Ah Stuart Baggs. Baggs the Brand. 'Baggsy' Baggs. What a ridiculous person. Who is Stuart Baggs? What is Stuart Baggs? And most importantly why is Stuart Baggs? Every week he attempts to answer these questions but I've yet to understand his answers: his apples are orange and he is sales villain, 'Soldfinger'??? I thought I'd have a look at his audition tape to see if I could get any sense from him. And this is what he said motivates him to do what he does, you know, selling yoyos at school:
'Why not? I'm alive. There's so many people that aren't alive, or have died unfortunately, now I'm alive and that's a gift frankly.'
Hmmm. So what does Baggsy plan to do with this gift of life?
'succeed to the maximum and use some of that success to help others - where appropriate.'
It's a declaration of philanthropy with a get-out clause, only where appropriate. I don't know what that means either. He is perplexing and, as we discover through the course of this weeks task, colossally more arrogant than I ever thought possible.
The Shoogs summons them to Pinewood Studios, you know, that famous furniture store? Anyway for some reason there's a massive blue screen at this furniture store (???) and Shoogs sets them the task of selling the movie experience to the public. This involves setting up a small blue screen in a shopping centre, getting people to fanny around in front of it, water skiing or something, and then selling them the resulting 5 minute DVD to treasure forever- STOP THE BUS SHOOGS! That is the single worst idea I have ever heard. Why, oh why, oh why would anyone pay money for that? A treasured memory? 'Remember that Saturday we went to the Traford centre and I bought them boots and you flirted with the guy in Costa? Remember that? Well now you don't need to cos I've got this DVD of us skiing in the Traford Centre and you can see my boots and our Costa coffee cups in the background.' Completely pointless. Right away I fear this task is doomed for all concerned.
Baggsy and Sandeesh are team leaders and it's clear from the off that it'll either be one or the other who gets fired. Liz and Chris take over Sandeesh's team, while Sandeesh sits looking on with her big eyes and agreeing in all the appropriate places. Nick sums up Baggsy as a project manager very eloquently:
'Stuart's leadership style leaves me trembling with irritation.'
Yeah, you and everyone on the team it seems. And me. He crashes his way through the meeting like an over-wrought business-bull and then he buggers off to Brands Hatch to drive some fast cars. Whoa there Baggsy! Someone needs to reign in your 'extreme masculinity' before you forget what your here for! After his shot in the racing car he decides to do a 180 and market the DVDs to kids instead of adult cos it's just a better idea, yeah? Yeah it is. An idea that sleepy-eyed Jo had in the meeting that you ignored. Eugh!
At the shopping centre Baggsy's team are first out the gate, selling their movie experience to the public and they're actually buying it? People are weird. But Jo's doing well, talking to the kids and giving them medal's and sweets. Meanwhile, Sandeesh's team are still trying to teach Christopher how to work the computer. Finally though, they get started and soon Sandeesh's team drop their prices and Baggsy ups his. Let's see which has made the better move...
So, after Liz does a bit of last-minute cheating, stealing the other team's car idea, the task is over. It's too close to call.
In the boardroom the results are revealed and it's in the Baggs. Sorry. Stuart wins by 40 quid and pulls the smuggest, most vile face I have ever seen. HUGELY punchable. The winning team get a champagne tasting 'laid on' by the Shoogs. Baggsy doesn't like the champagne and rudely says it tastes like paint stripper in front of the host. Then Stella asks if he's ever had champagne to which he replies something along the lines of 'yeah, it's that stuff that you get free when you go into a club.' Gross.
Down at the end of Loser Street in Heartbreak cafe, well, they're gutted and they all say so over some sad piano music. In the firing line with Sandeesh are Liz and Chris. And blah, blah, blah, you know how it goes, 'Sandeesh, your fired.' It's been a long time coming, she is just a bit nothing. Mesmerising eyes though. Mesmerising....
So Baggsy lives to fight another week. And although he makes my blood boil, trying to be flash, crudely talking about making loadsa money and 'sitting nowhere but the top', he is stellar telly. Baggsy to win! I don't expect whatever he'll be doing for the Shoogs will affect my life very much so let him go all the way to the top, take a seat up there and then take away his ladders.
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