South Riding: A distinct lack of riding so far.

David Morrissey in riding boots looking all brooding and angry? Oh, all right then, I'll have a look... Morrissey perving aside, the BBC's new mini-series based on the novel South Riding looked as good as any other glossy, sexy, high-budget drama. Of COURSE I was going to watch it.

The story begins with a plethora of romantic imagery: a handsome man galloping astride a horse along a beach and over wild moors, a beautiful woman in red aboard a steam train as it snakes its way through the same wild landscape. The handsome man is (obviously) Morrisey and the beautiful woman, our heroine, Sarah Burton, played by Anna Maxwell Martin (off of Bleak House and Doctor Who). Now, I've never read the book but right away I knew it; these two are going to shag. Fact.

It's 1934 and our heroine, Miss Burton, is applying for the post of headmistress in an all girls school in the small English town of South Riding. It's clear from the off that this lady is here to shake things up, I mean, look at her, she's wearing RED! The board of governors doing the interviewing includes Mr. Carne (Morrissey) who seems to take an instant dislike to Miss Burton and she to him (they are SO hot for each other). But uh-oh, what's this? Looks like Mr. Carne's got some competition. It seems as though Mr. Astell (played by Scot actor Douglas Henshall, off of Primeval) has got designs on Miss Burton too. He's being all nice and sensitive to her (but she knows Carne would be a better shag). Despite Mr. Carne voting against the decision, the radical Miss Burton gets the post and runs off into the sea in a SWIMSUIT to celebrate. Saucy.

We meet two of the girls Miss Burton will no doubt inspire, Midge Carne, daughter of Mr. Carne and Lydia Holly, a rough 'n' ready girl from the rural slum known as the 'Shacks'. Midge Carne, played brilliantly by Katherine McGlopin, is clearly disturbed by traumatic events involving her mother and is highly strung to put it mildly. Lydia, played by Charlie Clarke, is tough on the outside (holing up her fist to another girl,' You see this? It smells of dead girls. Think on.' Brilliant) but on the inside she is a literary prodigy. Great characters, well cast all with their own interesting back stories, but when will Mr. Carne and Miss Burton sleep together???

Both Mr. Carne and Miss Burton have sad love stories: her fiance died in the war and his wife has been sectioned so both could do with a bit of sexy times. Towards the end of the first episode Miss Burton's car conveniently breaks down outside Mr. Carne's barn, so, sex is coming up, yeah? Well, he's having a bit of trouble birthing a calf so in a strangley erotically charged scene she stickes her hand up the cow and helps him out. Who knew sticking your arms up cows could be sexy? Even though she spends the night at casa de Carne, nothing happens. GUTTED.

When this weeks episode rolled around I was 98% sure that this was the week that Carne and Burton would get frisky. The events that unfolded while I was waiting were more than enough to keep me watching; drama unfolds at the shacks as Lydia's mother becomes seriously ill after becoming pregnant one too many times. Unfortunately it's too late for Mrs. Holly and she passes away leaving Lydia with the motherly roles, meaning she has to leave school. Midge, meanwhile, is turning into a right little rotter, torturing a poor old teacher to the point that she smacks Midge round the face with a ruler. Well, she deserved it. Hopefully next week will uncover more fully Midge's issues surrounding her mother. All of this combined with the corruption in the council surrounding the sale of land for an estate to replace the run-down shacks, made for pretty gripping viewing. And to top it all, it seems the big moment has arrived.

Mr. Carne and Miss Burton have, in another fabulous coincidence, booked into the same Manchester Hotel. And they're getting on, making eyes over a roaring fire, going out for dinner and dancing and then finally, they both decide the best thing to do would be to go back to the hotel and SHAG! YAS! So Miss Bennett heads to her room, tarts her self up in her sexy jammies and waits for Mr. Carne's arrival. And there he is and he's going to get into her bed but then - DISASTER! He has some kind of attack, possibly a panic attack or perhaps something relating to an old war injury, either way it puts an end to what was a sure thing. GUT-TED. Next week I'm taking no chances, I'm filling the telly room with candles and roses and oysters stuffed with strawberries floating in champagne and Marvin Gaye will be singing 'Let's Get it On' on the stereo, LET'S DO THIS THING.

Seriously though, bizarre and creepy fixation with fictional characters having sex aside, South Riding has been fantastic. The cast has been brilliant, the story gripping and as always the costumes and sets have been beautifully executed. I hope the conclusion ties up all the lose ends, the SEXY lose ends. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge (sorry).

The Rise of the Quiz Dicks.

When did telly quizzes get taken over by dicks? Everywhere I turn there seems to be some smug Quiz Dick telling me the answer to my question is wrong followed by a lengthy explanation of the right answer. Gone are the days when contestants had a 'lovely day' and went home with a carriage clock. Now they get a metaphorical kick in the teeth and leave with NOTHING while the smug Quiz Dick laughs condescendingly: 'Haha! Back to your hovel, simpleton, I'm a telly star.' Dick.

Let's look at some of the offending programmes, Perfection; a fed-up Nick Knowles hosts as our contender competes to answer a series of true/false questions correctly without letting in the 'Usual Suspects'. These 'Usual Suspects' are a rag-tag bunch of fair-to-middling quizzers who wile away the hours in the general knowledge waiting room, anticipating a chance to sabotage the contenders game. In order to achieve Perfection, the contender must answer the entire series of questions correctly, as you may have guessed. It is a bizarre game and rarely does it yield a winner. Mind-bogglingly smug 'actor' Carl actually won yesterday and I died a little bit inside. The plus side to this shockingly undeserved victory was that the spoils were shared with the lovely Adam and he got more monies than Carl the 'actor'. Perfection partly allows you to help out a fellow contestant but only because it serves your own interest, 'yeah, I'll come and help you for £6,000 of your £7,000 prize fund. It's not really fair but it's better than a kick in the teeth.' Sounds like a kick in the teeth to me.

Next up on our list of offending shows is The Chase. Hosted by an amiable Bradley Walsh, a team of lovely members of the public, or Normies, compete against the Chaser, or quiz dick, to win some monies which they will share. The Normies are generally lovely, the Chasers are not. One of three Chasers is wheeled out for each show; a sour-faced Miss Trunchbull (out of Mathilda) type who is generally unpleasant to the herds of 'stupid' contestants; a tiny-eyed, toad-like insufferable know-it-all who likes to explain why his answers are correct in detail; and a terrifying genius man who looks like he will not only beat the contestants but will also, as punishment for losing, lock them in his general knowledge dungeon, firing questions at them and administering electric shocks every time they get one wrong, or right probably. And normally, it takes ages for the Normies to beat the Chaser thus enlarging their massive egos and making me die a little bit more inside.

The worst offender, which hosts a whole panel of Quiz Dicks has to be BBC2's Egg Heads. A team of Normies take on a team of champion quizzers, spawned from past winners of Mastermind or Who Wants to be a Millionaire etc. Maybe on their previous telly quiz incarnations we didn't mind them, maybe we even rooted for them when it was just them on their lonesome up against nothing but questions. Good on them for winning. Well done. Now away back to your pub quizzes on a Thursday night where they have a picture of you shaking hands with Chris Tarrent hanging above the bar. Oh, so being a local legend isn't good enough for you, eh? You need to lord your superior general knowledge skills over us forever more, do you? Well not on my telly! OK, maybe on my telly but I'm not rooting for you anymore, go the Normies! Take the Quiz Dicks down a peg or two!

I still love quizzes like Mastermind and University Challenge showcasing astounding levels of intelligence and anorakism, just YouTube University Challenge and Guttenplan and witness a quiz super-geek. Incredible. And yes of course, you get the odd smugo you really hope crashes and burns but there isn't the sneering nastiness that is present in this new telly quiz format. Unfortunately it seems Quiz Dicks are now not only the resident know-it-alls but they are some Normies too. Don't rise to it Normies! Knowing stuff is awesome and winning is also awesome but don't be a dick about it. Being generous and humble and kind is also awesome so EVERYONE PLAY NICE.

Mad Dogs: Maximise your Simm and Glenister. Serious.

Sky 1 began its new drama Mad Dogs last night, with a stellar cast: Philip Glenister, John Simm, Mark Warren and Max Beasley. The trailers promised sexy, sun-soaked intrigue and I was especially looking forward to Glenister and Simm teaming up for the first time since Life on Mars. Did it live up to the hype? Well...

The story goes that the group are being flown out to Majorca by their minted friend, Alvo, for a reunion-type holiday. Fair enough. This Alvo is clearly pretty dodge though, taking mysterious phone calls, saying he's not in 'the business' anymore, he's 'out' etc. The script feels a bit clunky and contrived at times, explaining character back-stories through unnatural conversations, like the fact that Rick (Warren) is married to Quin's (Glenister) ex, or that Woody (Beasley) is a recovering alcoholic, or that Baxter (Simm with an evil little goatie) is divorced. Of course it's important to know these tit-bits of info but there are subtler ways to do it, rather than asking out right, 'how's the divorce?' Too easy.

Bad joo-joo is afoot when a dead goat is found in Alvo's pool but the guys don't ask many questions (???), instead they swan off to go 'clubbing'. Now, I'm not sure the director has been to a club for a while, it was the weirdest night out I've ever seen. Anyone else been to a reasonably quiet, up-market night club where the air is filled with whooping and hollering? Yeah, me neither. The lads also head out on Alvo's 'friend's' boat and more fake guffawing and horsing around ensues. There are some tedious lines in there as well, ('Are we all middle aged now? When did that happen?' CRINGE).

It turns out Alvo's a bit of a cunt and, as suspected, well dodge as after he lays into all his pals, a creepy wee man in a Tony Blair mask (will seriously give me the heebs for a long time to come) creeps on in and shoots Alvo in the head. And there the episode ends. Next week, the guys panic and go to bury Alvo and I believe there's money involved in a Shallow Grave type-way. Although, after all the fuss they made about a stolen boat ('We've got kids and jobs!'), I'm not sure how all this extremely criminal activity will come about. I may have to suspend my disbelief.

It is obviously early days and although the story was set up in a bit of a clumsy way, I still have hope that it might turn into something interesting, exciting even. I'm putting a lot of faith in the cast for this, especially Simm and Glenister, they will undoubtedly act their socks off, i just hope the material is strong enough. The scene has also been set for much conflict between the four, which may lead eventually to some kind of betrayal. So it seems perseverance is the key, don't let me down Mad Dogs, you've got Glenister and Simm - USE THEM WISELY!

Skins: Will they? Won't they? THEY WILL.

Skins, the 3rd generation, is up and raving (kids still do that, right?). The 1st generation was awesome; I am still, to this day, trying to get over Chris' death - HOW COULD YOU, SKINS?! HOW COULD YOU?!!! Anyways, then came the 2nd generation which, quite frankly, went through the looking glass so out I tuned (for reasons why, check out Adam and Joe's chat about Skins on YouTube. LOLZ). I wasn't sure how these new young hipsters would fair; drugs and sex or Haribo and studying? It turns out this lot are somewhere in between.

As per, we're introduced to the characters one at a time through an episode focused solely on their 'story'. First up was Franky, an androgynous new girl who's escaped bullying at her old school only to encounter queen bitch Mini on her first day at her new school. Unlucky, eh? Frankie seems interesting enough, although this first episode felt a wee bit tentative but here, the trailer for the next week looks good. And it bloody was as well.

Finally! A character not totally divorced from my high school reality. Metal-Head, Rich, is an amalgamation of ACTUAL lads I ACTUALLY hung out with at school. I myself wasn't a metal head, although the boys tried: 'Have a len of my Pantera CD, Suzanne.' My ears! I put it off and stuck on some Joni Mitchell instead: 'Fucking Hippy.' If Rich had gone to my school I probably would have fancied him, I probably fancy him now (actors playing teenagers are usually 30, so it's probs not creepy). Encouraged by his pal, Vivian-from-the-Young-Ones Lite, Alo, Rich sets about trying to get himself a girl with the help of girly ballet dancer, Grace. The hour that ensues is AWESOME.

Scenes are punctuated by metal yowling, a brilliant touch, Huey off the Fun Loving Criminals pops up as sage-like record store owner Toxic Bob ('Don't be an ass hat and people will like you more.'), and there is an excellent Rage Against the Machine scream along (I have taken part in a fair few myself). During her efforts to help Rich ask out 'the Angel of Death', who, it turns out, is a total bitch, Grace falls for Rich and Rich falls for Grace. Aw. But things are not that simple, obvs. A rare extreme metal track renders Rich temporarily deaf and, with his eyes as his only tool, he stumbles into Grace's ballet recital, where he finally appreciates the beauty of what she does. This scene is so beautifully shot that I can barely put it into words. If you haven't already, you NEED to see it. Serious though.

ACTUAL NAPALM DEATH turn up playing a gig that Rich can't hear, therefore neither can we, brilliant sports, but it doesn't matter because he's all about Grace by now. By the time he gets his hearing back and resolves to tell Grace how he feels (he gets her flowers and everything), Grace has decided that the two shouldn't be together because queen bitch Mini wouldn't like it. BOO! But now the stage is set for a 'will they, won't they?' story-line. And they will. They WILL, right? They better or I am finished with Skins FOREVER. But they will so it's okay (God I hope they will).

So I'm back aboard the Skins Express. Just to clarify, it wasn't the writing or directing that put me off the 2nd generation, it was the characters I just couldn't relate to. This time, however, along with excellent writing, brilliant and at times breath-taking direction, some characters are standing out as tangibly recognisable. So Skins, it is SO ON.

p.s. Please don't kill Rich.

Boardwalk Empire: It's BRAINS not CREAM.

A new channel? That's showing high quality drama from across the pond? Including brand new Mad Men? I was excited. HBO, king of the TV box set, has teamed up with Sky to launch new channel, Sky Atlantic. The 'stories' began on 1st February with a drama which has already won awards and much critical acclaim in the States, Martin Scorsese's Boardwalk Empire. The man with the weird face, Steve Buscemi, takes the title role as Enoch 'Nucky' Thompson, corrupt treasurer of Atlantic City. It's the 1920s and prohibition has just begun but Buscemi and his cronies are on a mission to keep Atlantic City 'wet', raking in the profits. Good story, eh? So was it any good? Em...

It'd be difficult to make a drama set in the 1920s and have it looking shit. Predictably, it's stylish, the costumes are gorgeous, the colour pallet has an almost sepia tone and the Atlantic City boardwalk is like a bizarre side-show where even premature babies are an attraction. The characters have obviously a long way to go, this being episode one, and Nucky is intriguing. Although he's crooked, he has his limits and doesn't seem himself to be a violent man. His relationship with Margaret Shroeder, a young, vulnerable woman is sure to develop and hopefully we'll see more depth to her character, as the cast seems to be a bit of a boys club at the moment with the women playing in much lesser roles. Michael Pitt (Henry off Dawson's Creek) has emerged as an early favourite of mine as his character, Jimmy, has just returned from the tranches and clearly has some issues that will no doubt bubble up as the series progresses. Another character I'm looking forward to seeing more of is the notorious Al Capone played by our own Stephen Graham (Combo off This Is England). At the time, Capone is young, his life of crime is just beginning and Graham is enigmatic as ever in his performance.

There were a couple of things that interfered with my viewing experience. The first thing is totally my own fault as the zeitgeist of my childhood bares a lot of influence on my adult brain, and it is Bugsy Malone. Yes, I said BUGSY MALONE; it's my automatic reference point to the '20s, sorry. Take the scene in the woods, it reminded me of the Bugsy Malone scene in the woods, remember? With Looney Bergonzi? THE Looney Bergonzi? Anyway, I'm thinking, uh-oh! These guys are getting SPLURGED! Shit! That guys got a hole in his face! And the scene towards the end where the guy puts on his gramophone and he's defo getting SPLURGED! Oh shit, yeah, his head's all on the gramophone. So what I'm trying to say is that the violence shocked me, as it was brains instead of cream. So anyway, my second beef is with the adverts. Too many adverts disrupting the flow of the programme; one minute we're watching Nucky head up to meet other city officials for dinner, the next Gerard Butler's telling me about his face, and now Nucky's sitting down to dinner. FFS. So it turns out the only way to watch it is to Sky+ it and fast forward through the ads, a little better but still a pain in the arse.

It seems Boardwalk Empire is a bit of a slow burner by all accounts. My verdict? S'alright.

Big Fat Gypsy Weddings: The Joke Isn't Funny Any More

Big Fat Gypsy Weddings is raking in the viewers with audiences of over 8 million in its second week. The series has emerged from the one-off documentary exploring the lavish phenomenon of the larger than life traveller weddings and sets itself up to be a further exploration of travellers, they're traditions and customs. Clearly it's a source of interest, as the travelling community is so secretive but, as the series is progressing it's clear that far from being a bit of trash TV, Big Fat Gypsy Weddings is something far more sinister.

Week one was a fairly jolly jape as we were shown the garish wedding and communion dresses and given just a touch of background info on travellers and traveller weddings. It ended on a rather sour note however, as we were shown a glimpse of the aggressive courting ritual known as 'grabbing', where a girl is carried off by a boy who twists her arm, etc. to try and get a kiss. But overall, the programme was more of the same, more dresses than documentary. Week two cranked up the disturbing footage, showing very young girls gyrating to hip hop like grown, sexual women and the eviction of one traveller site, leaving many homeless. This weeks episode was simply depressing from start to finish as it focused on the girls' role in the travelling community.

Young bride (although apparently old by traveller standards), 18 year old Lizzy, tells us that the traveller girls know their place: 'We ain't going to be doctors or lawyers or anything. Housewives, that's what we're going to be.' Taken out of education at 11, Lizzy became responsible for the housework and taking care of her younger siblings. Now that Lizzy is to be married, her younger sister, Margaret, is leaving school to take Lizzy's place. It's pretty heartbreaking to see a 13 year old girl shouldering all that responsibility, especially when she's clearly overwhelmed by it all. It's also easier to understand the extravagant weddings when you consider the supposed drudgery of many traveller girls' lives. For one day they get to be the most important person, they are the princess so it's no wonder they get so carried away. Everyone wants the biggest dress, the most lavish cake because then you're 'known for at least something that you've done', as Lizzy puts it. I'm not putting down women as housewives, but these girls seem to have no choice in the matter and clearly that's where the issue lies.

A shocking statistic revealed that over half all traveller wives have experienced domestic abuse, a fact that doesn't seem surprising when we see the way traveller boys treat the girls as the issue of 'grabbing' rears its ugly head again. When asked if they think that the girls enjoy it the boys reply no, but they do it anyway because it's expected. It seems these particular boys have been brought up in such a way that they have a sense of entitlement as they know that in their community, the men are privelleged to do as they please while the women have harsh restrictions placed on them from the get go. This goes some way to explaining the lack of respect these boys show for the girls when it comes to 'grabbing'. Dressing up this aggressive ritual as a 'tradition' or 'part of their culture', doesn't excuse the fact that it is abuse and harassment, plain and simple.

There is a glimmer of hope for the future of travelling girls in the form of Noreen who, unusually, has a job working in a cake shop and believes in living life before she gets married. Unlike many others, she stayed in education and can read and write better than most, including the boys. She wants to be the one in charge in her married life and would like to have her husband wrapped around her finger, a view probably influenced by her Auntie who managed to escape her abusive marriage, divorcing her husband and raising her children on her own. Noreen seems to be evidence that attitudes of some travellers are changing, if a little slowly.

Yes, the programme is interesting and provoking, with next weeks episode focussing on the boys of the travelling community, but the tone of the episode changes so frequently, with comedic music played over footage of 'grabbing', it's unclear what the documentary makers intentions are. Ultimately, this week showed that there's nothing funny about the travellers way of life as, for me, the lack of respect for women and the apparent violence outweigh the 14 stone dresses.