It's the most wonderful tiiime of the yeeeeaaar! That's right folks, The Apprentice is back and so is my weekly run down of all things Apprentice. This week as a special treat you'll get two whole posting from me! Cos there's two whole episodes, innit. Before the the first episode last night I had a look at the candidates interviews to see who I should watch out for and right away shit-talking awkward Ed stood out for me, with his shiny head and his waving arms, 'I don't believe Lord Sugar would find anything difficult about me.' Wow, really? This guy might do well, eh? Another of the candidates I liked was Ellie, maybe it's the lovely Yorkshire accent, maybe it's her no nonsense chat, 'I'm just a nice person really, but I have got a dark side if somebody treats me badly', don't we all. How will my horses do? Let's find out...
DUM DI DUM DI DUM DI DUM DI DUM DI DUM DI DII DII! Here they come, across the bridge all in their nice suits with their suitcases, talking a lot of crap, 'Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon', candidate, Melody, reads her words of wisdom off a fridge magnet. In the boardroom the candidates meet Shoogs for the first time and he explains that this year the name of the game is different, instead of working for him, the winner will be working WITH Shoogs, who will inject £250 grand into an unspecified business. Well some of them have got businesses, others do sales and there's even some inventors. Bespectacled Thomas invented the world's first curved nail file. Impressive, no? I like Thomas, he seems lovely but be warned 'underneath these spectacles is a core of steal.' Aw! No there isn't. Nor does there have to be, stay lovely Thomas and you'll be fine. Back to this weeks task and rather predictably Shoogs splits the teams into boys v. girls. Shoogs gives each team £250 and tells them to buy some fruit, make sumfink wiv it then sell it. Simple.
Ah, the team names, always massively underwhelming and this year is no exception. After throwing some poor to middling suggestions into the ring like 'Platinum' and 'Galvanised', the girls end up go for 'Venture' *YAWN* Leon pipes up with an hilarious suggestion 'Leontrepeneur' for the boys team. HA! But the boys who have no vision and no sense of humour go for 'Logic'. Since these names are so shit I've decided this year to name the teams myself. The girls team shall now be known as SISTA TRIBE and the boys will be THE POSSE CREW. Because moonwalker Melody has been personally taught by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu (yup, that's what she said) she will lead SISTA TRIBE while waving-arm Ed will head up THE POSSE CREW.
The boys head out to the fruit and veg market in search of oranges. Picking up a round orange fruit the killer question is posed, 'is that an orange?' Wow. The girls fair a little better spending only £180 of the Shoogs' money and both teams head back to their kitchens to make their products. SISTA TRIBE split their products into breakfast and lunch, selling fruit salads and minging tomato pasta. THE POSSE CREW decide to go for orange juice and soup. Jim Eastwood (cool name, cool accent) does well in the boys team, diffusing arguments in the kitchen and behaving generally like a good chap. I like him. Actually. Weird. Disaster hits the boys' kitchen, however, when the juicer breaks and the 1400 oranges (we checked, they ARE oranges) have to be squeezed by hand. OUCH. Eventually both teams get their goods out and start selling and the girls seem to be fairing a lot better than the boys but will it be a shock result in the boardroom? No. No is the answer to that. SISTA TRIBE get the shit prize of champagne and some food in the house. Shoogs could've sent them to a nice restaurant at least. Tight.
Meanwhile down at the end of loser street in Heartbreak Cafe, Ed's team sob into their coffees. Now Ed has been 'rolling with the punches' all episode but back in the boardroom he really starts to shine. He talks. And talks. And talks a load of shite, 'that's my character, blah blah blah, I think you're soup man, blah blah blah, I don't fit the mould, blah blah, micro-manage, blah blah, when I was producing that was production, BLAAAAAH!' Jings. Ed brings back Gavin and Leon. Gavin seems alreet and he holds his corner well. Leon, on the other hand....well....
Shoogs: What was you doin' all day?
Leon: I ran the fixed unit.
Shoogs: You mean you was in the lorry?
Brilliant. Ed tries in vain to fight his case and he's really scraping the barrel for excuses, 'not only am I the youngest on the team, I'm the shortest.' Well flippin' done. Ed, you're fired. Oh well, that's life eh? I suppose you have to ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES.
Next time, the teams develop and sell mobile apps. Stay tuned for some offensive stereotypes. Welcome back The Apprentice!
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