It's that time again and I've got the post-Apprentice blues. One by one the candidates have drifted from my telly back into the business abyss and I won't see their ilk for another year. I am bereft. I'll be the one hanging outside telecoms companies asking employees if they own a pony, or indeed a whole field of them.
The final was a good 'un but without Herr Baggs it was a wee bitty dull so since I was indisposed last week, I'm going to take this opportunity to discuss the Baggsy's final week. Of course it had to be the interviews that finally finished him off, he doesn't seem the type to interview well, does he? The spoilers from the week before seemed to suggest so ('You're not a Brand.' 'I think I might be.' Classic). The interviewers are three of Shoogs' most trusted colleagues; two miscellaneous business chaps and THE Margaret Mountford ('her hair is like a cloud'). Baggsy makes the mistake of greeting Margaret like an old friend, EH-EH (that is the sound from Family Fortunes when they get a question wrong, but you knew that, anyway...)! He explains that he feels as though he knows her, cos she's off the telly but with one raised eyebrow she brings the Baggs down. Her deranged professor stare is enough to stop anyone in their tracks and Baggs is buckling.
Miscellaneous business chap number one, thuggish in looks, posh in voice and French in name, Claude, takes on Baggs for round two. Right away he receives an icy reception as Baggs goes in for a hand shake, a gesture which is firmly ignored. BURN! Then he's told he's just a kid, he's no 'Brand'. BUURN! And finally after declaring himself to be a big fish in a small pond he is told, 'You're not a big fish. You're not even a fish.' BUUURRN! Oh dear, these guys have taken an instant disliking to Baggs and unfortunately for him, but very fortunately for us, it is about to get much worse.
Why do they lie on they're CVs? There's always one chancer and this series it's Baggs, of course! Miscellaneous business chap number two picks apart his CV. I'm not sure of the ins and outs of it all but basically he says he holds a full licence for his telecoms company when in fact he only holds part of a licence, or something. Prefacing his defence by saying he doesn't want to sound like he's trying to weasel out of it, he inevitably starts squeaking like a cornered weasel. But is a fully fledged telecoms company, in his mind! Right, I see. To be fair, I do think Baggs really believes this. In his MIND he is a brand; in his MIND he has a fully fledged telecoms company; in his MIND everything he touches turns to sold; in his MIND are literally fields of grazing ponies, just waiting to carry forth his brilliant ideas, like a chip to put in your pet to trace it if you lose it. What a truly originally genius idea. The crux is really this, Baggs lives in Baggs land and sees everything through Baggs tinted lenses. Oh to be inside that head and see what he sees, I bet we'd all be saying das ist wunderbar! Far more wunderbar than John Malkovich's head, take note Charlie Kaufman.
Shoogs is less understanding of Baggs' delusions of grandeur, however, and reveals how angry he is at himself that he let Liz go the week before. And a whole nation cried out, 'Thank you!' as one and lo, the Baggs was fired. Here endeth the truly bizarre tale of Stuart Baggs, or does it? I literally have no clue what he could do now. Perhaps one day, I'll run into him, a vagrant roaming the City, stopping passers-by and pitching his ideas; 'It's a towel and a cooler at the same time! Please, sir, I've seen the future and it's name is Cuuulliii!!!'
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