Reflections on Stella

I couldn't end my Apprentice blogging for this series without a congrats for our winner, Stella. Bookies favourite from the off, I've been back and forth on the ice-cool Lady Stella. Week two was definitely the week she showed us all what kind of candidate she was, whipping the aggressive boys team into shape. She made them clear up the mess they made of the china shop the week before when they corralled into it, horns blazing, and made it clear she'd stand for no more of their nonsense. Although their idea for a beach product was also rubbish, her calming influence led her team to victory.

In the weeks that followed, Stella's efforts were somewhat overshadowed by the large number of massive morons doing and saying stupid things; Alex and his apple-pie made of oranges, Melissa and her made-up business speak, Laura throwing strops and declaring everything to be SHIIIT. Throughout, Stella managed to stealthily avoid the boardroom so far.

She returned in week eight to project manage the crisp task, leading her team once again to victory. However the next week was not so rosie for her as her team failed to negotiate as well as the boys and lost the task. Her team then turned on her calling her too 'corporate' for Shoogs but she held her own and winging Laura was finally booted out. After a spat with Liz in the cab on the way back to the house, in which Liz implied Stella should have gone over Laura, Stella's steely determination stepped up a gear.

Week ten saw Stella take on the role as tour guide to prove to Shoogs and the rest of them, that she could be silly and let her hair down. This didn't go as planned, however and she managed to patronise a cockney, failed dismally to whip up a sing-song with her lack-luster version of 'Knees-Up, Mother Brown' and led her tour group down a dodgy alley to look at some graffiti. I thought it might be all over for Stella then but in a boardroom travesty, record-breaking Liz was fired over Baggs and his ponies. It was a lucky escape for Stella.

Lady Stella redeemed herself and then some at the interviews in week eleven by taking on the interviewer's difficult questions with a cool head, giving considered and concise answers. Up in my estimations she once again rose and I wasn't the only one who was impressed, Shoogs was too, taking her and Chris through to the final.

Early on in the final week there was no question as to who would be crowned Shoogs' apprentice. Stella led her team well, her drink idea was better and the bottle far less ridiculous.

Stella came from a council estate and with no qualifications and built a successful career in a Japanese bank who found her so indispensable they created a position for her. She works hard and is, and this is key, SENSIBLE. She's not a ridiculous character like Baggs or Alex; she's not as charismatic as Jamie; she doesn't rely on hypno-eyes like Chris; she was just better all round than all of them and was SENSIBLE throughout. Like I said at the beginning, I know nothing of the alien world that is business, but I do know that every company could surely use a Stella.

Well, that's the ponies back in the stables until next year, fellow Apprentice buffs. Follow that!

The Baggs Saga: The Conclusion

It's that time again and I've got the post-Apprentice blues. One by one the candidates have drifted from my telly back into the business abyss and I won't see their ilk for another year. I am bereft. I'll be the one hanging outside telecoms companies asking employees if they own a pony, or indeed a whole field of them.

The final was a good 'un but without Herr Baggs it was a wee bitty dull so since I was indisposed last week, I'm going to take this opportunity to discuss the Baggsy's final week. Of course it had to be the interviews that finally finished him off, he doesn't seem the type to interview well, does he? The spoilers from the week before seemed to suggest so ('You're not a Brand.' 'I think I might be.' Classic). The interviewers are three of Shoogs' most trusted colleagues; two miscellaneous business chaps and THE Margaret Mountford ('her hair is like a cloud'). Baggsy makes the mistake of greeting Margaret like an old friend, EH-EH (that is the sound from Family Fortunes when they get a question wrong, but you knew that, anyway...)! He explains that he feels as though he knows her, cos she's off the telly but with one raised eyebrow she brings the Baggs down. Her deranged professor stare is enough to stop anyone in their tracks and Baggs is buckling.

Miscellaneous business chap number one, thuggish in looks, posh in voice and French in name, Claude, takes on Baggs for round two. Right away he receives an icy reception as Baggs goes in for a hand shake, a gesture which is firmly ignored. BURN! Then he's told he's just a kid, he's no 'Brand'. BUURN! And finally after declaring himself to be a big fish in a small pond he is told, 'You're not a big fish. You're not even a fish.' BUUURRN! Oh dear, these guys have taken an instant disliking to Baggs and unfortunately for him, but very fortunately for us, it is about to get much worse.

Why do they lie on they're CVs? There's always one chancer and this series it's Baggs, of course! Miscellaneous business chap number two picks apart his CV. I'm not sure of the ins and outs of it all but basically he says he holds a full licence for his telecoms company when in fact he only holds part of a licence, or something. Prefacing his defence by saying he doesn't want to sound like he's trying to weasel out of it, he inevitably starts squeaking like a cornered weasel. But is a fully fledged telecoms company, in his mind! Right, I see. To be fair, I do think Baggs really believes this. In his MIND he is a brand; in his MIND he has a fully fledged telecoms company; in his MIND everything he touches turns to sold; in his MIND are literally fields of grazing ponies, just waiting to carry forth his brilliant ideas, like a chip to put in your pet to trace it if you lose it. What a truly originally genius idea. The crux is really this, Baggs lives in Baggs land and sees everything through Baggs tinted lenses. Oh to be inside that head and see what he sees, I bet we'd all be saying das ist wunderbar! Far more wunderbar than John Malkovich's head, take note Charlie Kaufman.

Shoogs is less understanding of Baggs' delusions of grandeur, however, and reveals how angry he is at himself that he let Liz go the week before. And a whole nation cried out, 'Thank you!' as one and lo, the Baggs was fired. Here endeth the truly bizarre tale of Stuart Baggs, or does it? I literally have no clue what he could do now. Perhaps one day, I'll run into him, a vagrant roaming the City, stopping passers-by and pitching his ideas; 'It's a towel and a cooler at the same time! Please, sir, I've seen the future and it's name is Cuuulliii!!!'

Watch out! There's a whole field of ponies running right at you!

Silly hats = great task. Fact. This week the candidates meet Shoogs at a Wandsworth bus depot and are told their task will be to set up and run a London tour company with tours on both bus and foot. I can sense the cringes creeping in already.

Stuart heads up Stella and Liz in Synergy. In the brainstorming Stella is passionate about an East End, cor blimey gov'ner, jellied eels, up the apples and pears, would you Adam and Eve it, Cockney theme. Well maybe it's because she's a Londoner, why Stella loves London so (sorry). Jo, meanwhile, takes charge of Jamie and Chris who go for a ghosties, ghoulies, blood, guts and Sweeney Todd theme. Jamie does his best Igor impression to pitch it to his team and it's a winning pitch.

And they're off! Liz finds a jellied eel man for her tour and tells him to cockney it up a bit for the punters. Oh dear, he does not look impressed. On the other team Jo is driving poor Jamie completely round the twist, nagging at him like an overbearing mother. Finally he snaps, apparently she's been 'rubbing him all day' (ooh la la). So with the walking and bus routes chosen it's time drum up some business. Each team is given the opportunity to pitch to the London Tourist Centre to become their tour of the day. Baggsy's team price themselves out of the game at £35 for an adult ticket but Jo's team fair better with Chris offering a massive 20% of ALL THEIR PROFITS. Of course they're going to take that deal but has Chris just shot himself in the foot?

Jim-Jam-Jamie is doing a pretty good job tour guiding, although his shtick is properly stomach churning and full of gore. Of course, if you pay for a ghosties and ghoulies tour, you're defo getting your money's worth. As the day continues, Jamie just gets better and better with his ludicrous facts. Here are just a few facts a la Jamie about some famous London landmarks:
The Thames - 'the second biggest river in London.'
Big Ben - 'the face of the clock is 20 diameters in width.'
The Gherkin - 'It's called the Gherkin because it looks like a gherkin,'
Wow Jamie, you are wrecking my head.

Baggsy takes it to the next level this week, hovering around Jo's team's pitch, trying to nick their customers. He's unsuccessful of course because no-one likes to be harassed, therefore no-one likes to be doubly harassed, therefore nobody likes to be harassed Baggsy style. Chris steps in to try to reason with Baggs ('just fuck off, mate') and Baggs is all in his face, 'Go on then, hit me.' Do it Chris, do it! FIGHT! Unfortunately Baggsy walks away unscathed, even though he's been asking for it all series.

Stella is the tour guide for Baggsy's team because it's a chance for her to show Shoogs her silly, fun side. However, it turns out she's about as silly and fun as a soggy jam sandwich and she has no idea what she's talking about: she announces landmarks they've driven past 100 yards ago, she can't find the jellied eel stand on the walking tour, she takes the tourists down a back street to look at some graffiti and then asks them if they think it's a Banksy and she dismally fails to get a sing-song going to 'Knees-up Mother Brown'. Oh lord. Jamie's bus, on the other hand, are having a rare old time singing 'London's Burning'. He may be the farthest from an authority on London you could get but he has charisma and the folks like his patter. Bad luck Stella.

So the task is over and although Jo's team appear to have done better, will their 20% commission bury them? It's time to find out as we enter the Boardroom. Of course it hasn't buried them! They win, in no small part thanks to Jamie who carried the whole task on his ludicrous shoulders. They're prize is a trip to....Jersey. Well, it's a step down from ACTUAL Paris but it'll do I suppose. Meanwhile down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak Cafe, Baggs believes they must all collectively take the blame but let's see if he throws anyone under the tour bus when they're in front of the firing squad.

Shoogs gives all three of them a chance to defend themselves and convince him that they should be in his final five. It's Baggsy's turn first, cue the most ludicrous tirade of nonsense you have ever heard leave a man's mouth. Not only does he make outlandish claims that he will make gazillions of pounds for a new, as yet unconceived, business he'll set up with Shoogs, he also says this:

'I'm not a one trick pony, I'm not a ten trick pony, I've got a field of ponies waiting to literally run towards this.'

I know, I have no words either. He then tells Shoogs about his prosperous yo-yo empire and how he did it all himself. I feel bad for Liz and Stella, in a how-can-they-possibly-follow-that? kind of way, not that it was good, just that it was ridiculous and they'll probably be trying to recover from it, process the ponies. Liz and Stella defend themselves but I can't for the life of me remember how, it's the shock. I hope I'm reading this wrong but is Shoogs IMPRESSED with Baggs? Well, 'as nutty as it sounds' Liz, you're fired. WHAT?! A nonsense and a travesty, however it does mean that Baggs will be about for the interviews next week which sees the welcome return of Margaret Mountford, hurray! Let's hope she annihilates Baggs the Brand, maybe she'll be the one to punch him.

Things Are Grim All Over

Another instalment of Jimmy McGovern's 'Accused' aired on Monday and although it was brilliantly acted, like the rest of the series, jeezo was it grim.

Andy Serkis took the lead role in 'Liam's Story', a miserable tale of a taxi driving gambling addict, struggling to cope with his wife's worsening MS, who becomes obsessed with a young woman, Emma, who he meets when he drives her to the airport. Safe in the knowledge she's out of the country, he breaks into her house with the intention of robbing her to find a present for his daughter. However, it turns out he's a massive creep, creeping about her house, looking through her personal possessions and listening to her music. He ends up taking her laptop and USB stick and pours over her pictures and letters she's written to her boyfriend.

Being a taxi driver he earns her trust, giving her his number for any future cab rides; between this and 'Sherlock' I'm getting a bit warie of these cabbies. Of course there is the obstacle of the boyfriend, Neil (the lovely Tom Ellis from 'Miranda') but dropping a picture of him, his wife and baby through her door affords him the swift heave-ho. Lacing in tit-bits of information he's gleaned from his creepy stalking, Liam manipulates Emma into sleeping with him and then into letting him move in with her.

But who has Liam killed? It's clear he's murdered someone to end up in the dock. We're led to believe it may be his wife after a shot of him smothering her but this is merely a fantasy sequence as he then tells his wife and daughter he's shacking up with another woman. Liam's having a bad time of it, what with breaking this news to his family and it only gets worse as Emma's ex-boyfriend tracks him down, threatening to tell Emma that he too is married. Liam panics, running him over to keep him quiet and it works but he's dead and his wife saw and basically he's a big mental wreck.

The judge seems a bit lenient on Liam, sympathising with him due to the strain of looking after an MS sufferer for all those years. Yeah, poor old gambling, robbing, stalking, murdering Liam.

There was nothing light about this episode which is why my writing about it may seem flippant at times. Andy Serkis et al acted their socks off and I'm glad I watched it but I can't say I enjoyed it. It was thoroughly depressing from start to finish and the sense of doom as everything slowly unravelled felt very oppressive. A whole series with that same vibe all the way through is too much to take. Any chance of a tiny chuckle in there somewhere Jimmy? After all, life can have it's light moments even in its darkest periods.

Mad Men: Season Finale

Season four of Mad Men ended last week, surprisingly on a happy note. It's been a turbulent season for all concerned, including me. Unusually, it's been an edge-of-the-seat kind of series, will S/C/D/P go under? In reaction to Lucky Strike's departure, Don takes out a full-page ad in the Times in the form of a letter damning the advertising of cigarettes, thus destroying any chance the firm has of obtaining any future tobacco accounts. A risky move that affords them a meeting with the Cancer Association. 'Did you get cancer?' Roger quips on Don and Pete's return.

Elsewhere, the Francis residence is being relocated and Glen pops over to say goodbye to Sally. These two young actors have been brilliant this series playing out complex emotions with excellent maturity. Unfortunately, their goodbye is interrupted by Betty's return. Of course she flips out and yells at him to get out to which he retorts, 'Just because you're sad, doesn't mean everybody else has to be.' Betty seems to think that Glen is only friends with Sally to get to her and poor Sally seems to have given up on standing up to her mother: either she knows it's useless or she's biding her time and will explode spectacularly in a future series. I'm hoping for the latter. Betty's childish temper tantrum continues when she fires Carla, who has been the children's Nanny all their lives, for allowing Glen into her house. In true spoiled-brat style, Betty doesn't allow Carla to say goodbye to the children.

Don is taking the children to California and has to find some help after Carla's untimely dismissal so he enlists the help of his secretary, Megan. She's been an intriguing character ever since she tuned up in one of Dr. Miller's focus groups early on in the series. Since then she's replaced the formidable Miss Blankenship as Don's secretary and slept with Don but she was professional and savvy enough not to let it affect her work and didn't show her feelings, if she had any, for Don. In California Don discovers Anna has left him the engagement ring that the real Don Draper gave to her and Don seems to take it as some kind of sign, using it to propose to Megan.

In sunny California Don sees how she Megan is with his children and becomes beguiled by her. She is pretty amazing, beautiful, bright, artistic and she speaks French, hell, she's my dream woman. The question 'who is Don Draper?' comes up again, to which Megan replies, 'I know who you are now.' Maybe she really wouldn't care about his dark secret, he certainly forgets himself and announces their up-coming nuptials to the whole office on their return. Unlike what he had with Fay Miller, this relationship won't be secret. Fay doesn't react well to the news, understandably ('I hope she knows you only like the beginning of things.') and of course she does know his secret. Will she keep it? Probably, but maybe it's too early to tell.

Peggy and Joan play out a great little scene, reacting to Megan and Don's engagement. They've seen it all before, as Joan says, 'they're all just between marriages.' Joan's been given a promotion with no pay rise and Peggy, along with Ken, has landed the first new account since Lucky Strikes departure, which is overshadowed by Don's good news, so both are prickly about the announcement. In more Joan news we discover that she did not have the abortion and is having the baby, passing it off as Greg's. How will Roger take that?

One of the final scenes sees Betty bumping into Don accidentally/on purpose at their old family home. It's clear she has designs on Don, checking her make-up before he arrives. Then Don drops the bombshell. She seems to take it maturely, wishing them both well. Of course she'll probably take out her jealousy on Henry or the children later.

The episode ends with Don alone in his apartment to the strains of 'I Got You Babe.' For such a negative, tense series, the ending is upbeat and optimistic. Although I now have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach caused by the Mad Men shaped hole in my life. Come back soon fellas.

Porky-Pies, Wins the Prize

I love this weeks task. It's all about buying and negotiation according to Shoogs. They're given a list of 10 obscure items to source and then haggle down to the best price they can get. It's battle of the sexes again with Jim-Jam-Jamie heading up the boys team while Liz is PM for the girls. Obviously I'm rooting for my sisters, 'mone the girls! They've got Liz AND Stella, what could possibly go wrong?

My girls get off to a flying start, all sourcing and organising meetings and whatnot. The boys on the other hand all run off, arms flailing, in different directions. Who's getting what? Where from? Who knows?! Stupid boys.

It's a cryptic list, what are these mystery items? A Tikka? A Bluebook? How on earth to find out? I mean, what would you do? Yeah, exactly, GOOGLE IT! From what I saw on Twitter, I was not the only one screaming this at the telly. Maybe Shoogs had banned it, so instead of using their logic like the girls the boys panic like a maths dud in a non-calculator exam. Wouldn't it be great if the the items were joke items; Baggsy would be sent for a long stand, Chris would be sent for some tartan paint etc. (sketch and/or impressions shows, you are welcome to use this idea).

Hmmm, but what's this? Jim-Jam-Jamie is quite a good negotiator, could the girls be in trouble? Could be, but hey, they got a whole pound off that sewing machine! Still, I remain convinced the girls have this one in the bag.

The star of the show this week, hands down, is pretty-boy Chris and his sweet little lies. When they finally discover what a Bluebook is (it's to do with the knowledge, you know) Chris explains that he needs the book for his brother who's taking his exam and he borrowed them and left them somewhere or something(?). Later we discover he needs some tartan for his nan because he's going to a wedding in Scotland and it's her birthday(?). Basically he hypnotises them with his beautiful eyes to get them down to the price he wants.

It's getting near the end of the task and everyone's panicking because this week they've got to get back to the boardroom by a certain time, a la America's Next Top Model. The girls are ticking their items off the list, one by one. Stella and Laura head to Knightsbridge for their truffles, after Stella fails to get her old mucka, Gordon Ramsay on the phone. Instead they go to a super posh restaurant and pay 200 quid for their truffles and leave. I'm none the wiser, I know nothing about truffles. The boys on the other hand are struggling to source their final few items. Poor Jim-Jam-Jamie's being haunted by a worktop. Oh dear.

As they all race to the finish line very slowly in their London cabs, things get very tense. 'Come on big man up there!' Stella implores. Does she mean God? Or Shoogs? Or maybe Big Ben, because he could hold back the time because he's a big clock? They all make it back, the girls a little late, but who cares? They've won this, easy.

Karen and Nick reveal the results. The boys have incurred £500 worth of penalties for items they've missed. Better luck next time lads- wait, what? The boys have won? But how? Turns out the girls negotiating was horrendous. Baggsy shrewdly observes the ridiculousness of the situation, 'How good are we? Even when we're shit we still win.' Quote of the series so far. So Herr Baggs becomes Monsieur Baggs when the winning team are sent to ACTUAL PARIS! A real bonefide treat, that is actually good?! This has indeed been a bizarre week.

Meanwhile, down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak Cafe, the girls are clearly feeling a little sheepish after their embarrassing loss and Stella points out the obvious, they just didn't negotiate hard enough. So disappointed. However, this does mean Laura will be in losing team, a chance for her to finally get booted off? We shall see... Liz saves Jo and takes Laura (yas!) and Stella into the boardroom because of the truffle debacle. Stella and Liz are both pretty brilliant. They're articulate and shrewd ('I hold my hands up' and 'I take that on board' aside), Laura has nae chance. She's FIRED! Ding! Dong! The whinger's gone! Thank CHRIST for that! Although I was very much on the girls' side this week, it all worked out for the best in the end and the most mind bogglingly irritating huffer the Apprentice ever did see is sent on her way. Cho! *Gets out Maracas and does a little dance*

On the way back to the house, it appears that Liz has taken some of the things Stella said a little too personally. 'It's a shame Laura went. She'll be missed.' Really? Have you seen Laura? Clearly this is meant as a dig at Stella who is too 'corporate' for Shoogs corporation(?). We shall see how this feud plays out next week when the teams will be Tour Guides. From the previews this looks more excruciating than any of the other tasks and they get to wear stupid uniforms and Baggsy and Chris nearly get into a fight. Brilliant!

A Fair Cop?

The documentary series 'Coppers' provided an interesting insight behind the scenes of the police force, from patrolling the traffic to attempting to keep order on the streets of a hairy Saturday night. The last episode focused on the topical subject of protest crowd control. After the much criticised conduct during the recent student fees protests, it's difficult to watch the program with fresh eyes and to see how the police will come across in a favourable light.

This episode follows the Greater Manchester Police Tactical Aid Unit- or the Riot Squad, to you and me- and their handling of a protest by the EDL (English Defense League) and a counter protest by the UAF (Unite Against Fascism). It's clear from the off what the police attitude to the UAF will be; they're the kind of people that go to Glastonbury. One of the protesters points out he's never been to Glastonbury and prefers a bit of jazz. Another policeman insists that the EDL should have the right to protest and the UAF should recognise this. Surely though this means that the UAF also have a right to counter protest? Yes, that is what it means. Not going well for the police so far.

The majority of the crowd control seems to be bizarrely aimed at the UAF when the EDL in their manner and their language show real aggression. There's a particularly interesting exchange between an officer and a UAF protester, debating lawful violence and justifiable force.

On the day of the protests we are told there were 52 UAF arrests and only 18 EDL. In the end only 6 were prosecuted and questions were raised about police conduct that day.

It comes down to a question of interpretation. With views voiced from all sides: the police, the UAF and the EDL, of course they all defend their own actions. With all these conflicting versions of events and an unclear picture of what happened on the day, history will always be unclear on exactly what happened and whether police actions were justifiable. However, when situations arise like the kettling of students at last weeks protests for several hours in dropping temperatures and mounted police charging the crowd, the majority of which were harmless protesters, an overall calculation of police conduct will inevitably be carried out. In this case, the police haven't done themselves any favours and the issue of crowd control is always going to be a thorny a much debated topic in future protests. This can only be a good thing, hopefully ensuring so-called justifiable force is kept to a minimum.

This final episode shouldn't mar police work in other areas such as emergency response and traffic patrol, which, as has been shown through out this fascinating series, is clearly tough and fraught with risks to the officers' personal safety. It's a serious job but, like any, it's not without comedy as the officers from police custody describe items found up an offender's 'Chatham Pocket' (use your imagination), the best haul being 2 mobile phones and 2 chargers. Try not to dwell on that thought...