trusted colleagues; two miscellaneous business chaps and THE Margaret Mountford ('her hair is like a cloud'). Baggsy makes the mistake of greeting Margaret like an old friend, EH-EH (that is the sound from Family Fortunes when they get a question wrong, but you knew that, anyway...)! He explains that he feels as though he knows her, cos she's off the telly but with one raised eyebrow she brings the Baggs down. Her deranged professor stare is enough to stop anyone in their tracks and Baggs is buckling.

Miscellaneous business chap number one, thuggish in looks, posh in voice and French in name, Claude, takes on Baggs for round two. Right away he receives an icy reception as Baggs goes in for a hand shake, a gesture which is firmly ignored. BURN! Then he's told he's just a kid, he's no 'Brand'. BUURN! And finally after declaring himself to be a big fish in a small pond he is told, 'You're not a big fish. You're not even a fish.' BUUURRN! Oh dear, these guys have taken an instant disliking to Baggs and unfortunately for him, but very fortunately for us, it is about to get much worse.

Why do they lie on they're CVs? There's always one chancer and this series it's Baggs, of course! Miscellaneous business chap number two picks apart his CV. I'm not sure of the ins and outs of it all but basically he says he holds a full licence for his telecoms company when in fact he only holds part of a licence, or something. Prefacing his defence by saying he doesn't want to sound like he's trying to weasel out of it, he inevitably starts squeaking like a cornered weasel. But is a fully fledged telecoms company, in his mind! Right, I see. To be fair, I do think Baggs really believes this. In his MIND he is a brand; in his MIND he has a fully fledged telecoms company; in his MIND everything he touches turns to sold; in his MIND are literally fields of grazing ponies, just waiting to carry forth his brilliant ideas, like a chip to put in your pet to trace it if you lose it. What a truly originally genius idea. The crux is really this, Baggs lives in Baggs land and sees everything through Baggs tinted lenses. Oh to be inside that head and see what he sees, I bet we'd all be saying das ist wunderbar! Far more wunderbar than John Malkovich's head, take note Charlie Kaufman.

Shoogs is less understanding of Baggs' delusions of grandeur, however, and reveals how angry he is at himself that he let Liz go the week before. And a whole nation cried out, 'Thank you!' as one and lo, the Baggs was fired. Here endeth the truly bizarre tale of Stuart Baggs, or does it? I literally have no clue what he could do now. Perhaps one day, I'll run into him, a vagrant roaming the City, stopping passers-by and pitching his ideas; 'It's a towel and a cooler at the same time! Please, sir, I've seen the future and it's name is Cuuulliii!!!'

Watch out! There's a whole field of ponies running right at you!

Silly hats = great task. Fact. This week the candidates meet Shoogs at a Wandsworth bus depot and are told their task will be to set up and run a London tour company with tours on both bus and foot. I can sense the cringes creeping in already.

Stuart heads up Stella and Liz in Synergy. In the brainstorming Stella is passionate about an East End, cor blimey gov'ner, jellied eels, up the apples and pears, would you Adam and Eve it, Cockney theme. Well maybe it's because she's a Londoner, why Stella loves London so (sorry). Jo, meanwhile, takes charge of Jamie and Chris who go for a ghosties, ghoulies, blood, guts and Sweeney Todd theme. Jamie does his best Igor impression to pitch it to his team and it's a winning pitch.

And they're off! Liz finds a jellied eel man for her tour and tells him to cockney it up a bit for the punters. Oh dear, he does not look impressed. On the other team Jo is driving poor Jamie completely round the twist, nagging at him like an overbearing mother. Finally he snaps, apparently she's been 'rubbing him all day' (ooh la la). So with the walking and bus routes chosen it's time drum up some business. Each team is given the opportunity to pitch to the London Tourist Centre to become their tour of the day. Baggsy's team price themselves out of the game at £35 for an adult ticket but Jo's team fair better with Chris offering a massive 20% of ALL THEIR PROFITS. Of course they're going to take that deal but has Chris just shot himself in the foot?

Jim-Jam-Jamie is doing a pretty good job tour guiding, although his shtick is properly stomach churning and full of gore. Of course, if you pay for a ghosties and ghoulies tour, you're defo getting your money's worth. As the day continues, Jamie just gets better and better with his ludicrous facts. Here are just a few facts a la Jamie about some famous London landmarks:
The Thames - 'the second biggest river in London.'
Big Ben - 'the face of the clock is 20 diameters in width.'
The Gherkin - 'It's called the Gherkin because it looks like a gherkin,'
Wow Jamie, you are wrecking my head.

Baggsy takes it to the next level this week, hovering around Jo's team's pitch, trying to nick their customers. He's unsuccessful of course because no-one likes to be harassed, therefore no-one likes to be doubly harassed, therefore nobody likes to be harassed Baggsy style. Chris steps in to try to reason with Baggs ('just fuck off, mate') and Baggs is all in his face, 'Go on then, hit me.' Do it Chris, do it! FIGHT! Unfortunately Baggsy walks away unscathed, even though he's been asking for it all series.

Stella is the tour guide for Baggsy's team because it's a chance for her to show Shoogs her silly, fun side. However, it turns out she's about as silly and fun as a soggy jam sandwich and she has no idea what she's talking about: she announces landmarks they've driven past 100 yards ago, she can't find the jellied eel stand on the walking tour, she takes the tourists down a back street to look at some graffiti and then asks them if they think it's a Banksy and she dismally fails to get a sing-song going to 'Knees-up Mother Brown'. Oh lord. Jamie's bus, on the other hand, are having a rare old time singing 'London's Burning'. He may be the farthest from an authority on London you could get but he has charisma and the folks like his patter. Bad luck Stella.

So the task is over and although Jo's team appear to have done better, will their 20% commission bury them? It's time to find out as we enter the Boardroom. Of course it hasn't buried them! They win, in no small part thanks to Jamie who carried the whole task on his ludicrous shoulders. They're prize is a trip to....Jersey. Well, it's a step down from ACTUAL Paris but it'll do I suppose. Meanwhile down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak Cafe, Baggs believes they must all collectively take the blame but let's see if he throws anyone under the tour bus when they're in front of the firing squad.

Shoogs gives all three of them a chance to defend themselves and convince him that they should be in his final five. It's Baggsy's turn first, cue the most ludicrous tirade of nonsense you have ever heard leave a man's mouth. Not only does he make outlandish claims that he will make gazillions of pounds for a new, as yet unconceived, business he'll set up with Shoogs, he also says this:

'I'm not a one trick pony, I'm not a ten trick pony, I've got a field of ponies waiting to literally run towards this.'

I know, I have no words either. He then tells Shoogs about his prosperous yo-yo empire and how he did it all himself. I feel bad for Liz and Stella, in a how-can-they-possibly-follow-that? kind of way, not that it was good, just that it was ridiculous and they'll probably be trying to recover from it, process the ponies. Liz and Stella defend themselves but I can't for the life of me remember how, it's the shock. I hope I'm reading this wrong but is Shoogs IMPRESSED with Baggs? Well, 'as nutty as it sounds' Liz, you're fired. WHAT?! A nonsense and a travesty, however it does mean that Baggs will be about for the interviews next week which sees the welcome return of Margaret Mountford, hurray! Let's hope she annihilates Baggs the Brand, maybe she'll be the one to punch him.

Things Are Grim All Over

Another instalment of Jimmy McGovern's 'Accused' aired on Monday and although it was brilliantly acted, like the rest of the series, jeezo was it grim.

Andy Serkis took the lead role in 'Liam's Story', a miserable tale of a taxi driving gambling addict, struggling to cope with his wife's worsening MS, who becomes obsessed with a young woman, Emma, who he meets when he drives her to the airport. Safe in the knowledge she's out of the country, he breaks into her house with the intention of robbing her to find a present for his daughter. However, it turns out he's a massive creep, creeping about her house, looking through her personal possessions and listening to her music. He ends up taking her laptop and USB stick and pours over her pictures and letters she's written to her boyfriend.

Being a taxi driver he earns her trust, giving her his number for any future cab rides; between this and 'Sherlock' I'm getting a bit warie of these cabbies. Of course there is the obstacle of the boyfriend, Neil (the lovely Tom Ellis from 'Miranda') but dropping a picture of him, his wife and baby through her door affords him the swift heave-ho. Lacing in tit-bits of information he's gleaned from his creepy stalking, Liam manipulates Emma into sleeping with him and then into letting him move in with her.

But who has Liam killed? It's clear he's murdered someone to end up in the dock. We're led to believe it may be his wife after a shot of him smothering her but this is merely a fantasy sequence as he then tells his wife and daughter he's shacking up with another woman. Liam's having a bad time of it, what with breaking this news to his family and it only gets worse as Emma's ex-boyfriend tracks him down, threatening to tell Emma that he too is married. Liam panics, running him over to keep him quiet and it works but he's dead and his wife saw and basically he's a big mental wreck.

The judge seems a bit lenient on Liam, sympathising with him due to the strain of looking after an MS sufferer for all those years. Yeah, poor old gambling, robbing, stalking, murdering Liam.

There was nothing light about this episode which is why my writing about it may seem flippant at times. Andy Serkis et al acted their socks off and I'm glad I watched it but I can't say I enjoyed it. It was thoroughly depressing from start to finish and the sense of doom as everything slowly unravelled felt very oppressive. A whole series with that same vibe all the way through is too much to take. Any chance of a tiny chuckle in there somewhere Jimmy? After all, life can have it's light moments even in its darkest periods.

Mad Men: Season Finale

Season four of Mad Men ended last week, surprisingly on a happy note. It's been a turbulent season for all concerned, including me. Unusually, it's been an edge-of-the-seat kind of series, will S/C/D/P go under? In reaction to Lucky Strike's departure, Don takes out a full-page ad in the Times in the form of a letter damning the advertising of cigarettes, thus destroying any chance the firm has of obtaining any future tobacco accounts. A risky move that affords them a meeting with the Cancer Association. 'Did you get cancer?' Roger quips on Don and Pete's return.

Elsewhere, the Francis residence is being relocated and Glen pops over to say goodbye to Sally. These two young actors have been brilliant this series playing out complex emotions with excellent maturity. Unfortunately, their goodbye is interrupted by Betty's return. Of course she flips out and yells at him to get out to which he retorts, 'Just because you're sad, doesn't mean everybody else has to be.' Betty seems to think that Glen is only friends with Sally to get to her and poor Sally seems to have given up on standing up to her mother: either she knows it's useless or she's biding her time and will explode spectacularly in a future series. I'm hoping for the latter. Betty's childish temper tantrum continues when she fires Carla, who has been the children's Nanny all their lives, for allowing Glen into her house. In true spoiled-brat style, Betty doesn't allow Carla to say goodbye to the children.

Don is taking the children to California and has to find some help after Carla's untimely dismissal so he enlists the help of his secretary, Megan. She's been an intriguing character ever since she tuned up in one of Dr. Miller's focus groups early on in the series. Since then she's replaced the formidable Miss Blankenship as Don's secretary and slept with Don but she was professional and savvy enough not to let it affect her work and didn't show her feelings, if she had any, for Don. In California Don discovers Anna has left him the engagement ring that the real Don Draper gave to her and Don seems to take it as some kind of sign, using it to propose to Megan.

In sunny California Don sees how she Megan is with his children and becomes beguiled by her. She is pretty amazing, beautiful, bright, artistic and she speaks French, hell, she's my dream woman. The question 'who is Don Draper?' comes up again, to which Megan replies, 'I know who you are now.' Maybe she really wouldn't care about his dark secret, he certainly forgets himself and announces their up-coming nuptials to the whole office on their return. Unlike what he had with Fay Miller, this relationship won't be secret. Fay doesn't react well to the news, understandably ('I hope she knows you only like the beginning of things.') and of course she does know his secret. Will she keep it? Probably, but maybe it's too early to tell.

Peggy and Joan play out a great little scene, reacting to Megan and Don's engagement. They've seen it all before, as Joan says, 'they're all just between marriages.' Joan's been given a promotion with no pay rise and Peggy, along with Ken, has landed the first new account since Lucky Strikes departure, which is overshadowed by Don's good news, so both are prickly about the announcement. In more Joan news we discover that she did not have the abortion and is having the baby, passing it off as Greg's. How will Roger take that?

One of the final scenes sees Betty bumping into Don accidentally/on purpose at their old family home. It's clear she has designs on Don, checking her make-up before he arrives. Then Don drops the bombshell. She seems to take it maturely, wishing them both well. Of course she'll probably take out her jealousy on Henry or the children later.

The episode ends with Don alone in his apartment to the strains of 'I Got You Babe.' For such a negative, tense series, the ending is upbeat and optimistic. Although I now have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach caused by the Mad Men shaped hole in my life. Come back soon fellas.

Porky-Pies, Wins the Prize

I love this weeks task. It's all about buying and negotiation according to Shoogs. They're given a list of 10 obscure items to source and then haggle down to the best price they can get. It's battle of the sexes again with Jim-Jam-Jamie heading up the boys team while Liz is PM for the girls. Obviously I'm rooting for my sisters, 'mone the girls! They've got Liz AND Stella, what could possibly go wrong?

My girls get off to a flying start, all sourcing and organising meetings and whatnot. The boys on the other hand all run off, arms flailing, in different directions. Who's getting what? Where from? Who knows?! Stupid boys.

It's a cryptic list, what are these mystery items? A Tikka? A Bluebook? How on earth to find out? I mean, what would you do? Yeah, exactly, GOOGLE IT! From what I saw on Twitter, I was not the only one screaming this at the telly. Maybe Shoogs had banned it, so instead of using their logic like the girls the boys panic like a maths dud in a non-calculator exam. Wouldn't it be great if the the items were joke items; Baggsy would be sent for a long stand, Chris would be sent for some tartan paint etc. (sketch and/or impressions shows, you are welcome to use this idea).

Hmmm, but what's this? Jim-Jam-Jamie is quite a good negotiator, could the girls be in trouble? Could be, but hey, they got a whole pound off that sewing machine! Still, I remain convinced the girls have this one in the bag.

The star of the show this week, hands down, is pretty-boy Chris and his sweet little lies. When they finally discover what a Bluebook is (it's to do with the knowledge, you know) Chris explains that he needs the book for his brother who's taking his exam and he borrowed them and left them somewhere or something(?). Later we discover he needs some tartan for his nan because he's going to a wedding in Scotland and it's her birthday(?). Basically he hypnotises them with his beautiful eyes to get them down to the price he wants.

It's getting near the end of the task and everyone's panicking because this week they've got to get back to the boardroom by a certain time, a la America's Next Top Model. The girls are ticking their items off the list, one by one. Stella and Laura head to Knightsbridge for their truffles, after Stella fails to get her old mucka, Gordon Ramsay on the phone. Instead they go to a super posh restaurant and pay 200 quid for their truffles and leave. I'm none the wiser, I know nothing about truffles. The boys on the other hand are struggling to source their final few items. Poor Jim-Jam-Jamie's being haunted by a worktop. Oh dear.

As they all race to the finish line very slowly in their London cabs, things get very tense. 'Come on big man up there!' Stella implores. Does she mean God? Or Shoogs? Or maybe Big Ben, because he could hold back the time because he's a big clock? They all make it back, the girls a little late, but who cares? They've won this, easy.

Karen and Nick reveal the results. The boys have incurred £500 worth of penalties for items they've missed. Better luck next time lads- wait, what? The boys have won? But how? Turns out the girls negotiating was horrendous. Baggsy shrewdly observes the ridiculousness of the situation, 'How good are we? Even when we're shit we still win.' Quote of the series so far. So Herr Baggs becomes Monsieur Baggs when the winning team are sent to ACTUAL PARIS! A real bonefide treat, that is actually good?! This has indeed been a bizarre week.

Meanwhile, down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak Cafe, the girls are clearly feeling a little sheepish after their embarrassing loss and Stella points out the obvious, they just didn't negotiate hard enough. So disappointed. However, this does mean Laura will be in losing team, a chance for her to finally get booted off? We shall see... Liz saves Jo and takes Laura (yas!) and Stella into the boardroom because of the truffle debacle. Stella and Liz are both pretty brilliant. They're articulate and shrewd ('I hold my hands up' and 'I take that on board' aside), Laura has nae chance. She's FIRED! Ding! Dong! The whinger's gone! Thank CHRIST for that! Although I was very much on the girls' side this week, it all worked out for the best in the end and the most mind bogglingly irritating huffer the Apprentice ever did see is sent on her way. Cho! *Gets out Maracas and does a little dance*

On the way back to the house, it appears that Liz has taken some of the things Stella said a little too personally. 'It's a shame Laura went. She'll be missed.' Really? Have you seen Laura? Clearly this is meant as a dig at Stella who is too 'corporate' for Shoogs corporation(?). We shall see how this feud plays out next week when the teams will be Tour Guides. From the previews this looks more excruciating than any of the other tasks and they get to wear stupid uniforms and Baggsy and Chris nearly get into a fight. Brilliant!

A Fair Cop?

The documentary series 'Coppers' provided an interesting insight behind the scenes of the police force, from patrolling the traffic to attempting to keep order on the streets of a hairy Saturday night. The last episode focused on the topical subject of protest crowd control. After the much criticised conduct during the recent student fees protests, it's difficult to watch the program with fresh eyes and to see how the police will come across in a favourable light.

This episode follows the Greater Manchester Police Tactical Aid Unit- or the Riot Squad, to you and me- and their handling of a protest by the EDL (English Defense League) and a counter protest by the UAF (Unite Against Fascism). It's clear from the off what the police attitude to the UAF will be; they're the kind of people that go to Glastonbury. One of the protesters points out he's never been to Glastonbury and prefers a bit of jazz. Another policeman insists that the EDL should have the right to protest and the UAF should recognise this. Surely though this means that the UAF also have a right to counter protest? Yes, that is what it means. Not going well for the police so far.

The majority of the crowd control seems to be bizarrely aimed at the UAF when the EDL in their manner and their language show real aggression. There's a particularly interesting exchange between an officer and a UAF protester, debating lawful violence and justifiable force.

On the day of the protests we are told there were 52 UAF arrests and only 18 EDL. In the end only 6 were prosecuted and questions were raised about police conduct that day.

It comes down to a question of interpretation. With views voiced from all sides: the police, the UAF and the EDL, of course they all defend their own actions. With all these conflicting versions of events and an unclear picture of what happened on the day, history will always be unclear on exactly what happened and whether police actions were justifiable. However, when situations arise like the kettling of students at last weeks protests for several hours in dropping temperatures and mounted police charging the crowd, the majority of which were harmless protesters, an overall calculation of police conduct will inevitably be carried out. In this case, the police haven't done themselves any favours and the issue of crowd control is always going to be a thorny a much debated topic in future protests. This can only be a good thing, hopefully ensuring so-called justifiable force is kept to a minimum.

This final episode shouldn't mar police work in other areas such as emergency response and traffic patrol, which, as has been shown through out this fascinating series, is clearly tough and fraught with risks to the officers' personal safety. It's a serious job but, like any, it's not without comedy as the officers from police custody describe items found up an offender's 'Chatham Pocket' (use your imagination), the best haul being 2 mobile phones and 2 chargers. Try not to dwell on that thought...

Writing Heaven: Peep Show Returns.

YAAASSS! Peep Show is back! Rarely is there an episode that is a miss so my expectations are always high. The series opener, the birth of Mark and Sophie's son, does not disappoint. The hospital provides a fantastically inappropriate setting for Jez to once again meet the girl of his dreams. This one's boyfriend is in a coma but obviously that doesn't stop Jez, it's just an obstacle to be overcome; 'terribrill'. Meanwhile, the boiler's exploded and Sophie's in labour. Mark is not coping so he pops out for a bucket of chicken and a shot on the arcades; 'Is this the worst thing I've ever done?'

The shows format is a big reason it's so good. Getting inside the characters' heads and following their trains of thought affords a knowledge of Mark and Jez that the other characters seemingly don't get i.e. that they're quite selfish people when it comes down to it. They're strangely likable characters though and David Mitchell and Robert Webb are consistently brilliant in their roles. The thing that drives the show is of course the writing. The writing is so so brilliant that I'm struggling to express how fantastic this episode is without just retyping the script. Peep Show writers Jesse Armstrong and Sam Bain have tackled the amazing feat of keeping the show fresh after 6 series. Here are a few of my favourite lines in this episode:

Mark: 'The cervical sweep.' Jez: 'Chim-chim-cheree.'
Jez: 'I adore to read.'
Mark: 'OK, a birthing pool,don't believe in it but I have to sell it. I'm Claire Short backing Iraq; Trinny and Susannah endorsing Nescafe.'
Mark to a snippy nurse: 'You might be ripe for a trim in the cuts.'
Jez: 'I've kind of always wanted to see a birth; it'd be kind of like Alien but sexy. Sexy Alien.'
Mark about Jez: 'Of course, brings the insufferable music then goes. He's like the 1980s.'
Super Hans: 'Plumbing's just fucking Lego innit. Water Lego.'
Mark when asked if he'd like to cut the cord: 'No. Do you want to do some credit rating or work in a Mexican restaurant? Let's stick to our jobs.'
Mark on the two fantastic things that have happened to him that day: 'My son! Minimal water damage!'

Mark's right, the birth of his son is a 'biggie' so where will he go from here? What kind of dad will he be? What about Uncle Jez? I can't wait to see where the writers will take the characters this series.

If you haven't seen it yet just WATCH IT because my writing about it, no matter how embarrassingly gushing it is, will not do it justice. Go. NOW!

Das ist SHIIIT!!!

So Baggsy lives to fight and irritate another week but he doesn't do much of either this week. What's happening here? Is he charming in Germany? Weird.

Yes, the candidates are told to pack their bags for a foreign business trip. Baggsy reckons it'll be somewhere tough like a war-zone or somewhere hot. Christopher hopes it's not Germany, he hates the Germans, so Germany it is then. They're off to flog some crisps to the Germans. PMs Stella and Chris stay behind with Laura and Liz to sort out the flavours while Baggsy and sleepy-eyed Jo and Jamie and Christopher fly away to Hamburg to sort out some meetings with potential clients. Of course they have to do some market research first, you know, ask a man what crisps he likes and eat some sausages. Job done. So what flavours are concluded from this thorugh research? Yup, you guessed it, curry-pie. Mmmmm, I loves me a curry-pie and to have it in a handy crisp snack? My mind is blown. However the rest of the team aren't so keen. Morons.

Baggs is turning it around this week, shmoozing the German clients by attempting to speak to them in German, das IST wunderbar, Herr Baggs! Jo, on the other hand gets no such snaps for not trying in any way. Instead she goes for the patronising tone and charades miming. They are German, Jo, not retarded.

Christopher and Jamie meanwhile, secure an appointment with a big hotel chain for 9 the next morning- no wait, can they make it 1 instead? Must be the jetlag. Herr Baggs isn't feeling the jetlag however so he takes the 9 o'clock appointment. Did Christopher and Jim-Jam-Jamie make a mistake there? We'll see...

The worst candidate and the worst person generally EVER has to be Laura. She gets worse every week. My blood has gone from simmering to full on boiling to exploding out of my head. There's blood everywhere Laura! You did this! Oh! It's all on my sofa, pass me the Germinator. Sorry about that, anyway so yeah, not fond of her. Herr Baggs reminds her to speak slower and clearly to the potential clients; of course she knows, Herr Baggs, she's not an idiot. Turns out she is an idiot and she talks at the poor guy so fast even I'm having trouble understanding her. Other things happen on the other team but Laura is so awful I can't even remember what they are. And there she goes again with another hissy fit. She's annoyed that Stella and Jo have nicked her meeting and they're just shitty pieces of shit, it's just SHIIIIT! Excuse me, just throwing my shoes at the telly.

That earlier meeting re-arrangement was indeed a mistake as it turns out. Stella and Jo took an order at 9 so obviously the man don't want your order Chris and Liz. No they don't want to trial the product along side the other teams product. Yes that is a shame. The man said no. Bye then.

Poor old Chris. He's lost. Again. He's going back to the Boardroom. Again. Once again awful Laura is on the winning team and they get to go shopping or something. Whatever. It's BULLSHIT!

Meanwhile, down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak cafe Chris is devestated over some sad piano music. My heart is actually breaking for him. Surely he's for the off, after all, this is his fourth time in front of Shoogs. Of course he brings back happless duo Jamie and Christopher. So Jamie what have you got to say? 'Well, you know, the early worm catches the bird.' Right. Christopher? 'I'm a nice guy.' Chris. *Sighs and shakes head.* Shoogs leads us a merry dance, who's going? Christopher, you're fired. Wow, massively surprised that Chris has survived, again. My theory is he's hypnotising Shoogs with his beautiful eyes....

Next week, buying crap for the least amount of money. Fantastic.

PerpleX Factor

Since EVERYONE is talking about it, I thought might as well talk about it too: the X Factor. Steeped in controversy, this year has been a doozy, without actually having any one person or group that are that interesting. They try to be, but they're not. Rebbecca, for instance, has unique voice, a 'recording' voice, but she's got a touch of the Leona-Lewises about her. She's timid and quiet and, like we are reminded every week, she's just a normal young girl from Liverpool. Well so is everyone. We're all normal young girls or boys from somewhere before some of us go on to do great things. 'Can you believe Mary used to work in a supermarket?' Yeah, I can. Everyone needs to earn money to eat and heat their houses and clothe themselves and they're children. 'Isn't it sweet she's doing this for her children?' Most parents are doing what they're doing for their children, whether they're on X Factor or working in a bank or a circus performer. 'But it's so we can relate to them.' I see. But couldn't we relate to them anyway because, you know, they're people? Basically, I'm not bothered what you used to do or where you come from or if you're doing this for your kids - just be charming and bloody SING!

Of course there have been two big upsets this year, creepy Wagner and Cat Weasel's inexplicable staying power. Maybe Wagner's can be explained, people think it's funny. I am no one of these people. He gives me the heebie-jeebies, really he does; that fixed ventriloquist dummy smile, that hair,eugh that hair! I can't watch him any more, he literally makes my skin crawl and also he is just awful. Ah, and Cat Weasel. She was irritating on her first audition and she is irritating now and the way it all happened, fishy no? Has anyone seen 'Green Eyed World' on You Tube? Funny they've never mentioned it on the show. No wonder people don't know who the 'real' Katie Waissel/Vogel is. Is she acting? Just because you keep changing your hair doesn't mean we won't recognise you, Katie! It's all a bit of a conundrum but the fact that she's still in means that people are talking about her. I don't normally side with conspiracy theorists but in this case I am making an exception. The whole thing stinks. It's a jip I tells ya! A jip!

The thing I love about X Factor this year (yes, I know I've been having a good moan but I do love it) is Twitter. Watching it while tweeting makes for a totally different viewing experience. It's like a massive forum and you know, people are funny. Best X Factor tweeters include @gracedent, @CherylKerl, @sueperkins and @NicolaRobertsUK. If you can't watch with your real-life pals, watch with these guys, or both, it's worth it if just for the nick names, One Erection is my favourite so far.

The judges this year are hugely embarrassing, from Louis' toe-curlingly awful 'You remind me of a little Lenny Henry' comment to Paige; to Danni constantly perving on Matt, like an embarrassing Auntie hollering and whooping after one too many G&Ts; to Cheryl and her death stare (don't argue with it Dermot!); to Simon and, well, his hair, I just can't stop looking at it... Anyway, they've been having slanging matches all over the shop this year and it's getting a bit ridiculous.

But who will win? Do you care? Nah. Let's enjoy the journey.

Q. 'Are you interested in being in our movie?' A. 'No.'

Ah Stuart Baggs. Baggs the Brand. 'Baggsy' Baggs. What a ridiculous person. Who is Stuart Baggs? What is Stuart Baggs? And most importantly why is Stuart Baggs? Every week he attempts to answer these questions but I've yet to understand his answers: his apples are orange and he is sales villain, 'Soldfinger'??? I thought I'd have a look at his audition tape to see if I could get any sense from him. And this is what he said motivates him to do what he does, you know, selling yoyos at school:

'Why not? I'm alive. There's so many people that aren't alive, or have died unfortunately, now I'm alive and that's a gift frankly.'

Hmmm. So what does Baggsy plan to do with this gift of life?

'succeed to the maximum and use some of that success to help others - where appropriate.'

It's a declaration of philanthropy with a get-out clause, only where appropriate. I don't know what that means either. He is perplexing and, as we discover through the course of this weeks task, colossally more arrogant than I ever thought possible.

The Shoogs summons them to Pinewood Studios, you know, that famous furniture store? Anyway for some reason there's a massive blue screen at this furniture store (???) and Shoogs sets them the task of selling the movie experience to the public. This involves setting up a small blue screen in a shopping centre, getting people to fanny around in front of it, water skiing or something, and then selling them the resulting 5 minute DVD to treasure forever- STOP THE BUS SHOOGS! That is the single worst idea I have ever heard. Why, oh why, oh why would anyone pay money for that? A treasured memory? 'Remember that Saturday we went to the Traford centre and I bought them boots and you flirted with the guy in Costa? Remember that? Well now you don't need to cos I've got this DVD of us skiing in the Traford Centre and you can see my boots and our Costa coffee cups in the background.' Completely pointless. Right away I fear this task is doomed for all concerned.

Baggsy and Sandeesh are team leaders and it's clear from the off that it'll either be one or the other who gets fired. Liz and Chris take over Sandeesh's team, while Sandeesh sits looking on with her big eyes and agreeing in all the appropriate places. Nick sums up Baggsy as a project manager very eloquently:

'Stuart's leadership style leaves me trembling with irritation.'

Yeah, you and everyone on the team it seems. And me. He crashes his way through the meeting like an over-wrought business-bull and then he buggers off to Brands Hatch to drive some fast cars. Whoa there Baggsy! Someone needs to reign in your 'extreme masculinity' before you forget what your here for! After his shot in the racing car he decides to do a 180 and market the DVDs to kids instead of adult cos it's just a better idea, yeah? Yeah it is. An idea that sleepy-eyed Jo had in the meeting that you ignored. Eugh!

At the shopping centre Baggsy's team are first out the gate, selling their movie experience to the public and they're actually buying it? People are weird. But Jo's doing well, talking to the kids and giving them medal's and sweets. Meanwhile, Sandeesh's team are still trying to teach Christopher how to work the computer. Finally though, they get started and soon Sandeesh's team drop their prices and Baggsy ups his. Let's see which has made the better move...

So, after Liz does a bit of last-minute cheating, stealing the other team's car idea, the task is over. It's too close to call.

In the boardroom the results are revealed and it's in the Baggs. Sorry. Stuart wins by 40 quid and pulls the smuggest, most vile face I have ever seen. HUGELY punchable. The winning team get a champagne tasting 'laid on' by the Shoogs. Baggsy doesn't like the champagne and rudely says it tastes like paint stripper in front of the host. Then Stella asks if he's ever had champagne to which he replies something along the lines of 'yeah, it's that stuff that you get free when you go into a club.' Gross.

Down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak cafe, well, they're gutted and they all say so over some sad piano music. In the firing line with Sandeesh are Liz and Chris. And blah, blah, blah, you know how it goes, 'Sandeesh, your fired.' It's been a long time coming, she is just a bit nothing. Mesmerising eyes though. Mesmerising....

So Baggsy lives to fight another week. And although he makes my blood boil, trying to be flash, crudely talking about making loadsa money and 'sitting nowhere but the top', he is stellar telly. Baggsy to win! I don't expect whatever he'll be doing for the Shoogs will affect my life very much so let him go all the way to the top, take a seat up there and then take away his ladders.

'I am with much news, which I shall now birth.'

Miranda stumbled clumsily back onto our tellies this week. I looked at it last series and thought, this looks a bit daft for me but I caught the final few episodes and just fell in love with Miranda. I don't normally like clowning, I find it too awkward to watch but she does it so well and she is so endearing; mounting the conveyerbelt of a sushi restaurant when her 'trinkity' necklace gets stuck in it was definitely the highlight of the episode for me.

'The New Me', sees Miranda attempting to reinvent herself and move on from dreamy (oh my goodness, he is so dreamy) Gary, who's gone off to Hong Kong. Unfortunately, as she tells Stevie, 'The new me is currently worse than the old me'. Having against all odds ('I farted in front of him, blamed it on an imaginary dog and sung in his face') hooked-up with the chef who has replaced Gary, hunky American Danny (you know, Jimmy out of the New Adventures of Superman, took me ages to figure that out, you're welcome), things seem to be improving for Miranda: power walking, trainers with skirts, home-made muffins, crossword savy etc. but then- DUN! DUN! DUN! Gary's back (yas!) and she ends up on the floor with a table full of food on top of her. The old Miranda's back.

It's nice to have some old fashioned silliness back on the telly, driven by Miranda Hart's warm and lovable lead. I normally say this sarcastically but in this case I am serious - oh my sides!

The Odd Couple do the North

When I heard Rob Brydon and Steve Coogan would be acting opposite in a new BBC comedy, I wasn't sure what to make of it at first. I like Rob Brydon, I like Steve Coogan, but the two together? Hmmm...

The Trip sees the pair playing versions of themselves on a culinary road-trip for the Observer magazine. Originally intended as a trip for Coogan and his girlfriend, he is forced to settle for Brydon as his girlfriend heads off to America instead.

The six episodes are split over the six inns with each following a formulaic pattern: they drive to the inn, they check into their rooms, they have their tea (or dinner), they phone they’re wife/ex/agent/PA, the end. The improvised banter between the two along the way is testament to their comic prowess. They bicker, have impression wars, which Brydon usually wins (did you see his Al Pacino? Brilliant!), they compare careers, competing to see who's the most successful but at the same time they make each other laugh and you can even see a hint of admiration in these moments.

Of course there are the odd scenes built in to reveal more about their characters, like the scene at Dove Cottage in this weeks episode. Coogan's utterly charmless attempt to cajole the woman at the counter to let them visit the cottage even though admittance stopped 5 minutes ago, is contrasted by Brydon's pleasant and good humoured attempt, which, of course, pays off. It's also helped by the fact that the lady recognises Rob Brydon and she even gets his man-in-box voice thrown in, lucky thing! It highlights what we already knew; Brydon appears more warm and likable than Coogan. Their awareness of their public personas is clear and they play up to it fantastically.

Their restaurant conversations have delivered the most enjoyable slices of chat for me. The fact that it's all improvised is cleverly played upon in this weeks episode when Brydon asks Coogan, 'Do you think we just have the same conversation in every restaurant?' Coogan's reply reveals the structure of their conversations, 'We start out being a bit awkward with each other, have a little bit of wine and exchange a few frivolities...have a bit more wine, get cantankerous and pick faults with each other and it descends into a kind of bitter, unhappy end to the meal.' And that is basically it but it's well worth seeing how they get there.

It's squirm-some viewing watching Coogan's character slowly unravelling, his relationship is on the rocks, his plans to 'do films' and break America are falling through and we see him crack-up a tiny bit this week as he shouts Partridge's catchphrase, 'AHA!' across the hills. Maybe this Coogan feels his life is going the way of Partridge. Meanwhile Brydon flirts and jokes with his lovely wife over the phone. Is Coogan's character going to lose it at some point? I hope so.

A thing like that.

As Mad Men enters the final episodes of season 4 I can't help but be a little relieved. Not that it hasn't been a brilliant season, because it has and then some, but my nerves are shredded and I am exhausted. The difference with this season has been that things have been happening, a lot of things.

Series one, two and three seemed to be carried along on metaphorical imagery, dialogue that is left unsaid and sumptuous aesthetics, with a spartan but intriguing plot. Series four has made great use of all these elements but the world of Stirling/Cooper/Draper/Pryce is dingier and more claustrophobic; the office walls are closer together with walls flimsy enough that you imagine straining to hear slightly raised conversations; Don's apartment is not the hip bachelor pad it could easily have been, it's dark and poky and is only occasionally frequented by his children or the odd conquest.

The characters are all in turmoil and overtly so this time around. I've been personally gripped by the two opposing female characters, Peggy and Joan. Joan's husband Greg has joined the army and her anxiety spills over in a sharp tongued attack on creative's Joey who has done everything to undermine and insult her. She tells Joey and Stan that when they are inevitably deployed to Vietnam to remember that they won't be dying for her as she never liked them anyway. Roger and Joan's relationship is reignited for one night which is all it takes for Joan to become pregnant resulting in a heartbreaking termination she has to go through all alone. Having been through two terminations before, she treats the situation with the same stoic, keep-calm-and-carry-on attitude.

Conversely, Peggy's character is growing and changing, beginning to explore ideas of feminism through her new friend Joyce and a frustration with the limitations her sex puts on her job. Memories of the baby she had with Peter come to the fore again with the news that Peter's wife Trudy is pregnant. While she keeps this very personal hurt to herself her professional frustrations rise to the surface in the season's most talked about episode that sees Peggy and Don finally have it out and unravel in front of each other.

We also discover Lane's father is a violent, manipulative man who still has a hold over his well grown-up son; Roger loses his baby with Joan and the Lucky Strike account all in one week; Sally Draper isn't coping with her parents divorce and arrives at her father's office after travelling across New York from her therapist to be told she has to go back to the 'Francis Residence' she hates so much; even Bert shows his emotions this season when Ida Blankenship (the Joan to his Roger) dies in the office.

Don of course has the most spectacular season yet. Divorced, estranged from his children and most heartbreaking of all losing his best friend, the wife of his name-sake, Anna. He's been so drunk that he's lost days, vomited a lot and generally been a mess physically. The first episode gave an indication of things to come, calling into question his identity, 'Who is Don Draper?' His lies have been slowly unravelling, coming to a head in this weeks episode which showed Don under investigation by the government in order to secure the American Aviation account. In his panic he tells Faye everything about his past, who he seems to be carving out an honest and genuine relationship with. Pete, also privy to Don's big secret, grudgingly saves the day, losing the account and almost losing his job in the process. So Don's secret is safe. For now.

Will SCDP bounce back from the losses and heartaches or is it the beginning of a downward spiral? I hope in the closing episodes we'll see more of Pete Campbell, odious and lovable at the same time, who's been in the background for much of the series. Now I'm off to lie down in a darkened room until the next episode.

If only I were an octopus....

I know I said I'd have my Apprentice posts up to date by now but as you can see that has not happened so I will say this briefly about week 4 - jeez Mel, talk about bowing-out graciously; and week 5 - a bit sad that Paloma, aka Grace Jones, was fired (mainly because I won't be able to use that nick-name any more). Anyway I feel I should move on and bring this blog bang up to date and also I have a lot to say about this week because it was bloody brilliant.

The episode begins with Shoogs paying the candidates a visit(I needed a new nickname to replace Grace Jones so I'm going with this one, alright? Yeah). So Shoogs is in the house (see? I think it's working well). With the candidates lined up in various states of dress, groggy and sleepy-eyed, oh wait, that's just Joanna, anyway Shoogs tells them they'll be designing a new brand of household cleaner. This includes the branding, packaging, radio ad. and TV ad. I am beside myself with excitement, please let someone rap!

The teams split off into their generic brainstorming boardrooms in the top ad agency that Shoogs has 'laid on' and choose their leaders. Apollo go with Alex; he'd be perfect for this task because of course if he were and apple pie, 'the apples inside would be orange'.....*tumbleweed*....yeah...

So anyway, Synergy go for ex-military Christopher as their leader and right away the team hash out a killer campaign model for their product: it's all black and white and you're all single and then you get this magic cleaning spray and you're not single and you have parties and passion, yeah! But at their focus group with some mums and toddlers one of the mums briefly mentions something about an octopus and 'Octo-Kleen' is born. Why do these products always have weird spelling? The Cuulliiii, or whatever it was, and now this? Their customers would be able to understand standard spelling, I'm sure.

Meanwhile Laura and Alex are doing some product research in the supermarket when Laura suggests the name 'Blitz', not bad you think but as Alex points out, the Blitz was some big bombing thing years ago in London or some shit like that and anyway the people that were in it are probably all dead. Oh Lord. When the team reconvene, armed with the product research and the info they gleaned from their focus group, they throw it all out the window and go for Chris' 'Germinator' idea. They then get some free time and decide to design a poster for a German indie film- hang on, sorry, it's their product label, a child (apparently) in sunglasses against a red background. And the bottle will be black? 'The Germinator: when an ordinary cleaner just won't shift that bloodstain.' That's one of mine, appealing mainly to the serial killer market.

Back on Synergy and running full pelt with the octopus idea, Christopher begins auditioning for a wife. For the advert I mean, not in real life and he doesn't want his pretend wife to be a minger, but she can be a rubbish actress though. And she is. Awful. Filming begins and I think Nick sums up Christopher's advert up quite well 'sending the daughter off to bed so she can, as an octopus, grope her husband.' Well eight hands are better than two - sorry, I just threw up all over my keyboard. The finished advert is shown to the advertising big-wigs. Horrific, tasteless, sexist, outdated, creepy and crap are just some of the words I jotted down while watching the 'Octo-Kleen' advert. You get the gist.

At least Synergy's effort is kinda, sorta funny-ish, 'Hasta la vista, Gravy', hehehe... Laura wants to pitch it but Alex gives Sandeesh the task and Laura sulks and huffs, it's just BOLLOCKS! Hmph! But regardless of the pitcher, the big-wigs think they've missed their market totally so really both teams make a right pig's ear of this weeks task.

In the boardroom Shoogs isn't happy and although neither team is the winner this week, Apollo win (but not really) and are sent off to claim their 'prize' of a night of Karaoke. Rubbish. Can't believe sleazy Christopher got out of this one.

Down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak Cafe, Alex is being lampooned by torpedoes of silence from his team. Awkward. Back in front of Shoogs Alex praises Sandeesh for her pitching efforts and chastises Laura for her adolescent mood swings. So naturally he brings back Sandeesh(?!) and Chris to the firing squad. Shoogs thinks Laura's getting away scott-free and he's sick of her whining so he sends her to her room along with the rest of the team. The final showdown sees Alex flare up a bit and shout, or whine loudly, that he did everything right but got some stuff a bit wrong and the others should be fired before him and blah blah blah. He comes across like a right plonker and is consequently fired, with regret though, by the Shoogs who comments that 'E's a nice enuff fella.' But Alex doesn't need you Shoogs! He's going to do it on his own! Oh jings.

oh yeah and Laura's still in a mood at the house, 'I can tell none of you wanted me to come back, Wha! Wha! Wha!' Yawn. Still, brilliant week though. Next week 'selling the big screen experience to the general public', not sure what this means but I look forward to finding out. Maybe someone will do a rap.

It's a Mind-Melter.

It's week 3 (well it was few weeks ago, I'm catching up). This week's task was, as Lord Sugar put it, 'turning flour into serious dough.' Oh my sides.

After last weeks ridiculous boardroom rammie the teams were diluted further with peroxide Mel being one of the girls sent over to the boys' team. Of course because Mel has her own food distribution company she would be the perfect leader of her new team. Yeah, you'd think but then there she goes again, using her special made-up business speak; the team should think about 'best sellery things'???? Yes, definitely tastilicious cakey-cakes.

Meanwhile back on Apollo Shibby and Jamie fight it out for the role of project manager. Outvoted, Jamie takes his defeat in the manner of Kevin the teenager, tutting and sighing and rolling his eyes. Ah, life's not fair, is it Jamie?

And so the task begins. Mel and Synergy name their ephemeral bakery 'Le Pain Artisan.' Ooh la la? They head off to secure an order from the hotel chain and I am rolling around my floor in pain. How much is it for one roll, Mel? One Roll?! 60p? Is it? What? So off they go to figure it out on their calculator. they'll only be 5 minutes... 15 minutes later she's finally figured it out. The hotel chap does not look impressed.

Now it's Shibby and Apollo's turn. How much for one roll? 6p. Done. Shibby is chuffed. Well done Shibby's Angels. And they got an order for some croissants, good job! But oh dear, we're not making croissants. SIGH.

Next stop for Synergy and their calculator is a restaurant chain - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! But it's OK, Alex saves the day; he's got an inbuilt calculator.

Paloma bowls into Apollo's meeting with big big numbers. We're making 50,000 muffins and 28 million rolls, well not really, but you get the idea. Shibby at this point manages to stop the Paloma express in her path, unfortunately it was in the middle of a meeting in front of clients. He does make a good point though, 'we're not Supermen.'

By the way, sleepy-eyed Joanna's a bit quiet this week, eh?

Anyway, in Synergy's kitchen, ex-marine Chris runs a tight ship and the well oiled production line churns out Mel's 'best sellery things.' But poor Apollo's kitchen has fallen apart and now at 4 in the morning they're apparently off to get battered, delivering18 bread rolls to the hotel who ordered a thousand. Shibby's advice to the owner? Suggest the guests go on the Atkin's diet. He's not impressed. Shibby bungs him 130 quid.

Meanwhile, Alex got an A* in his GCSE maths, you know. INBUILT CALCULATOR, MELISSA.

Both teams hit the streets and sell and argue about selling and sell some more and then it's over. Thank Christ.

In the boardroom Mel's team take the win in spite of their cringe-tastic leader. Lucky escape I think, she'll not last long [I wrote this right after this episode was first shown. I know, I'm psychic]. So off the winners and Mel pop to an eastern restaurant to be entertained by Arabian dancers. YAWN.

Down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak Cafe Shibby's team hang their heads going over their defence. What's Shibby's defence in front of Lord Sugar? 'My bad! I haven't done this before! I promise I'll learn from it!' CRINGE.

If Shibby's going down, he's taking Paloma and Sandeesh into the boardroom with him. Sandeesh's defence is that she will propel Lord sugar into world domination. Or something. Sugar points out that Hitler had a problem with that. good point. It's practically the same thing. Paloma is safe I think mainly because she's beautiful and terrifying, double intimidation. The Grace Jones of the business world. Poor Shibby's fired but it's okay, he's going to learn from it.

My brain is dribbling out of my ears.

A History of Horror with Mark Gatiss

I had this boyfriend a few years back who used to collect beermats and other beer related memorabilia. I remember he offered to show me some of his collection and I expected a muddled box full of bottle tops, beer mats and labels but to my surprise he took out a sleek black folder neatly displaying his collection and I thought this was fantastic. While I didn’t share his enthusiasm for all things beery, I shared his general enthusiasm; it’s always been something I’ve been drawn to. I suppose basically what I’m saying is that I love nerds and I use the word nerd in the most affectionate way, which brings me neatly to my bit of telly blogging for today…sort of….

I’ve always quite liked Mark Gatiss. When I was young my brother and I were morbidly fascinated by the League of Gentlemen, he’s written some great TV, Sherlock and the brilliant Doctor Who, and he’s always seemed like an amiable chap so when I saw that he had a program coming on BBC4, A History of Horror with Mark Gatiss, I thought I’d give it a go.

I’ve never really been a horror fan as I’m a bit of a scaredy-cat. I tend to avoid the heebie-jeebies if I can but I found this series so engaging, even more so because, as stated from the outset, it’s such a personal journey for Mark Gatiss. The connections with his childhood fascinations and his fervour for the horror genre growing up swept me along.

His journey begins in the very early era of horror cinema, from Lon Chaney in the silent Phantom of the Opera, and throughout he picks out his favourite horror moments and actors. Spattered through the series are interviews with actors and directors who he clearly has great affection for and they in turn seem to warm to him and his intelligent observations of the films he has loved and studied so much. In these interviews he makes great little observations like how much more gruesome Lon Chaney’s glass eye looked in its own little box.

My favourite tribute of them all has to be to Peter Cushing in the second episode. One of the most iconic faces of Hammer Horror, Cushing starred in numerous horror films before his death in 1994. Gatiss bases his tribute in Whitstable where Cushing lived for many years, up until he died. We’re shown his house complete with blue plaque, ‘Cushing’s View’ on the seafront and the museum display dedicated to him. Gatiss describes how Cushing always brought a sense of commitment and authenticity to the roles he played, carrying around the trappings of his characters in his pockets. It’s these little nuggets of detail that really convey his genuine love for Cushing and other big names in horror such as Boris Karloff, George Romero and John Carpenter.

I think I could directly relate to the third program most of all as it looked at films I’ve seen and know very well like Psycho, Hallowe’en or The Exorcist. It’s also a canon of films that are widely revered in mainstream horror but I was intrigued by the films Gatiss offers up as personal favourites that wouldn’t necessarily make that list such as George Romero’s Martin, about a lonely teenage boy who thinks he’s a vampire. Thanks to Mark Gatiss I now feel like I need to watch all of these films and have in fact made a list for me to check off as I go, with Martin at the top. After all, I’m just a big nerd too.

A History of Horror with Mark Gatiss is only on the iplayer for a few more days so watch it while you can. Seriously, do it. You will thank me. Don’t have nightmares.

The Apprentice so far...

I'm not a business person. I don't know what it takes to get ahead in business nor do I understand business speak but the Apprentice is, as always, teaching me a lot about this foreign world.

To get ahead in business you need to talk the talk, yeah? So when the candidates are introduced as 'Britain's brightest business prospects' I wait eagerly to hear what these candidates, who will presumably be running the biggest businesses in the world one day, have to say for themselves. Instantly they tell us they're 'intelligent', 'charismatic', 'ruthless', 'adaptable', 'agile', wow. They sound like a cross between Stephen Fry and a gazelle so far. Stuart Baggs stands out from the off because apparently everything he touches 'turns to sold'. Yeah, as opposed to gold, see what he did there? Brilliant. And believe me there are plenty more clever word-plays and all round rip-roaring quotes to come.

Sir Allen is now Lord Sugar for all his contributions to the business world (does anyone have or know of anyone else that has an Amstrad product? What do they do?). His opening gambit is 'on paper you all look very good but then again, so does fish and chips.' I'm not sure exactly what this means, fish and chips shouldn't be running businesses? They might be as much use as fish and chips? Which are actually quite useful if you're hungry. So the first task is sausages, and they're off!

The boys decide to call themselves Synergy, a rubbish name, and with their leader chosen, aggressive Dan, they all beat their chests and head out to club some pigs for their sausages. Not really but you get the uber-masculine behaviour, no need for it. Meanwhile the ladies pick Apollo, a marginally better name, with sleepy-eyed Joanna as their team leader. Plumping for the gourmet sausages up against the boys' rusk filled, 2% meat, bargain basement sausages, it's clear from the beginning that the girls have this one in the bag. And they do and aggressive Dan gets fired and all is right with the world.

I have to say I was genuinely surprised by how the aggression spread through the boys' team in the first week so the logical course of action was to give them a lovely calm lady, Stella, to PM while Little Laura steps up for the girls. This week the teams have to design and produce a new beach accessory. And then comes the brainstorming.

What about a a sort of stand for your book?
How about a long hand to put suncream on your back, 'can you imagine?'
Ooh, I've got it, maybe a book stand?
How about a foot-glove to protect your feet from the heat of the sand? Like a sock? Yeah, just a sock then.
Please Miss! I've got an idea! A book stand Miss!
What about a towel that you can use to store your water and baby food?
Book stand?

All fantastic ideas. For the boys Jamie's towel with a cooling compartment wins out. Unfortunately for sleepy-eyed Joanna, Laura's not keen on the book stand-for-the-beach idea the girls decide to go with.... Joanna's book stand-for-the-beach idea. Confused? Me too. Little Laura doesn't seem to be coping very well with all these women and seems to give into the idea because she has a headache. To be fair this is just what I would do. They are so loud and they just keep talking; it's somehow turning into an episode of Loose Women but then I'm not in business and Little Laura is. She seems a bit young for all this really.

Meanwhile the boys and lady Stella name their product the Cuuli (?) and charmingly convince lady Stella to 'take one for the team' and pose in a beach-ware for the packaging. Which brings me to my favourite scene of the week, Chris, Christopher and Alex gormlessly shopping for an outfit for lady Stella. They're looking for a bikini top in red with tassels coming down and I'm picturing a glamorous, all be it quite slutty, Las Vegas showgirl-type outfit. So they go for a pretty vile vest top and equally bad denim shorts. Sexy.

Anyway, in spite of the outfit, the boys and Lady Stella romp to victory in the boardroom but only because their idea was slightly, and I do mean only very slightly, less crap than the ladies and they got some orders as opposed to ZERO. Boots might have taken on the ladies' Bookeaze (not bad, eh?) if Little Laura wasn't such a muppet and took them up on exclusivity.
'What's wrong with you?!' I yell at the telly as she tells one of the biggest high street retailers that it's too early to discuss exclusivity. 'No! You idiot! Get back to your pals at school and tell them all how wicked the Apprentice was and how you well would with Chris cos he's so fit how that Joanna's a right bitch and you're going to get your cousins on her for messing with you!'

The caterwauling continues in the boardroom and a 'shameful' (please bring Raleigh back next series) scene ensues. But Laura doesn't go. Joy does. She was pretty forgettable, mainly because she seemed quite pleasant in a normal, non-businessy type way. But I think the normals should stay longer than they inevitably do on the Apprentice, just for that, some normality. Well, maybe they are a bit boring next to characters like Stuart 'Baggsy' Baggs 'The Brand.' I have genuinely never seen people like this in real life and if there is one thing I love about the Apprentice it's that it brings these people out of my peripheries and into my direct line of vision and I still can't quite believe what I'm looking at.

So my synopsises of episode 1 and 2 are finally done. Been a bit slow on the uptake but I will be back with more on episodes 3, 4 and 5 before episode 6 is aired, promise!