When did telly quizzes get taken over by dicks? Everywhere I turn there seems to be some smug Quiz Dick telling me the answer to my question is wrong followed by a lengthy explanation of the right answer. Gone are the days when contestants had a 'lovely day' and went home with a carriage clock. Now they get a metaphorical kick in the teeth and leave with NOTHING while the smug Quiz Dick laughs condescendingly: 'Haha! Back to your hovel, simpleton, I'm a telly star.' Dick.
Let's look at some of the offending programmes, Perfection; a fed-up Nick Knowles hosts as our contender competes to answer a series of true/false questions correctly without letting in the 'Usual Suspects'. These 'Usual Suspects' are a rag-tag bunch of fair-to-middling quizzers who wile away the hours in the general knowledge waiting room, anticipating a chance to sabotage the contenders game. In order to achieve Perfection, the contender must answer the entire series of questions correctly, as you may have guessed. It is a bizarre game and rarely does it yield a winner. Mind-bogglingly smug 'actor' Carl actually won yesterday and I died a little bit inside. The plus side to this shockingly undeserved victory was that the spoils were shared with the lovely Adam and he got more monies than Carl the 'actor'. Perfection partly allows you to help out a fellow contestant but only because it serves your own interest, 'yeah, I'll come and help you for £6,000 of your £7,000 prize fund. It's not really fair but it's better than a kick in the teeth.' Sounds like a kick in the teeth to me.
Next up on our list of offending shows is The Chase. Hosted by an amiable Bradley Walsh, a team of lovely members of the public, or Normies, compete against the Chaser, or quiz dick, to win some monies which they will share. The Normies are generally lovely, the Chasers are not. One of three Chasers is wheeled out for each show; a sour-faced Miss Trunchbull (out of Mathilda) type who is generally unpleasant to the herds of 'stupid' contestants; a tiny-eyed, toad-like insufferable know-it-all who likes to explain why his answers are correct in detail; and a terrifying genius man who looks like he will not only beat the contestants but will also, as punishment for losing, lock them in his general knowledge dungeon, firing questions at them and administering electric shocks every time they get one wrong, or right probably. And normally, it takes ages for the Normies to beat the Chaser thus enlarging their massive egos and making me die a little bit more inside.
The worst offender, which hosts a whole panel of Quiz Dicks has to be BBC2's Egg Heads. A team of Normies take on a team of champion quizzers, spawned from past winners of Mastermind or Who Wants to be a Millionaire etc. Maybe on their previous telly quiz incarnations we didn't mind them, maybe we even rooted for them when it was just them on their lonesome up against nothing but questions. Good on them for winning. Well done. Now away back to your pub quizzes on a Thursday night where they have a picture of you shaking hands with Chris Tarrent hanging above the bar. Oh, so being a local legend isn't good enough for you, eh? You need to lord your superior general knowledge skills over us forever more, do you? Well not on my telly! OK, maybe on my telly but I'm not rooting for you anymore, go the Normies! Take the Quiz Dicks down a peg or two!
I still love quizzes like Mastermind and University Challenge showcasing astounding levels of intelligence and anorakism, just YouTube University Challenge and Guttenplan and witness a quiz super-geek. Incredible. And yes of course, you get the odd smugo you really hope crashes and burns but there isn't the sneering nastiness that is present in this new telly quiz format. Unfortunately it seems Quiz Dicks are now not only the resident know-it-alls but they are some Normies too. Don't rise to it Normies! Knowing stuff is awesome and winning is also awesome but don't be a dick about it. Being generous and humble and kind is also awesome so EVERYONE PLAY NICE.
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